The production starts out with an introduction to the 23 rejected men. Fully half of them I donít recognize. Are these the same guys, I am left wondering? Or were these guys that were sitting around the Hollywood backlot? Who was Eliot, for example?
And donít forget, our hostís name is Chris Harrison. You know, his job is to alert the numerically challenged to the final rose of the evening. Donít you be asking me about the bachelor Chris that got to interview all of the guys.
And Chris is different from Charlie, the winner 2nd runner up in the first Bachelorette with Trista. Címon, you know you thought it too. After watching Tristaís wedding, you know you thought Charlie got a much more out of it than Ryan Sutter. Charlie gets to interview people for a living and didnít have to endure a pink wedding. But, he doesnít get to interview people tonight. Itís Chrisí job.
Chris: Who here was surprised that Chad did not get a rose? (Everyone raises their hands.)
Tigís Commentary: This is a dumb question. Who isnít going to raise their hand? What would you say? ďUmmmÖno, Chris, that bastard did not deserve a rose. Since Iím the best one for Meredith, Matthew and Ian do not deserve a rose either.Ē Everyone would have also raised their hands if it was Matthew or Ian who didnít receive a rose on Wednesday. Nobody wants to appear unsurprised.
Chris: Damon, why were you surprised?
Damon: Iím even more surprised that you asked me, Chris. This is the first chance Iíve had to talk on camera since my audition tape.
OhÖyou want me to talk about Chad. Well, he looks like a Ken doll, Chris. And you know how well things worked out for Ken and Barbie, so I figured it would work out well for Chad and Trista, I mean Meredith. He fit all of my dating requirements. He is genuine, sincereÖ.what did you say his phone number is?
Chris: Why donít you ask him yourself, Damon? Everyone welcome Chad.
The crowd goes wild. Iím pretty sure that every row in the audience won a free pizza.
Enter Chad. He is wearing a red shirt to match his very red face. We get to see footage of the rejection. They show a little bit more of the rejection. On tape, Chad rambles on about how he lost his wife, best friend, soulmate, etc, how crushed he is.
Chris: Without sounding shallow or any more pathetic, Chad, tell me what you think now as you watch Meredith with Ian and Matthew? Do you think they have a better connection?
Chad: Yes. It looks like she does have something more special with them.
Chris: But, you loved Meredith? At the time of the rose ceremony, of course?
Tigís commentary: Because love is such a short term type of thing, of COURSE heís over it now, Chris. Just like your wife is over being in love with you already and just living off the proceeds from Tristaís wedding syndication.
Chad: No, Chris. I mean, I said that I had just lost my wife in the limo right after the rose ceremony, but I never actually loved her. People donít actually get married for love. What are you thinking? I just wanted to marry her because I was unemployed and living with mom. She was my ticket outta there.
Chris: Letís talk about your mom.
Chad: I donít know who that woman was.
Chris: You should have hired a better actor.
Chad: You know your production crew was in charge of the hiring.
Chris: That was your first mistake. You didnít see our ratings go down, did ya? And, *I* didnít look like an a$$ on national television. I mean, any more than ususual. Now, tell me, Chad, how come you didnít tell Meredith about being unemployed?
Chad cobbles together some answer about not remembering whether he told Meredith or not about being employed. Frankly, I think this whole thing about being unemployed is overdone. Lots of people are temporarily out of work when they appear on shows like this. The question is not whether the guy is employed today, but whether he is employable in the future. Chad is. However, Meredith doesnít seem to be impressed with Chadís ambition and assertiveness.
Chadís assertiveness is further called into question when they show the clip where Chad asks permission to kiss Meredith. We get to see more of the discussion surrounding this kiss. Meredith compares Chadís sexuality to a 6th grade boyfriend that she had. It is an understatement to say that this sort of comparison is not a positive sign.
Commercial Break and then Rick is called to the hot seat.
Chris: So, Rick, you made a great first impression on Mer. You gave her the slippers and she gave you the first white rose. (edit out: the long description of what the first white rose meant.) And you impressed us all with your self proclaimed metrosexual taste. I mean, what woman wouldnít swoon over a guy who drinks California Oak Chardonnay of the 2003 vintage? And your disdain for basil highlights just how suave and slick you truly are. Tell us a little more how this show has affected your dating life.
Rick: Well, Chris, no chicks want to go out with me, so I totally have to change my image.
Well, except for the fact I got a phone call from Amber in the third Bachelor, (with Andrew Firestone). Weíre going out to eat at this swanky LA joint that she knows about. You may have heard about itóitís called Olive Garden. She claims that California Oaks Chardonnay is on the menu.
But anyway, back to meÖbecause thatís who itís all about, Iím totally changing my image. Check me out, I cancelled my manicure this week. Iím moving in the opposite direction of metrosexuality. I even watched ESPN for 7 minutes yesterday. I even know that Alex Rodriguez got traded to Yankees.
Chris: Even girls and small children have heard about this. Who won the Super Bowl this year?
Rick: (proudly) Justin Timberlake. So, you see, I *am* moving in the right direction.
Chris: There was some tension with Sean. Sean, why donít you tell us about it?
Sean: Well, Chris, you see, after Rick brought out his Thigh Mastersóyou may have seen the infomercialsówe became aware of the product placement he has been doing. We thought maybe he was here for the wrong reasons. And, then he called this a game.
Chris: (*gasp*) Product placement! On a network TV show. Please, say it isnít so! We would never do any product placement of our own, except when we do. Did you notice the Ford vehicles? The trips to Disneyland? Half of the crap from Tristaís nuptials? The Coke Iím drinking now? Purely coincidence, I assure you! So, Rick, what do you have to say for yourself? Were you here for the right reasons?
Tigís commentary: This is another stupid question. What is he going to say? No? And quite frankly, I would like to know what the right reasons for being on this show might be. What would be the *right* reason to be here? And, while you are at it, what is the *right* reason to watch this show? Because, I am confident I am not watching this for the right reasons. I am watching this show to mock you, and everybody on this show.
There is some more footage of Rickís little trivia game on the hockey date and Merís little confessionals where she indicates that she thinks Rick is annoying, pompous, an a$$, Rick thinks heís hot stuff, and not here for her.
Chris: What do you think about what you just heard?
Rick: Chris, I was there for the right reasons. I was just thrown into this surreal environment. Maybe I appeared overconfident, but I was really just hiding my insecurities. There is a poor little boy within that is just begging to come out.