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Celebrity Mole Hawaii - Episode 2 Summary

'Quivering Gay Charade' By cyclehausen
Original Airdate: January 15, 2003

(n.b. pun only works with the AMERICAN pronunciation of 'charade' .... filthy teabags, say 40 Hail Andersons and a Dour Bother.)

Some confessionals....

Eric vonEisner shows us what happens when your high-budget, low-plot comedrama is axed by the sharp iron grip of common sense. He drools into the camera, loping about and whispering something about a precious. He does a good job of acting creepy. Good job of acting...hmm, scratch that.

Now Bottom-Rung Badwin steps up and tells us what a freaky game it's been. Gotcha, buddy. Freaky like a nepotism-driven career. If you look closely, on your TiVo frame-by-frame, you can see the reflection of the cameramanís eye rolling at his poppycockery.

And the rest of them chat, too..Ginger Anne, Bonnie Raitt, and Old Wash-Up all have something to say. Equal time for equal grime. No confessional by the Mole, though. Do you know what it costs to camera-powder a titantic chrome dome like that?

Enter our host, Mr. Might-As-Well-Be-A-Teleprompter-For-All-The-Excitement-I-Bring. He says some crap about splitting up into three teams: the Witches, the Bitches, and the Peed-In-Their-Britches.

One of them goes first; I don't remember who. I taped over this part because the episod of Punky Brewster with the "don't play hide and seek in a refrigerator" lesson was on and I didn't want to miss that!!!!

Oh, yeah, each team (duo? doesn't team imply some sort of readiness and competency?) will have to complete different tasks somehow related to their team if their team were called "Buccaneers", they would "win that damn Superbowl by a 21 spread."

Now, Boredom Incarnate shares with the haplessly led-in audience that the "game" has a "twist." Every team will predict whether the other team will complete their stunts (not finish stunting their careers -- that's a given.) Every successful prediction earns money for the pot (and yes, they all toke. Bling Bling!)

So, the Human Torch and Man-I'm-Not-Too-Attractive-Without-Seven-Hours-Of-Makeup go to do some walking on "hot lava." Now, this show takes place in some African country called Hawaii. Never having known apartheid personally, I looked up "hot lava" in the dictionary and this is what I found:

hot lava (hot la'va), intj. - The process by which the public is deceived into perceiving danger which does not exist. see also roasted chicken.

Hmmm. Interesting. Unfortunately, I missed the "stunt" because my dictionary was inside my TV, and I had to unplug it before I could take it apart. I can only deduce that the stunt was delicious and nutritious.

Next, the Mole and Wil Wheaton have to jump off a cliff into a big lagoon. William Golding, eat your heart out! Unfortunately, Piggy does not splatter on the rocks, and now Ex-Mousketeer has jumped, and the Mole has not. There is some very suspicious behavior at this point by me as I continue to watch the show.

Next (or previously, it's all a blur..) Seven-O-Clock-Shadow and Out-To-Pasture have to get into a plane piloted by Lucille Ball and towerate cwaazy stunts while CLEANING A PANEL!! I'm talking a panel with DIRT ON IT!!! Boy, their agents must have signed some liberal waivers! Here's how it went:

My-Brothers-Are-More-Successful-Than-Me: "Woo Hoo!" "Woo!" <wipe, wipe>

Continuously Refreshing Status Update: "MISSION SUCCESSFUL!"

Audience: "zzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

I-Know-My-Buzzcut-Will-Get-Me-A-Fortysomething-Part: "I woulda done it too, if only it weren't so darn windy."

Audience: "Hooray!"

So, with the gang all together again, They are forced to sing Aud Lang Syne once for every dollar they have added to the pot. They sing it four hundred and seventy nine thousand times. That feisty Little Orphan Annie leads the pack in the key of E-flat-minor-hoarse.

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