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Playing It Straight - Episode 3 Summary

'Gayme On' By GuessItRains
Original Airdate: March 26, 2004

Hey folks, itís time for another summary of Messing With the Straights. I guess it's a little anti-climactic now since we won't be finding out how this ends up for a while, but I'm doing my duty nonetheless. Sorry it took so long.

When last we left Jackie, she had finally succeeded in eliminating one gay man, Alex. Alex was so boring that it was unclear if he was actually part of the show or only edited in as part of post-production so Jackie didnít look like a total loser. But Jackie countered that success by eliminating a straight man, Ryan, who in 2 episodes managed to completely antagonize Banks, Eddie, and the entire viewing audience (which according to the latest Nielsens comes to about 100 viewers) before being axed. So that means Jackieís batting a pathetic one for four and unless she can turn things around tonight, she might as well just go back to Hooterville and give up the cash for good.

We kick things off with nine of the ten remaining guys, who are sitting with Jackie drinking wine for some unexplained reason. Suddenly Daphne, the host who drops in every once in a while when things get slow appears and makes a ďseriousĒ announcement. Eddie, who you may recall made quite an impression last week by getting drunk on tequila, singing cute little Cuban soprano arias, and attempting to make out with Ryan in the hot tub, has quit the show. Jackie, who still doesnít seem to realize that the whole point of the show is to eliminate obviously gay man like Eddie, says sheís really disappointed that Eddie just disappeared because she liked him so much. The other guys all seem puzzled by Eddieís decision, but Bradley says that Eddie basically just didnít feel comfortable and weíre all left hanging as to the reason. My guess: Eddie realized that this show is patently ridiculous and canít possibly further any of his acting or singing ambitions. Either that or heís already inked a deal with Fruit of the Loom.

In any event, Daphne now asks the remaining folks whether they think Eddie was straight or gay. Jackie thinks Eddie was straight. Apparently in rural Wisconsin straight men routinely get drunk, sing in high-pitched voices, jump into hot tubs wearing nothing but tightie whities, and then start licking the necks of other men in the tub. No wonder sheís having some trouble with this show. John, Chad, and Bradley also claim to have thought Eddie was straight, but Iím thinking maybe they just didnít want to make Jackie feel bad.

Anyway, Jackie is completely stunned when Eddie is revealed to be gay. Because he was such an extroverted flirt, she just assumed he was straight. Hey Jackie, before you watch Will & Grace this Thursday Iím going to let you in on a little secret: Jack is gay. Chad is happy that Eddieís gone. Jackie is frustrated that she canít seem to figure out who is gay. She thought all she would have to do was look at which men were drinking decaf frappucinnos and crossing their legs (no Iím not making that up), but itís turning out to be a little tougher. Jackie decides to hatch a plan: sheíll test the guys by flirting with them and seeing who flirts back. OK, now Iím confused. Didnít we just establish that this didnít work with Eddie?

In any event, we now get to watch several gratuitous clips of the nine remaining men wearing as little as possible while Jackie comments on whether or not she thinks they are gay. She decides Bill is straight, Banks is straight because he says he is, she canít tell about Chris, Chad and John are straight, and Luciano is also straight. So is Sharif. They all seem straight to her. I assume that ďallĒ includes Bradley and Lee who are apparently so irrelevant that they donít even rate a mention.

Anyway, after a commercial itís time for another breakfast in bed, this time with Chad. Jackie picks Chad because he has paid her very little attention to date. Chad says heís there to win the game but that heís nervous being around a beautiful woman. Guessing Chad hasnít been around too many of those before, but come on Chad are they that different from beautiful men? Chad tells Jackie over breakfast that he Ďs well-rounded, likes art galleries, and is into womenís lib. Based on these bizarre statements, Jackie thinks Chad is strange and doesnít get the sense that he really likes her. She seems overjoyed to see him leave. Chad of course thinks heís doing great in the game. Itís clear he canít read women at all, although itís not clear if itís because heís a lying, faking gay boy or a pathetic loser straight boy.

While Chad does breakfast, the rest of the men are ordered to pack for a camping trip. Sharif announces that he hates camping because there are bugs and the ground is lumpy. Jackie has to pick four of the men to ride horses with her to the campsite. The other 5 have to lead the pack mules with all the supplies. Jackie picks John, Lee, Chris, and Bill because she has the most questions about their sexuality. I guess Chad must be off the hook for the time being. Off they ride while Luciano, by far the strongest man in the competition, complain about having to lead the mules. Think about it Lucy: if John and Chris were leading the mules theyíd never make it to the campsite. Sharif thinks he was sent with the mules because he (along with Banks) are the most likely to win. That Sharifís a smart one. Banks is ticked off that Sharif is using his music to woo Jackie. Banks is going to mention this fact about a hundred different times tonight, so donít worry if it doesnít seem to make sense yet.

John and Bill are riding with Jackie. They both can tell that sheís starting to watch them a lot more closely to try to see who is acting and who actually cares for her. As the men set up their tents and roast hot dogs, Jackie wanders out to ďsend the guys a messageĒ that sheís watching them and the game is on. OK, so what was Jackie doing the first two episodes? Meanwhile, we get some ridiculous sexual innuendo as the men all announce in confessionals that they are straight at the same time we watch them chowing down on their weiners.

Sun sets. The crazy hillbilly actor they hired to take over when Daphne is getting work done shows up and invites Bill, Bradley, and Chris to have a romantic dinner together. All three instantly accept and seem slightly disappointed when they realize that Jackie will be joining them as well as it will prevent them from making googlie eyes at each other and setting up dates for after the wrap party. At the dinner, the three men all toast Jackie with their decaf frappucinnos. Jackie demonstrates that she has really picked up on a winning strategy by asking the gay guys, who should have a better sense of this, who they think is gay. Jackie also asks Bradley why heís single. He says he was dumped about a year ago and is just now getting his toe back in the water. Jackie likes Bradleyís smile and flirting and refuses to believe that he is gay. Chris weighs in that Bradley is straight, but Bill thinks both Bradley and Chris are both gay. Jackie thinks Chris is friendly but worries about the fact that he doesnít flirt with her. On the other hand, sheís convinced Bill is straight because heís such a flirt. I guess he reminds her of Eddie. Hey Jackie what makes you think a gay man trying to win a million bucks wonít flirt with you? I tend to think a lot of elderly women would flirt with you if they thought it could win them a million bucks.

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