Last week, if you remember, our naïve little Jackie was heartbroken to find out that Santa Claus isn’t real that some of her suitors are gay. And she has to figure out which ones they are if she wants to win any money. Well this week, she’s warmed up to the challenge. Only so far, she’s not doing so hot. She’s already sent two straight guys home, diminishing her chances of finding a boyfriend, and more importantly, of cashing in on the big bucks. And what’s the point of embarrassing yourself on national television, I ask you, if you don’t at least get paid for it? So, Jackie… never fear! The good people of Reality TV World are here to help! To start off, I got you a little present. I think you’re going to need it in the coming weeks:
Anyway, it’s that time again, and one cheesy-as-hell theme song and ten-minute intro later, the show begins with Jackie confessing that after last night, she can no longer make decisions based on who she likes. After all, who cares if the guy she eventually ends up with is a loser? For all she cares, he could be Steve the Obnoxious Fiancé, as long as she has $500,000 to keep her warm at night! Jackie’s got to buckle down and start playing detective in order to figure out who’s really in it for love (because we know none of the straight guys could possibly be more interested in $500,000 than they are in her. No siree). Jackie, here’s your helpful tip of the day: All those Columbo reruns you’ve been watching are amusing, I’m sure, but I wouldn’t rely too heavily on them for help. I don’t recall any episode in which Columbo stayed on a fake ranch, simultaneously dating fourteen men of varying sexual preference.
So Jackie has decided to let Ryan bring her breakfast in bed, because she still needs more time with him to decide whether he’s gay or straight. Jackie, Jackie, Jackie… I can’t keep walking you through every little thing. Don’t make me come out there to Sizzlin’ Saddles and whack you upside your pretty little head. For half a million big ones, did you really think the producers would hand you gay guys who actually acted like gay guys? I mean, this guy is as flaming as they come. If you haven’t figured out by now that he’s straight, you are pretty much hopeless.
(Meanwhile, all the other guys are left to perform the farm chores. I have to say, watching this group of guys shovel manure is almost as funny as seeing the Joe Millionaire ladies do it. John: “Ew, disgusting! I just stepped in mud, and it’s all over my new boots!” Heh heh.)
“Smooth Operator” Ryan is really turning on the charm now, arriving late for breakfast with a rose stuck down his pants for Jackie to find. Leaning down on Jackie to give her a big hug, he asks, “Do you feel it?” She doesn’t. He stays pinned on top of her just long enough for her to get the wrong idea, before giving up and moving on to his next “romantic” gag, which is to insist that she throw grapes at him, and then kiss him. The best part of this segment is a shot of Ryan leaning forward eagerly for a kiss and Jackie sort of cringing away from him, while Ryan’s voice over is saying something like, “Jackie was leaning in for me to kiss her, so I humored her. I’m such a smooth guy.”
Okay. Now THIS is comedy. The competition for private dates with Jackie involves the twelve guys running away from cowboys on horses, and trying not to be lassoed. The first one to cross the finish line without being caught by a lasso gets to have a picnic with Jackie. It’s pretty funny, seeing how some of the guys run like girls, and some actually do get roped. The only thing that’s missing, IMO, is Bradley and Sharif getting hog-tied. (OMG, did I just say that out loud?! ) Anyway, John and Luciano are the winners. Jackie thinks there’s something strange about John, but she falls hook, line and sinker for Luciano and his lame excuse that his affinity for fashion is his way of hiding from the world. *puke* Jackie, I know you're having a hard time tearing your eyes away from this guy, so here is your next helpful item (I charged it to Webby's corporate account, so make sure you thank him):
After the rodeo, as the guys are dressing for dinner, and fighting over who gets to wear what shirt, the line of the night is delivered by Bradley: “My ‘shirt’ -I use the term loosely- looks like a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream had sex with a tablecloth.” I’m picking myself up off the floor after this, and- Wait a second... Is Chris giving his interview whilst sitting naked in a trash can?!? Somebody please tell me I’m hallucinating.
Moving on to the barn dance. The guys are told to pair up with each other, one being the male, and one being the female. The guys are not too happy about this, and when Jackie shows up, the claws start coming out. Bradley decides to get Eddie drunk, hoping that Eddie will want come up to his room later will slip up and get himself eliminated. This is working fairly well, so Ryan takes over from there… I’m not exactly sure strategically how farting in Eddie’s face helps Ryan along in the game, but that is what Mr. Smooth proceeds to do.
Oooooh, I see now. Ryan’s farts must be a powerful aphrodisiac, because in the next segment, Eddie stumbles into the hot tub, inviting Ryan to come in and sit next to him. I have to give credit to Luciano; at least he’s smart enough to get out of the hot tub at this point. Ryan decides to find out for sure whether Eddie is gay, and so sits next to him and starts giving him the old eye. Eddie reciprocates by whispering dirty words in Spanish into Ryan’s ear, and... licking his neck. Bwaahahahaha! This pushes Ryan over the edge. His eyes bug out of his head, he bolts out of the hot tub, and goes running into the house, screaming at the top of his lungs that Eddie is gay.
Upstairs in his room, Ryan hears his name through the open window. A few of the guys are down on the balcony discussing what has just happened in the hot tub. He goes down to confront them, Banks in particular. Of this exchange, I will only say that #1: I was strongly reminded of Jerry Springer by it, and #2: Jackie is sitting next to an open door, hearing every word of it. Oops! On that note, I gotta hand it to you, Jackie. You are getting better at this detective thing after all. I haven’t even had to help you for the last four paragraphs!
The next morning at breakfast is awkward, and of course, elimination time is getting nearer. The swing dates find Banks and Eddie called outside to tell their side of the story. I’m guessing from Jackie’s cold attitude toward Ryan at breakfast this morning, he’s not even going to get a chance to explain himself. He’s already screwed. Some of the guys think too-quiet Alex is going home. Ryan is sure he’s staying. Hmmm… I’m thinking now that maybe Ryan’s the one who actually needs help. Any of you kindly posters out there who are interested in helping Ryan out with his people skills after the show, please contact him at:
On to Elimination Night. All the guys are looking very nervous, while Jackie looks really cute in a white sundress. The results are as follows:
John the surfer dude: Safe Sharif: Also safe Chad: Safe Bill, who is sweating like a pig: Safe Naked-in-a-trash-can Chris: Safe Luciano: Well, DUH! Lee: Safe Funny Bradley: Safe Banks: Safe Alex: Sent home because he’s not outgoing enough. Turns out he’s actually gay! I’d say way to go Jackie, except that I’m pretty sure she did this by accident. She seems really surprised when he says he’s gay. Ryan: Also sent home, for obvious reasons. However, Jackie confesses that she is sorry to have gotten rid of him once he'd revealed that he’s straight. Whatever, Jackie. You are hereby cut off. Eddie: Safe, and very relieved.
Before he leaves, Alex tells us he wanted to come on the show to disprove the stereotypes that are made about gays. You can’t always tell when someone is gay. How right he is. RIP Alex, you seemed like a really nice guy.
Ryan is bitter, but what did you expect?
Next week: A camping trip, some violent tempers, and somebody wants to take his toys and go home.