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Paradise Hotel 1 - Episodes 12 & 13 Summary

'I'm in Love With a Male Model!' By shakes the clown
Original Airdate: July 29, 2003

Well, you knew it was only a matter of time before some loser with nothing better to do with his time decided to waste an evening summarizing this pile of steaming crap. So, I figured that if it was going to be some loser, it might as well be this loser. Alright, well this show is two excruciating hours long so enough with the hellos how do you, lets just get this thing over with.

Now, since this show started over a month ago and no one has thankfully bothered to summarize it till now we might as well take a little refresher course in some of our main players.

First, we have Scott, he of the dress wearing, Foni ass kissing, non Charla making out with fame. Now, I may not have a queer eye for the straight guy, but I most definitely have a straight eye for the queer eye....and Scott, honey, I got my eye on you twinkle toes. Seriously, someone get this guy a closet so he can fall out of the damn thing already.

Then there’s Dave, who just happens to be the single ugliest thing ever to appear on a reality tv show and before any of you out there start to object, yes, I did take into consideration Big Brother Scott’s genital warts. It was a tight race, but Dave prevailed. Another thing about this guy, and it doesn’t get more pathetic than this. I would be willing to bet all the money I’ll ever make in my life that when this idiot dies (please be soon) his tombstone reads at his request “Here lies Dave, a man who once participated in the kissing game”. And yes Dave, we all saw it so you can stop asking and/or reminding everyone who gets within spitting range of you.

Next up is Kristen, who can name all 40 guys she has ever slept with, but that’s only because she still has the cancelled checks. The strange thing about this whore is that usually on these weight loss infomercials the person actually gets thinner between the before and after picture. But, I swear to god this girl is exploding before our very eyes. Its kind of like those Discovery channel nature shows where you get to see the flower go from seedling to full bloom in 30 seconds. Seriously, go ahead and try this next time you are watching the show...when Kristen is on the screen put it in slow motion and you can actually see her getting fatter and fatter from one frame to the next. I’m telling you by the end of this show if they paint her bluish purple Willy Wonka will be able to sue FOX for copyright infringement.

Zack, as we all know, has lawyer in him. Now, I’ve only been a lawyer myself for 6 years so maybe I’m not an expert, but in my limited experience I have yet to finish out a closing argument with the word “cuz”. Maybe I’ll try that next time. You know what else I’m going to try next time.....if I ever see a kid abandoned at the local shopping mall I’m going to assume his mom knew what she was doing and run him over with my truck so we don’t get stuck with another loser like Zack 20 years later. Arrest me then, but thank me now. You cringe, but you know I’m right.

Not far behind Zack, as always, is Amy who has single handedly set the womens’ movement back 20 years with her subservient “please Zack may I have another lit cigarette burnt into my flesh cause dinner was cold” attitude. Same crazy before and after deal as with Kristen only replace “fat” with “disgustingly vile and ugly”.

Then there’s Foni who we all remember from Love Cruise. Of course, by “we all” I mean the 7 of us who watched it. Well, not much has changed with Foni (including her stated age) except for the fact that her face has been replaced with the landscape from a Marlboro billboard...after the horse has run all over it.....and the cowboy spit his chew on the rocks.

How bout Charla. Now since Charla absolutely despises every one of her castmates there’s really nothing you can say bad about the girl...except for the fact that she tried to make out with Scott, but I’m convinced she only did that cause everyone knows girls love the challenge of converting the gay guy. Sorry Charla, but the fish ain’t biting.

Of course how can we forget Tara. Well, actually its quite easy after her grand chessmaster move a week ago where she plotted all episode long to get rid of one of the evil three headed whore only to turn around and dump Amanda cause she’s like, totally in like with Beau and he checked off the “yes” box on the note she passed him in homeroom.

The only two left to talk about are Alex and Beau and those two are so funny the way they always fight and make up and fight and make up. They’re so cute as a couple they make Forest and Ginny look like Ike and Tina.

Speaking of Alex and Beau, how bout a song....

I call this one “Alex and Beau” and feel free to sing along, to the tune of “Jack and Diane” (obviously)

Little ditty about Alex and Beau
2 media whores trying to screw the same dumb ho
But that ho it turns out had an old boyfriend
So Alex and Beau sent her ass packing in the end.

Suckin’ on Foni’s face in the bed late one night
Alex runnin’ to the bathroom
Where he pukes with all his might
Foni says “Hey Alex thanks for ruining
That rep of mine”
But Alex ain’t listening
He just puked up his spine
And Alex say

Oh yeah you know this show won’t stop
long after the ratings were an all time flop
Oh yeah you know this crap goes on
Setting new lows for the career of Bruce Toms, they walk on

Alex sits back reflects his time spent with Kristen
Scratches his crotch and does his best Easy E
Well you know Beau we oughta get out of this place
Beau says “I ain’t going with you if it still burns when you pee”
Alex say a

Oh yeah you know this show won’t stop
long after the ratings were an all time flop
Oh yeah you know this crap goes on
Setting new lows for the career of Bruce Toms, they walk on

Gonna close my eyes
Clog my ears
Having this show extended
One of my greatest fears
Hold on to one belief as long as we can
Soon this crap will be done
We’ll be watching Survivor again

Little ditty about Alex and Beau
Two media whores trying to screw the same dumb ho

Alright, that’s enough of that. How bout we stop the wasting of time and get this show rolling already.

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