I come from a long line of gamblers. My grandmother cheats at cards. My father squandered a small fortune in stocks before it was fashionable to do so. My siblings are medium rollers (rollers with more brains and less bling). My toddler watches the World Poker Tour on TV with me and recognizes that these people are “playing cards for money.” And I have been known to buy a lottery ticket or two (but only when it goes over the $100M mark). With this kind of resume, and the promise of a Mark Burnett production, I had such high hopes for this show. I quickly volunteered to recap and counted the days until it premiered.
And then I started counting the days until someone made it stop. But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed, the show has not yet been cancelled, so here we are. My first (and perhaps only) recap. Oh how I hate this show.
Because this show has no redeeming value, I have to do something to make this recap worth reading. So I propose a game of virtually interactive Texas Hold ‘Em. I will explain the game as we go for those of you who don’t watch ESPN or ESPN2 or The Travel Channel or Bravo. References to the game will be in green, for the protection of those of you whose religions forbid you from partaking in games of chance.
The Blinds: To keep the game going, two players are forced to bet on each hand. These are the Big Blind and Little Blind. The size of these mandatory bets varies depending on who’s playing and how early you need to get up the next morning. I’ll cover the blinds with 10 dinars and a leftover pizza.
Like many others, I cannot remember which fool is Tim and which is Tom. In my mind, I refer to the puffy one as Alvin the Chipmunk and the consumptive-looking one as Mimi. For purposes of clarity, and in keeping with our theme, we shall refer to them as BigBlind and LittleBlind.
Previously, the Blinds raced their penis cars to work. BigBlind got there first and won a bet that would be several months’ salary to most people. Because LittleBlind didn’t have the cash on him, they decided to go double or nothing in an all-out game of Gin. Gin? WTF? My grandmother plays Gin.
So they play the game and we have to watch. I’m not going to recap the game. It was all I could do not to fast-forward right past it. Suffice it to say that BigBlind acted like a Cheney (both by being a Dicque and tossing out the F-bombs) and LittleBlind won the bet. And while they played? They ate something that looked almost exactly like rice pudding. Gin and rice pudding. Have I mentioned that I hate this show?
The Ho’…I mean Hole Cards: The first two cards dealt to each player which nobody else can see unless you are playing on TV in hopes of making a big pile of cash and/or a big fool of yourself. Because this is not reality television, you’ll have to deal your own cards. Go open your favorite solitaire game. The first two cards on the left will be your hole cards. Don’t show them to anyone until the end of the recap. At this point, everyone has the opportunity to call, raise or fold. I like my cards, so I’ll raise with 20 raisins and a slightly used litterbox.
So of course I get the episode with all the T&A. Seems the highrollers are coming to the Nugget in droves. They come for the great craps odds and stay for the TV cameras. Of course, what highrollers really want is a floorshow. Alas, the Nugget has no nightlife to speak of, so LittleBlind takes it upon himself to procure some entertainment.
PimpOfTheWeek arrives with a bevy of fuschia-clad maidens. The caption tells me these are the Trashy Lingerie Girls. LittleBlind is worried they are too risqué for his casino. Their leader, one Trashy Mary, assures him they can put on a show in keeping with the “Old Las Vegas” stylings of the Nugget. Instead of Trashy 2004 Ho’s, they plan to dress as Trashy 1904 Ho’s. Yeah. That’ll be a lot classier, I’m sure.
LittleBlind and HeadOfEntertainmentJoe (hereafter BossJoe if you’re paying attention) discuss LittleBlind’s Big Idea. BossJoe doesn’t think Ho’ is the way to go. He interviews that the Nugget caters to an older clientele. Hefner notwithstanding, he thinks the Viagra set might not be too keen on Hookers in Pink. BigBlind sticks his big head into the room during this discussion. He hears the Big Idea and says “yeah, whatever, it’s your call.” LittleBlind takes this as a big thumbs’ up and decides to hire the girls over BossJoe’s objection. BossJoe rolls his eyes.
The girls arrive. Now that they’re in the hotel and their contract in full force, LittleBlind decides this is the time to watch the promotional DVD they gave him at their first meeting. He watches. There’s a lot of flashing and grinding going on. From the expression on his face, I am convinced this is the first time LittleBlind has seen breasts.
LittleBlind heads on up to the SuiteOfTheWeek, where one of the girls (Friday is her name) is flashing herself in the ceiling mirror and squealing about how she loves her breasts. When LittleBlind arrives, she flashes them at him. Definitely the first live (I'd say real, but, well, you know) breasts he’s ever seen.
Out in the hall, he recovers from the shock and reconsiders the Big Idea. LittleBlind rushes to his office and gets on the phone to call Trashy Mary. Where a normal person might say “Hello?” she actually answers the phone “Trashy Mary!”. He reminds her he’s new to the gambling license game and lays down the law: No lingerie in the casino (but catholic schoolgirl uniforms are okay); No flashing in the public areas (I guess that means they can take off their tops? Sorry.); No sexuality of any kind in the hotel. This is downtown Vegas after all, not the sinhole otherwise known as The Strip. We have to maintain a sense of decorum at all times.
Trashy Mary lays into Friday. Tells her to “keep the kids in her shirt.” Friday promises not to “show the orbs again.”
The Flop: The first three community cards. These are flipped over all at one time. The following cards are now in play. Make of them what you will. I’ll throw in a small pile of miscellaneous Matchbox car parts.