Last week, on The Joe Schmo Show, Host Derek Newcastle rolled that beautiful bean footage, Little Miss Cammy Homewrecker broke up Austin’s parents’ marriage, and Ingrid’s grandfather (no, the other one) died. Who will die tonight?
We start, as always, with a production meeting in which, as always, nothing of substance is actually said. In bullet point form (except without the bullet points, ‘cause I’m not that HTML-savvy), it boils down to this: * better * crazier * real The producer calls “break!” and Gerald fires up the pompoms.
In the courtyard, the boys are dressed in blue, and the girls in red. Tim the vampire says he doesn’t want to get some sun, and Amanda laments the fact that she reflects the light. Don’t worry hon, it’s just the really, really white light.
Discussion then turns to Ingrid’s demise, and the questionable one of her grandfather. Tim thinks it’s hilarious, although he is surprised that she had him fooled with her sincerity act. I’m not so surprised, however, since she looks like a close relation to Johnny Fairplay. Amanda doesn’t think she faked it though, because Ingrid had told her that her mother’s parents lived with them. Tim wants to see the footage of Austin on the phone, wondering if he just hung up with an “OMG!”
Austin and Piper join the suitors. Tim gives Piper a kiss, but Gerald goes for a hug with Austin. Eleanor requests that Austin bring the Coupon Book O’ Love she gifted him with later, and he agrees.
Derek enters with his usual fanfare, and recaps the previous night’s upsetting events: how Austin evicted Ingrid for lying about her grandfather’s death after speaking with him on the phone. However, it was Amanda who so ably (being generous, since the tape never lies, and the tape shows her able questioning went a little something like this: “I, uhhh, it’s, no, duh,”) questioned whether he spoke to the right grandfather. Derek says the answer to this question is an embarrassing ‘no.’ It turns out that Austin had indeed spoken with her maternal grandfather, who (also) is alive and well.
So, to follow the example set by Simba and Musafa, Amanda is going to mouth “WTF?” and look around to see if anyone else thinks Derek is as nutty as Bryce they’re going to have their very own Circle of Life celebration. I think a better theme song might be ‘In The Jungle,’ but what do I know? Anyway, as Derek intones, “From death comes a new birth.” Austin asked the producers to reinstate Ingrid in the game, and after much painstaking deliberation, it was decided that yes, they would.
Derek calls Ingrid out, everyone applauds, Gerald shouts “yay!” and flails his arms like a girl, and Austin hugs her and says “I’m sorry.” Derek says, “Welcome back, Love. We’re all very happy that your grandfather is dead and you’re back in the game.” Flustered, he apologizes for his malapropism, and informs them that because of this turn of events, however, another woman will be evicted tonight in a Pearl Necklace Ceremony.
Tim confesses: “I would have thought Austin would get a little farther than ‘Oh, this is her grandfather? Okay, thanks, bye.’ You know, that dumdum.” And you know you’re really stupid when the guy that thinks it’s all real goes Great Gazoo on you.
Back at the party, a plane flies by with another banner from Bryce to Piper. It’s message, lacking the meticulous thinking-through you might expect from a stalker, reads “Did you get my first banner?” Everyone thinks this is cute, except for Tim, who describes it as insane, and thinks they should call 911. Amanda suggests they all lay on the ground and spell out “yes,” while Tim laments that there aren’t enough bodies to add “now leave us alone you fugging psycho.” Piper and the girls wave enthusiastically at the plane.
In the Joe Schmo’s lampoon of product placement, Derek returns with the Pumpercize Thigh and Bun Blaster, for which the suitors are supposed to perform an infomercial. TJ has as much trouble with the contraption’s name as he does with ‘cunnalingus.’ In a Freudian slip, Tim describes it as a ‘Piper Pumper.’ The Schmos think the whole thing is ridiculous, especially when the superior equipment breaks apart in their hands, but they handle it like troopers, Tim allowing Gerald to oil him up, and proclaiming it the best toy for Blasting Ass of 2004.
After the infomercial, Ingrid must complete her task of telling Tim of Cammy’s food fetish video. There hasn’t been this big a gossip queen on reality television since Ant of Last Comic Standing. Tim alternately gapes, pants, drools, wags his tail, and nods along excitedly with Ingrid’s story. He says he’s got to get a hand on that. Fortunately in the singular, since I’m betting one hand’s already occupied.
After changing clothes, Piper, Austin, and the suitors gather back outside. Amanda anticipates Derek’s arrival and beats the production crew with a “Do-do-do-do!” of her own. Derek says that the glove on his hand, the stink of raw meat (disclaimer: this statement 100% accurate and in no way affiliated with the previous paragraph, thank you) in the air, and the worried look on their faces can only mean a Falcon Twist.
Monticore swoops in with a screech and delivers the news that while they are here to woo Austin and Piper, until six months ago, the two were themselves a couple. The suitors look at Austin and Piper, Austin looks surprised himself, and looks at Piper. It’s horrible not being able to remember who you slept with for the four years before. Derek says that their relationship went from an episode of The Love Boat to a screening of Titanic. And now they’re stuck on Gilligan’s Island with a bunch of goofs, that’s amore. Derek exits with his usual “The Falcon has spoken,” and the suitors crowd around the Bachelor and Bachelorette, inquiring as to if that makes things weird.
Gerald informs us that Emmett the frog was given into the care of Cammy after Bryce’s eviction. Her decision to feed the frog a donut led the producers to take it away from her and put it in the same trailer with the falcon. As they planned, nature ran it’s course, and we’ll soon be expecting little frogcon babies, or so the lovey-dovey music and fluffy pink-bordered shots of Falcon and Frog would suggest.
Derek, already waiting with Austin and Piper, looks quite confused when his fanfare plays for the entrance of the suitors. He says today’s challenge will test whether they have all the right moves or the rhythm of an amputee, and introduces them to Austin and Piper dolls, which they must make out with. The jury is still out which one’s the real dummy between Austin and his doll. His doll actually looks more like Gerald, and Gerald looks at it, then at Austin, then back at the doll, apparently unsure which doll is more enticing. Whichever guy and girl impress Piper and Austin the most will win a double date for the evening.
Derek sets the mood with a Clapper-activated disco ball (because the Clapper or the disco ball alone wouldn't have been cheesy enough). TJ goes first, massaging and sucking on the Piper doll’s feet. Amanda wants to take it slow with the Austin doll. Tim says he’s been having a great time, but he just wants to hang out (unlike some other players he knows). Other? You think too much of yourself, my friend. Returning to his seat, Playah #2 says, “That feels gross. I hope you don’t feel that gross.” Piper looks rightly offended (I mean, if there's anything worse than "I just want to be friends," it's gotta be the guy using that line on your dummy), but the script's already been written.
Ingrid tries to seduce the Austin doll by telling it about a new book she’s reading on the Rise and Fall of Communism. Tim confesses that he thinks it’s weird that that turns her on. Not everything can be as sexy as Pork and Beans, after all.
Gerald tells the Piper doll that she looks so surprised because her skin is reacting to all the tension. Tim confesses that Gerald’s performance was sweet, but he thinks Piper is starting to think of him as a girlfriend. Cammy tries to convince the Austin doll to have a threesome with her and the Piper doll (and what male doll would resist that offer?), but is unable to lift the Piper doll to participate in the game.
Eleanor goes last, desperate to win some private time with Austin since she gave up her date to Ingrid last time in sympathy for her grandfather’s death. She tells the doll that it looks like a hunk, and that she’d cook for it and they’d eat food…not that she likes to eat a lot. If it was her man, and they were married…not that they have to get married right away…although it’s not like she doesn’t want to get married and have kids either, she does, eventually, but she can wait. Or they can do it now. Or she can wait. She flees the couch in embarrassment.
Tim confesses that she was very nervous, and that a talented actress might have pulled that off, but she wasn’t acting, she was just being herself. This, boys and girls, is Grade A irony. Amanda says it was painful to watch, like watching yourself get duped by a fake reality show on national television a train wreck.
Piper quickly chooses Tim, for being a true gentleman. Austin says he doesn’t know who to pick, but that it’s only fair to pick the person he’s spent the least amount of time with. Eleanor looks expectant and excited, but Austin says that person is Amanda. Cammy and TJ give Eleanor shocked and sympathetic looks. The production crew laugh their asses off in the production booth. Eleanor tries her best to clap enthusiastically for Tim and Amanda, but it isn’t long till she’s doing so through her tears, heartbroken.
Austin asks her what’s wrong; she says she’s fine, totally fine. She says she’s glad he and Amanda are going on a date, because everyone deserves alone time with him, even though some people have been waiting a really, really long time. She apologizes to Amanda, who tells her not to worry. Austin, trying to pacify her, brings out the coupon book and promises they’ll spend alone time. She opens the book and realizes one has been torn out. Austin tries to play dumb, saying they’re all there. Eleanor tells him the very first one, for a 10-minute massage, is missing. Cammy the Genius pipes up and says they used it on their date. Tim and Amanda’s jaws hit the floor. Eleanor is incensed that he would use her coupons with someone else. Austin says he thought it was for the game, for the whole house. That and it was double coupon day on melons. She takes the book to the fireplace and begins ripping out coupons and throwing them into the flames.
Derek, trying to gain control of the situation, congratulates Tim and Amanda once again, and instructs Austin and Piper to come with him to prepare for their date. The others try and comfort Eleanor, and Amanda uses the opportunity to get the hell out of there. Cammy gives the cameras a big grin while hugging Eleanor. Tim and Amanda both give confessionals about Eleanor losing her mind. Gerald and TJ give ESPN updates of the situation. <Gerald: Overall, how do you think it went? TJ: I think it went alright. We’ve got a good team, and we just have to take it one possession at a time, give 110%.> Eleanor apologizes to Tim for being so sensitive and taking offense to comments he doesn’t mean as insults <G: I think the turning point was where Eleanor gave that speech where she started to lose her mind. TJ: She’s one of our best players, and I think she just made a great play there. That’s what great players do, they make big plays.> Tim walks Eleanor back to her room and promises everything will be fine, then returns to his room with a “holy schnikes!” <G: Coupon book: Too much, or just enough? Discuss. TJ: I thought that was real clutch. G: That’s all the time we have. I’m Gerald, for TJ, see you next time.> Ingrid tries to calm Amanda down, saying the coupon book was funny. Amanda says it would be funnier if she wasn’t so genuinely upset. <cue footage of Eleanor sticking her tongue out and rolling her eyes at the camera while receiving a hug from Tim>
Eleanor apologizes to Amanda and Ingrid, and says she doesn’t know why she’s acting like this. “I’ve been waiting for this time, and things happening, and… I do this when I get attached to men, and I chase them, and they don’t reciprocate, and I’m not going to do this to myself anymore. It’s not good for me, and I’m just sick of it. Amanda confesses that Eleanor is an awesome person and doesn’t need to do chase someone. She’s a catch, but doesn’t seem to realize that. Back to the bedroom, Eleanor grouses one final time: “He used my coupon with someone else. Who does that?”
Piper, Austin, and their dates arrive at Yamato’s Japanese Steakhouse, whereat Piper and Austin are to snipe back and forth at each other, and eventually take each other outside to talk about it. It starts by Austin saying Piper’s doll looked just like her, except for the skin tone. The doll was a little tanner, he says. Piper demands he take it back. Piper asks if “they” dress Cammy. Austin says she looks great and that Piper is just jealous. He says Cammy is really deep. Piper says she doesn’t see it. Austin says he’s been on a date with her. Piper says there’s a lot of “My nails! My hair!” and Austin exclaims “Pot calling Kettle! Pot calling Kettle!” And Piper, “Excuse me? Male model? No f***ing way.” And so forth, until Austin says “This is drama.” Amanda and Tim fall all over each other trying to insist “there’s no drama” the greatest number of times. Piper asks if he’s trying to embarrass her, and Austin says, “So I’m the bad guy again.” Well, duh, ya dumbass. Piper throws him using the foot massage coupon with Cammy back at him again, and Austin says he thinks they’ve already gone over that. Piper shakes her head, near tears, and says he’s a totally different person, and says they need to go talk outside, because she’s not going to do this here.
An awkward silence descends on Tim and Amanda. He asks how her steak was, she asks him to tell her a little more about himself. Tim jokes that he loves the alone time he’s getting to spend with Piper, and that he didn’t realize “alone time” meant “by myself time.” He tells Amanda that he’s starting to like Piper, and she says so too she Austin. Piper comes back in and asks Tim to come outside with her. As they head out the door, she says Austin drives her nuts, and Tim asks her if she’s requesting he beat him up.
Time for Tim and Amanda to save the show! They both ask if there’s something still there between them, and both deny it. Piper and Austin confess to their respective dates that they’re not sure they want to keep doing this. Amanda tells Austin they won’t let him leave, little knowing she’s the one truly trapped in the fishbowl. Tim tells Piper to do what she wants to do, and to not not be herself. Reassured, Piper returns to the table with Tim and apologizes to Amanda and Austin for making a scene, and they have a happy dinner. And not a moment too soon, because Tim really needs a stiff drink. With an umbrella in it.
Back at the mansion, Amanda tells everyone thanks for the love and the great times, in case she leaves tonight. A producer interrupts the group hugs with the sad news that Everett the Frog has died. Amanda asks Cammy if she’s okay. Cammy says she thinks they all should say something about Everett, and that she wants to speak on his behalf. Amanda says, “I’m so sad!” and Cammy says, “He loved you.” Tim’s had enough and says, “Hey guys? It’s a frog.” Yeah, his work here should catapult him to stardom and a bright future as spokesperson for Krispy Kream, don’t worry about him. He’ll be rolling in the greenbacks soon enough (that one’s for you TL). Ingrid reprimands him and says they should honor Cammy’s wishes to treat it seriously. Eleanor proposes a 10-second moment of silence, and the producers play a video tribute to the inspirational life story of Everett.
The ten seconds up, Eleanor says he was a wonderful pet to Bryce, and that he’ll be very upset when he finds out. Tim craps his pants, not having considered Bryce’s reaction. He says he’ll go postal. Ingrid suggests they have a prayer (assumedly not for the deceased, but to protect them from the Wrath of Bryce). Cammy confesses that she has no idea how they’re buying this, why they’re okay with dead frogs and frogs eating donuts. Because donuts are so much harder to believe than mice. And of all the over-the-top goings on in the house, the frog is by far the hardest to believe.
The suitors gather for the Pearl Necklace Eviction Ceremony. Derek begins. “Love. It’s why we’re all here. But tonight, one of you will be stripped of Love’s Versaci evening gown, and instead draped in Rejection’s ill-fitting muumuu. For those of you lucky enough to remain, you will receive Austin’s ultimate symbol of love: a pearl necklace.” He welcomes them and gives each of the ladies a chance to plead their case.
Ingrid: Austin. We’ve been through so much together in just a short time, including our first fight. I think that shows that we have potential together, and so I hope you’ll keep me around and see.
Eleanor: Austin, you should know how I feel about you by now, and that’s all I’m going to say.
Amanda: I had a great time tonight, thank you very much. I pretty much expressed to you how I feel about this all; you need to go with how you feel in your gut feeling. Because guts have uite the track record on reality shows, don't they?
Cammy: Austin, I’ve had such a good time with you so far. Our date was wonderful, and that foot massage was absolutely amazing. <Eleanor leaps over Amanda and pummels Cammy to death. Okay, not really.> And you’re so much cuter than that doll today. So if you could give me a pearl necklace tonight, I really need one.
Austin: I’d just like to say that you all look incredibly beautiful tonight, and that there are no losers here. And I’ve genuinely enjoyed spending one-on-one time with each one of you. <Eleanor leaps over the table and pummels Austin to death. Okay, not really.> Thank you all.
Austin, shock of shocks, offers his first pearl necklace to Eleanor. “Eleanor, may I give you a pearl necklace?”
“Before you do, I have something to say. Ever since I got here, I’ve been waiting for a long time that just never came. Promises were made, Austin. And the only alone time that I got to spend was with Eleanor. And I was beginning not to like her very much. But thanks to the wonderful friends that I’ve made here, I’ve learned that I am a beautiful, smart, kind, and funny lady when I let myself be. And there are many guys out there who would love to spend alone time with me.
“So to answer your question, no, I will not accept your pearl necklace. In fact,” she says, ripping off her locket and thrusting it and the necklace back at Austin, “you can take your pearl necklace, and your half-hearted locket, and you can shove it up your a**.”
Everyone is in shock as she hugs them goodbye. She strides out the door purposefully, shoving Derek aside. Derek says since there are three ladies remaining, and Austin can give three pearl necklaces, to make it official by finishing the ceremony. Austin doesn't hear this, however, as he's still looking for his testicles, and Derek has to repeat the instruction. Timidly, perhaps fearful of yet another rejection, he offers pearl necklaces one by one to Amanda, Ingrid, and finally, after a long pause, to Cammy, too dumb to realize she may have been voted off.
Derek says “Tonight’s rather shocking turn of events proves the only thing certain about Last Chance for Love is that you can never be sure of a thing. Ladies, savor your victories, for tomorrow you die. Oh, wait, the death script was today. Let’s see here, ‘for tomorrow the game begins new.’ Yes, that’s it.” He leaves with Piper and Austin in tow. The suitors converse excitedly in hushed tones, with a plethora of "holy sh**"s and “you go girl!”s to the departed Eleanor. Never mind the question that if they're cheering her for getting over a complete jerk, why are they still so eager to get his pearl necklaces?
Next week on the Joe Schmo Show: Gerald practices for his own use Eleanor's speech about being a strong, beautiful woman, and the shoving up the... (okay, I'm making that one up, although I really can't decide if it would be funnier to have Austin run off with Piper or with Gerald at the end of the show), and Bryce mourns, loudly, for the loss of his beloved pet. Might I humbly suggest, for the next summary's title, "A Boy and His Frog"?
This summary written in loving memory of Everett, 2001-2004.
To step out of writing mode for a moment, I just want to say it is completely impossible to describe what a phenomenal performance “Eleanor” gave throughout this episode. All I can say is bravo! Hysterical story line combined with terrific acting. I do lvoe this show so, and am thrilled to have had the opportunity to watch and summarize an episode for a second straight season. Thank you all.