Last week on the Bachelorette: In the truly most dramatic.rose.ceremony.ever, Meredith, in a moment of panic, realizes that she can’t choose between the handsome men she has left. So instead of handing out six roses, she gives out seven. Apparently, Ryan R. thought that he should have been deserving of that seventh rose, and his temper explodes. Rick tries to sooth him over by saying: “Man, you’re making a fool out of yourself on National T.V. Don’t go there.” Ryan says: “I can make a fool out myself if I want to. Weren’t you the one who gave Meredith that cheesy pair of slippers? Who’s the fool now?” Which leaves us to tonight’s episode, in which Chris promises us that: “We’ll truly have the.most.dramtic.rose.ceremony.(and if you believe that I have swampland in Florida to sell you.)
Part One: Love Letters
We get a beautiful scenic shot of birds swooping down over the guy’s house…could this be some sort of foreshadowing? (Ok, I’ve been watching Survivor way tooo long)
Inside the house Chris is there with this dire announcement: “Next to me are two of Meredith’s closest friends: TJ (who she’s known for 11 years) and Kelly Jo. No, you haven’t tuned into the Bachelor by mistake. Apparently, after being gratefully dissed by Bob, the two are now best friends-no Matthew that they only knew each other for what, 6 weeks?
However, I digress. Chris gives the guys this bad news: “These two DAW’s are going to decide who gets to go individual dates with Meredith, and who gets to go on a lame group date with her.” This brings looks of despair and surprise on the guys faces. But Chris isn’t done with his bad news, because he gleefully announces: “You have to get into pairs of three and sing “never gonna give you up” to Kelly Jo and TJ and the best group of three gets to move on in this competition…” Wait! That’s American Idol, my bad. He tells the guys something that is perhaps just as horrible: “You have to write a letter and read it out loud to Kelly Jo and TJ and tell them why you are Mr. Right for Meredith.” Oh, and one last thing, you only have an hour to write it, and you better not forget your lines, or they’ll be heck to pay!
Before you know the hour is up, and Chris is calling the guys back into the house to read their letters to KJ and TJ. The letters read by the Bachelors went something like this:
(sung to the tune of Never gonna give you up)
Mer-e-dith. Never gonna give you up let us tell you how much we love ya let us tell you how we’re feeling, you’re so geninue and loyal, not the DAW we thought you were. You’re sooo ca-r-ing. We’re never wanna give, never gonna let her down or desert her… let us tell you how sincere you are, oh, words can’t describe you Never gonna let you down, oh no Never gonna give you up like Bob did, let us tell you that we love you, we think you’re elegant, but we’re not Ryan, oh no, No poems from the heart, just this song to tell you, you’re not the DAW we thought you were. We love you. We forgot the rest of this song, but please don’t hurt us. We want that rose, uh huh.
KJ: “These guys are amazing. Simply.Amazing. I wish they could all go onto round two…”
Chris: (interrupting) “Thanks for your honesty guys, I’d love to tell you now who’s going onto the intimate date round, but Meredith will do that herself via the annoying and cheesy videotape. I’ll let you guys watch it, but I’m not stickin’ around to see your reactions because I don’t want to get beat up by you guys who only get the group date.. Ciao!”
The award for the best love letter goes to: (Drum roll please!) Chad! The videotape arrives and Meredith tells Chad “My friends think you’re the one for me. I’m not sure why, but isn’t my black leather outfit cool? Let’s shift things into high gear, and oh yea…you’re driving so I hope you go fast and have your license with you. (Did anyone else groan at that license pun?)
Part Two: Gondola Loving: Individual date with Chad
After arriving in Newport driving in a Mazada Miata they went on a gondola boat ride, and were told that there was an old Italian tradition (never mind that we are in Newport) that couples must kiss every time the gondola passes under a bridge….and our Chad is no dummy, he takes advantage of this old “Italian tradition” and kisses Meredith under the bridge. (That’s Kiss number one for those keeping track.) Faster then you can say “gondola” we’re back at the guys house. Lanny notices the tapes, and the guys file into the room, anxiously awaiting their fate. It’s Meredith telling Matthew: “Get ready to take our relationship to a new height.” KJ says that Matthew was just beaming, and that his dimples were adorable…she could just tell that he was super excited to get some alone time with Meredith, and she just was happy that she wouldn’t be there when he finds out that “taking our relationship up another level and to new height” meant flying and not well. . . ok, I won’t go there. Sean and his dreamy eyes tell us that he’s a little miffed that he didn’t get a one on one date, and did Matthew really have to rub it in with his “I won’t be thinking about you guys” line? Faster then you can say “Did you really want a date on a pod, guys?” We shift gears back to Newport with Chad and Meredith. The gondola ride took them to these strange looking things:
Upon arriving, Meredith almost falls face first into the water. . .now,that would’ve been a “truly dramatic moment.” Once inside the pods, Chad attempts to eat Sushi, and he manages to get the Sushi everywhere except on the chopsticks. He states: “Eating Sushi makes me feel cultured.” (Insert your own joke here.) The rest of the date is pretty much Meredith and Chad laughing at everything, and Chad telling Meredith: “You have an infectious laugh.”
Which really means what?
A.Meredith, your laugh is annoying the heck out of me B.I’m not sure if you are laughing at me or with me…so I’ll compliment you to cover all basis C.The pods are making me lose my mind D.To stop you from laughing, I’m going to kiss you!
He chose D, and a gave her a romantic kiss that was rudely interrupted by Chris telling us: “In three more commercial breaks, tensions will mount in the house. Guys lose their cool and annoy KJ, but I’m going to make you believe that it’s coming up in 5 minutes. bwahahahaha. “