Yes, yes, I know. This summary is for a show that aired last week. I would like to give my deepest apologies to all 23 of you still watching the program. The truth is, it takes a lot of time and consideration to write a half-ass summary like this. It can’t just be thrown together in an hour. Well, actually it can – but that’ll be our little secret. And the secret of when I’ll post the summary for last Wednesday’s show is not something I’m prepared to share just yet.
Speaking of secrets, as a seasoned summary writer for Reality TV World, I’m gonna let you in on a big one. Sometimes when charged with writing a summary, it’s hard to remain focused for an entire episode. Sometimes, the satellite goes out when your show is coming on. Sometimes, you spill a big bottle of Zima on your “notes”. Sometimes, you fall asleep. Sometimes, there’s just something more enticing to do: like the UPS guy. Or sometimes, a combination of these things comes together to create a gap in your coverage.
I’ve found that when these things happen, there’s a quick fix that helps you disguise the fact that you haven’t actually watched all of the show. I call it…the song parody. So, if you ever see a song parody pop up in a summary, you’ll know that it’s just the writer blowing smoke up your butt.
So now, on with my summary
Tried to curb their amorous habits They’ve been there nearly seventy days Gainin’ weight with speed, the buffet’s all you can eat Drinkin lots of sex on the beach and soakin up rays
But at night they have these dirty dreams They want something hot to eat It ain’t granola, tofu or pickled pigs’ feet They want a tight firm buns and a huge hunk of meat
Cause they are Skeezy b!tches in paradise They’ll sleep with anything once or twice Got chlamydia and head lice They are skeezy b!tches in paradise
Heard about their stupid plan for the men They say it time and again – but they won’t win Get revenge for long-lost Zack, he’s got a lawyer within But who are they trying to kid
They’re just Skeezy b!tches in paradise They don’t really smell very nice And they aren’t very bright They are skeezy b!tches in paradise
They all got to take penicillin For the diseases they’ve been a-getting They can’t stop all the crotch itchin’ I can’t decide which one is the villain
When they’re all Skeezy b!tches in paradise They’ll sleep with anything once or twice They’ve got chlamydia and head lice Skeezy b!tches in paradise
Hair extensions and breast augmentation Penile implants and mental retardation These are the dumbest ’hos in the nation They’re giving me a great irritation
I’m sick of Skeezy b!tches in paradise They don’t really smell very nice And they aren’t very bright But they are skeezy b!tches in paradise
Thanks Mr. Buffet. So anyway, now back to this whole show thing. Amy is frustrated that her beloved Zach and Toni are gone. She’s relying on Beau for her sanity. That’s sort of like counting on Ben Affleck to teach you how to cheat without getting caught. And to top this off, we’re treated to a shot of the world’s chunkiest cheerleader in a bikini. Hey Amy, guess who’s gonna be on the bottom of the pyramid all next season.
Dave, who has the largest breasts in Paradise, explains his game strategy to us in a confessional. Does anyone actually care about this? I didn’t think so. Here’s the Cliff Notes. Originals don’t like Newbies. Newbies don’t like Originals. It’s the Sharks and Jets all over again – but instead of West Side Story it’s Hotel Whoreys.
Next, in a move ripped out of Staged Reality Programming University’s popular course Foreshadowing 101, Alex tells us that no matter what he will be sticking with the originals to the bitter end. Ah, sure you are sweetie. And that rash on Kristin really is poison ivy.
And is it just me or is Tara starting to look like the mongoloid love child of Bo Derek and Axl Rose with the braids and the bandanna? She’s a real stylish girl, our Tara.
Next, we’re treated to shots of everyone having breakfast as they learn about an upcoming excursion. From the looks of the butts on the “babes,” it’s yet another all-you-can-eat buffet. The producers might want to start rethinking that before all these chicks end up in Esther Williams Slimsuits.
So, as near as I can tell – the male ‘ho-tel guests get to go bowling for an opportunity to have some quality time alone with the new male guest that will be arriving shortly. This is supposed to be a prize. Dave and Keith want to win it to try and win the new guy over to their side. Scott wants to win it because he’s gay. He might not realize this yet, but the rest of us do.
Everyone seems to be getting blitzed except for Dave because he’s all focused on bowling. I thought everyone bowled better drunk. I know I do. The good bowlers are Dave, Keith and Beau. Dave is really taking this competition thing fiercely. He’s frothing at the mouth and sweating. He’s making Richard Ramirez seem like a nice young man in comparison.
Yet, his insanity is nothing compared to Amy. She heckles Dave (and not very creatively- the chicks in Bring It On do it much better). She’s berates Keith, telling him she wants him to die, that she’s planning on tripping him as he walks down stairs, etc etc. WTF kind of cheerleader is she?
During all this, we’re shown a montage of all of Amy’s other psychotic breaks. I bet mom and dad are so proud. Amy makes sure to slip in a lot of buzz killing words like “vendetta” “revenge” and “Zach”. She’s a real fun gal, our Amy.
Let’s skip on over to when the new guy arrives. Now instead of pretending to let the guests pick the newcomer, the producers are just foregoing that step completely and plunking in whomever they want in the game. The new guy is Tom. That’s right. Tom. You remember him. He’s the guy who was rejected in week two when the guests brought Dave in.
Let’s think about that for a minute. They picked Dave – a frothy-mouthed guy with man boobs but no chin – over Tom. What exactly does this say about Tom? Hmmmm.
We find out Tom will be picking a roommate the next day. But the elimination is a few days away. Tom and Charla immediately start flirting. Well, Charla is frigid, so they flirt in a way that she finds comfortable. You know, she allows him to fawn over her while she pretends to be interested all the while thinking of snide comments to throw out later. She’s a real passionate girl, our Charla.
Dave witnesses this little flirty exchange between Charla and Tom. And being the rock of security that he is, Dave immediately begins to feel threatened. As scary as this is, I think Dave actually has a thing for Charla. I’m not sure who to feel more sorry for: Charla for being the object of Dave’s affection or Dave for actually having affection for Charla.
Dave corners Charla who is drunk to see where things stand.
Dave: We can win this thing Charla. You aren’t going to throw that away because Tom has nice eyes are you?
Charla: Of course not. I’m gonna throw it all away because he has a nice ass. I mean accent. Hiccup.
In other Paradise Hotel news, we check in on Scott and Holly. They’re a couple. Or they would be if Scott wasn’t so gay. Scott tells Holly to be mean to Tom so he won’t pick her and they can continue to not have sex. You know, because Scott is gay. Actually, I can kind of see why Scott is so attracted to Holly. She’s tall and big-framed. My guess is she reminds him of his last significant other, Bill.
Holly isn’t very bright, but she does have really really really big boobs that she’s still making payments on. She looks a little confused, but brightens up considerably when Scott suggests they take a shower together. She immediately strips down and jumps in. She’s a demure girl, our Holly.
Now we check back in on Charla who is still drunk but now also horny. She focuses her attention on Keith. She tries her trademark move. You know, when she puts on the low-rise jeans and the crop top and bends over a lot. She’s crawling around on the bed and on Keith, but Keith turns her down.
So, let’s see. So far Charla has been rejected by Scott and by Keith. Maybe she can get one of those personal massagers – they won’t reject her. Or, there’s always Dave. I’m thinking the massager is a better option here aren’t you?
Dave, Charla and Keith talk a little later about their alliance. I’m calling it D.C.K. since Keith and Dave are d!cks. They talk to Tom to figure out what he’s gonna do. Tom is like Speedy Gonzales on acid, so I’m not sure what talking to him is supposed to accomplish.
Moving right along to another bizarre incident with those madcap kids of Paradise Hotel. Alex and Ku Klux Kristin don sheets and sneak into different guests’ rooms. I think this was supposed to be funny, but it’s hard to say for sure. They are trying to scare Dave, so Alex crawls into bed with him. Maybe they were going for a Godfather thing with the horse head, but it seems like with Alex they put the wrong end of the horse in the bed cause that dude is such an ass.
Alex and Kristin try this same little stunt in Beau and Amy’s room. Of course, Beau and Amy immediately assume there are ghosts in the room. I wish I had made that up, but it’s really what they thought.
It’s almost time for the exciting moment when Tom picks his roommate for the week. Are you excited? Yeah, me neither. Tom ends up picking Holly – which means he will definitely be getting laid.
It’s at this point in the show that we get to meet Smokey, Tom’s beloved sock puppet. You can’t make this stuff up people. Clearly, Tom is insane. He can’t seem to keep his hands off his little Smokey. And he appears to be humping his pillow. Have y’all ever seen the Wild Thornberrys? You know the Ape Boy? That’s what Tom is like, a horny little Ape Boy. But he’s a horny little Ape Boy with a Sock Puppet named Smokey. They’re now my favorite couple.
Here comes some exciting news. There’s going to be a Casino Night at Paradise Hotel. So the premise of this is that whichever guy wins the most money at the casino will be safe from eviction at the next roommate selection. Dave again starts to froth at the mouth in anticipation. Dave seems to fancy himself a gambler. Tom and Smokey have a conversation about how unbalanced Dave is. Smokey thinks he needs counseling.
In a development that surprises no one, Amy doesn’t understand what casino night is. But as soon as they tell her there will be unlimited lard-filled fats and donuts, she cheers right up.
Dave and Tom spend some time relaxing at the pool before Casino Night. Dave tries to explain to Tom that Tom will be a target. Tom has some trouble focusing on this information and instead starts humping an inflatable air mattress. Smokey is devastated to learn that Tom is cheating on him again and starts reading Co-Dependant No-More. Let Go and Let God Smokey. Let Go and Let God.
Everyone is getting all dolled up for their casino night party. A slightly tipsy Alex compliments Kristin on how nice she looks. And, in a rare moment of clarity, Kristin tells him to have another drink and she’ll look even better. She’s a confident girl, our Kristin.
In other notable news, Keith looks like an extra from the The Sopranos, and Tara is wearing the skankiest dress imaginable.
Onto the exciting gambling action: Charla gives Dave all her money to gamble with which he promptly loses. Amy makes fun of Dave for losing. Keith kicks some serious ass. Alex (who looks and acts like a ring bearer with a hormone imbalance and a sugar rush) gets all pouty.
See, Alex wants us all to think he’s a cool confident guy. But Alex is really a desperate scared pathetic little boy. So he cheats. He cheats a lot, and he cheats badly. Everyone knows he’s cheating. And if they don’t know, that’s ok cause he tells them he’s doing it.
Kristin is eating faster than Alex is cheating and Amy is drinking faster than Kristin is eating. It’s a dysfunctional family hoedown with the originals. All three of them are making Dave miserable and being petulant whiney brats. It’s not even fun to make fun of them because they are such miserable twits.
Right as time is running out, Keith wins at 21. It’s hard to tell who will have the most money and therefore immunity. Keith did really well, but Alex stole who knows how much. Plus, the girls can give their money to whomever they want. Well, if there’s any money left over after they buy their daily supply of ice cream and lithium. Anything can happen! No, really – anything can happen because the rules aren’t really that relevant to this show.
So, which man will end up with the power to decide who stays and who goes? Which guy will reject Charla next? Will Kristin actually become an Oompa Loompa and eat til she explodes? Will Tom keep stroking his little Smokey? Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Paradise ’Ho-tel.