Ladies and Jentlemen, welcome to the jengle, where intellijence is a rare, fragile commodity, but delusion is cheaper than salt.
Before we head into this freakish wasteland, I would like to address two issues. This is my first summary, I’ve got one joke here, and I am beating it to a pulp, so if you are going to be rude about it, do so behind my back. In connection with my one-joke wonder, I have stolen shamelessly borrowed Jen-isms from here and other forums. I truly appreciate the wit of others. Now, on with the show.
Prior to entering a fresh hell, we have some old hell to endure – Recaps! Carol and Amber were nominated. Jen cried, for real, about her picture, and everyone decided she was jenerally irritating. Carol was evicted by a 10 to 1 vote, with Jenereal Disease the lone dissent. Jen then won HoH by virtue of being even stupider than the other houseguests (although I am sure she attributes her win to her Jensa membership). Finally, AmERICa’s player will have to *try* to get someone nominated. But who? Stay tuned.
What? More recaps? And Dante thought there were only 7 circles of hell. Amber thinks God put Amber on the chopping block to make her a stronger person. I think God put Amber on the block to make me use up my Xanax prescription quicker than I can get it refilled. Dique wants a final three of himself, Daniele, and Amber – Is Amber the only girl there who will let Dique touch her? She is a self-described sex-fiend.
Now we revisit the infamous Tea-Pot DomeDoor Scandal. Daniele doesn’t believe the cup holds only 9 gallons. Oh. My. Gosh. These people do not get it. There is a huge freaking hole in the side of the cup! I guessed 20 gallons and I haven’t even seen the thing up close! Kail interviews she is glad Jen won, while Joe is tired of people winning because of stupidity. I suppose he would rather people win by spreading false rumours and telling tales out of school.
Dique interviews that he believes either he and Daniele, or Nick and Daniele will be nominated. Every time I see Nick, I think of Tom Cullen from “The Stand.” “M-O-O-N! That spells Nick!” Jeneration Y does God hate me tells Dique she is not planning on putting him up.
We get to see the I/You drinking game. The boys have drawn Jenspiration from a certain someone’s self-obsession. Every time she says “I,” one of the lads has to drink. They quickly stop before medics are called in to pump their stomachs. Dustin notes that Jen “is the most oblivious thing walking in the house.”
Jeneration Y are you HoH invites the others to see her room. Dique isn’t going up unless she drowns in the tub. Her room is designed in, um, penitentiary style? Maybe she loves the Wentworth as much as we do? With luck, TPTB are just messing with her. And, after we get to look at her pictures, I guess they are. There are pictures of her brothers, dad, and stepmom. None of her friends or kids (I didn’t think/know that she had kids?) and she “expected more recent” pictures, not photos that are two years old. She is (get this) “really upset” about all the pictures and wants to take them down. She probably started crying again, but my eyes were rolling too hard for me to be sure. She did take one picture down because she wasn’t wearing any makeup in the photo. At this point, I quit with the glass and brought the bottle of wine up to my room.
Joe wanted two seconds with Jen to tell her to nominate the “evil three.” Dique, Jessica, and Dustin? I’m not sure, but I do know she can nominate only two people. Jen interviews that she doesn’t trust Joe. See, ladies and gentlemen, signs of jenius.
Mmm, eye candy! Nick and Mike are lifting weights in the yard whilst Dustin and Zach provide commentary, calling them Magnus and Cragnus and being adorable. All too soon, we round the bend.
Nick and Daniele are being goofy in bed. Nick tells her “every time you smile, it is because you are thinking of me.” He then gives her the key to his luggage, which is doing double duty as the key to his heart. Fair enough, but are those locks TSA-approved?
They call her Mr. Boombastic, super Jentastic and Kail discuss the odds of D&D winning the POV. They agree that “anyone who believes Joe is an idiot.” Kail is trying to get rid of the girls in the house but Jen actually wants to dump the guys early. That is probably a good idea, as the guys seem more likeable this season. Also, Jen won’t have it rubbed in her face that they refuse to flirt with her.
Food competition! Name that Pie! Red team is all the girls and Joe and the Blue team is all the other guys. Each pie is a combination of two food items and you have to guess both items to get a point. Jameka gets “Banana and Bacon” for a point. She states that this is “not a good pie.” I love Jameka! I wish they showed more of her. Amber guesses lemon and sweet potato instead of potato and pineapple. Eric wrongly guesses spam and fig; Joe wrongly guesses anchovy and cabbage; Zach wrongly guesses pepperoni and mint. Jessica gets hot dog and strawberry (damn! I am getting hungry!) and someone on the red team gets carrot and cheese, and then salmon and blueberry. Kail guesses wrong, Nick guesses tuna and jelly beans (ugh, no longer hungry, thanks!) and Daniele has the last pie of pickles and clams, but guesses incorrectly. Blue team wins, and Red team is on slop for the week.
AmERICa’s Player is told to push for Jessica’s nomination. Eric says that he never would have thought to nominate her, but goes ahead and floats Jessica’s name by Jen. Unlike his endless sob-story to Kail, this is brief and unreasoned. Jen says she will think about it, but doesn’t want Jessica to be mad at her. I can’t blame her, that girl holds a grudge like a 7th grader whose ex-BFF borrowed $5 from her.
Jen is fussing at Nick, saying that she is having a hard time because she thought they “had something.” Nick denies having sexual intercourse (but nothing else, because he has already told us all that he hates liars) but Jen doesn’t want him to even be in Daniele’s bed. You know what should have been in her HoH gift basket? A copy of “He’s Just Not Into You.” Of course if Nick gets HoH, he is going to need a copy of “The Gift of Fear.” Jen threatens to put Nick up if the veto is used, and he gives her a big “What.Ev.Er. That is your call.”
Jen them comes into Dique’s room and starts rambling about her hair. All Jen and no Jen makes Jen a Jen Jen. Jen! Jen? Jen Jen Jen Jen Jen? Jen. Jen!*Ahem* snap out of it! So sorry, I must have wandered into a restaging of “Being Jen Malkovich.” At any rate – Dique hates her so much! He would rather put his namesake into a meat grinder than into her. He is so ticked off (my notes say PI$$ED!!! Yes, with all the exclamation points) he calls her an inconsiderate b!tch and she doesn’t even understand why he is upset.
AmERICa’s player will have to sleepwalk into someone’s room – choose wisely, America. Better yet, don’t choose at all, and let this lame attempt at interaction die.
We are nearing the end of our river of despair as it is time for the nominations. Jen says she chose her nominations to show the two picked that they should be better people and would, subsequently, have better lives. Jen says, “I (drink!) have nominated the most negative energy in the house because I (drink!) want to be happy.” Joe was the very last person drawn, leaving us with the soul-devouring holes of negativity that are . . . ##### and Daniele? Anyway, Jen, bringer of peace and light, tells them that they cause a negative awkward mood and negative sarcasm that rubs off around the house and without Daniele there will not be a rival for Nick’s attentionnegativity around the house. My eyes are rolling so hard right now that I’m changing the course of the earth’s orbit.
We end our time in hell with M-O-O-N, aka Captain Obvious, noting that Jen is just jealous of Dani, and with Dique stating that he cannot campaign against his daughter and he wants the both of them to remain in the house.
Tune in next time, for another hair-raising, eye-rolling adventure through Jen’s world.