Previously, on Joe Schmo........Those wacky jokesters at SpikeTV sweat bullets wondering if Ingrid is on to their little game......The housemates threw a suprise birthday party for Tim revealing the memories of a pathetic childhood...Cammy reveals she likes her beans with a little pork (yes, that’s code)...Tim tries his moves on Piper (who, if she wasn’t a mannequin, would be SO out of his league) and Austin stops just short of giving one last pearl necklace. Ladies, bare your necks, and gents, present your wicks. Im about to reveal what happened on the MOST.SHOCKING.EPISODE.IN.HISTORY!
As we open, Austin is, after a long, dramatic pause, rested enough to give Ingrid a pearl necklace. She grins from ear to ear as she approaches Austin. He asks her permission to adorn her, to which she replies “Yes, please” in what she believes is her “sexy” voice. Do you think she’s got any clue what he’s really asking? Somehow, I don’t believe her answer would be any different if she did. After their intimate moment in front of God and the 15 people that are actually watching the show, Austin sighs and turns to Ambrosia. He tells her that he felt they were connecting, but that the he talked to the other girls and they told him that she was a f(bleep)in b!tch. In the worst bit of acting ever broadcast, Ambrosia “weeps” as Austin hands her back the tiara she gave him when he arrived. Ingrid looks uncomfortable with Austin’s language, and gives ‘Brosia a sorrowful look. Derek, in a scripted Freudian slip, calls her Omarosa when asking if she has any parting words. She goes into a tirade about being third runner up, tosses her tiara on the floor. Girlfriend couldn’t shine Ho-marosa’s shoes. The big “O” would of wrapped that tiara around Austin’s jewel bag, and twisted ‘til he was spitting diamonds. As it was, Ambrosia screams that “This whole show is a joke!”
Derek is mortified, calling the show a “remarkable journey” adding that it was cast just the day before by Hollywood agents. He touches on everything that gave Ingrid doubts about the show. He tells Ingrid that she’s been living in a house full of “talented” actors hired to take her on a wild ride. You’d think this show could do one thing that didn’t reek of a bad porn flick, wouldn’t you? And, just in case you’re interested, I don’t believe for one minute that this means that Cammy wasn’t in “Porked and Beans”. It just means that her agent got her a semi-legit gig afterward. Ingrid is relieved to know that she’s not going crazy. Derek continues on, telling her that she’s been impossible to fool, stopping just short of telling her that she’s been a total pain in the #####. He reveals that Tim is the now the only one who believes that the show is real, and offers her the opportunity to stay in the house, join the cast, and make $100,000.00 if they can fool him until the end of the show. She thinks about it for roughly 5 seconds, and says “I’LL DO IT!!!”. She asks the rest of the cast to stop acting like lunatics. Cammy says loudly “I’m not really dumb!!” and states that her boobs ARE real. Yeeeeaaaaah, right.
Cut to the post-ceremony interview with Ingrid. She lets us know again that she’s so relieved that it was a joke because she thought she was going crazy. And then, when the shock wore off, she had this “incredible feeling of importance” to think that all of this work could be done around *her*. That’s right Ingrid, the casting people saw you on the street and said “Hey, lets create a show around this incredible woman! She needs to have her own show! She’s so hot....lets put her in a house with a bunch of freaks and see how many idiotic stunts we can make her do. That way, we can show millions of people just how intelligent and sophisticated she is!” Ingrid has a Master's Degree in International Relations and does contract work with the UN and other government agencies, but it took Joe Schmo to give meaning to her life. Finally, she can die a happy woman.
In the production meeting in the morning, the directors ask “the next Hollywood Starlet” to tone down the “Truman Show” comments. He encourages everyone to support each other and have fun while they humiliate Tim. After a rousing round of applause, they head off for the mansion.
They congregate on the verandah, with Tim, for the “Falcon Twist”. The falcon nearly decapitates Tim as it swoops in with the “twist”...... 2 new suitors waiting to join the game, but only one will join the cast of talented actors and the clueless dude with compensation issues. Austin and the PiperDoll have to choose between 2 doors, each one having a new contestant behind them. Sort of like a live version of Mystery Date. Piper’s hoping for the geek that will become Bill Gates, and Austin wants a girl just like mom. Except hot.
Ultimately, Austin lets PiperDoll choose. She picks the door on the right. The biggest twist in reality show history is revealed, as SUPRISE, it’s a new Schmo-ette! Her name is Amanda (hopefully she wont figure it out). It lends the show a bit of ‘cred in Amanda’s eyes because she remembers seeing Ingrid at the casting call. Derek introduces the dreamboat that IS Austin. Tim checks out Amanda, wishing he had saved his spanky lap dance for her. Buck up pal, there’s still time, ‘cause we all know you’re not getting anywhere near Piper’s lap.