Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska - Episode 3 Summary

'Tim, the Tool Man (Not not the guy from Home Improvement.)' By Jonnycumlately

In THIS episode, everyone talks about Blandrea behind her back, talking about the lack of chemistry between her and Puffy Lips (Kristian.) Blandrea psychobabbles something about being able to make a commitment and the armchair psychologist out there will figure out it has something to do with her poor dead fiancé, like, save your doormat-rationalizations for DR Phil, honey. ADD moment! Kristian tells us YET AGAIN, that he’s not interested in Blandrea, which is good because the dust mites under the couch still wasn’t clear on it. Wait what? HOW does Kristian feels about Blandrea? I’m an idiot (therefore, this show’s target apparent target audience) and I forgot. Apparenttly so does Kristian since he snuggles with Blandrea.

Gratioutous bathing shot! Like Fox is going to let below-freezing weather stop them from the swimwear montages. Now everyone comments on Kurt and Karen’s (who?) boring relationship. Basically they say, “Kurt and Karen, zzzzzzzzzz!” Luckily the editors have been taking lessons from Burlesque Manipulating Presentations and present us with this nugget: Kurt talks about how he’s getting close to “her” and how much “they’ve” opened up and revealed and everything. Kurt must have been talking about his sister, because Karen’s interview reveals the opposite. Hee!

Jason gives “lines to score with #172” by talking about how “genuine” (of a gold digging skank) she is. Rebekah sees Jason’s goofy dialogue and raise him with this: “The way I looked tonight, I was a woman.” As oppose to those times when has a fake beard and penis? Did she just out herself as a transsexual? Oh she’s referring to her “lady-like” red top kerchief top and low-rider That is just SO all the rage. In 1999 (you know, when Rebekah was still “27“). It works on Dynasty-deprived Jason who calls her “classy” (Oh Joan Collins would eat her alive!) They have a discussion where Jason speculates that she would never talk to him on the street because she’s a gold-digging ho. Cecile obviously read through the guide of her media-whore predecessor, The Amber Chronicles goes into Jerri’s, I mean Rebekah’s cabin for some reason. Tim whines about how Cecile is “pressuring” him to make a move on her, like let’s cry for him, Argentina. He then channels Real World 11’s Kyle by talking about how he doesn’t want to be “portrayed” as “ready”

Poor editors. They were doing so well with the Kurt/Karen contradiction, and then makes the mistake of thinking we care about what’s happening to the “Supercuts Hall of Shame” couple Sissie and Brent. Oh well. Sissie “still in “Swiss Miss” mode (smooth continuity dudes!) She talks about wanting to wait to be more intimate with Brent. Also she says something about him being a hunk. What? When did she feel THAT way. If only there were some subtle signal that she thought that way before…

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Cecile’s cabin. She finally gets Tim in bed. Awww. And she only had to lie her ass of about her “mauling” from last episode to do it. But it IS nice to see you again, Irony and Foreshadowing. Won’t you stay for coffee?
Anyway, it’s day 11 and 17 degrees (no that’s not the temperature of Rebekah’s heart.) Time to meet this week’s desperate losers who have been banished to Alaska because they’ve been deemed undatable to the other 49 states. First we meet Terry, 31, a fisherman. Doug 25, is a state trooper. Karen babbles something about him looking like Robert Downey Jr., proving (along her glazed, sleepy expression) that she’s been dipping into some of RDJ’s crack. Next is Pasty McRetarded, I mean 30 year old Tim II: Electric Boogalooser. He (giggle) is a gold-miner (“Thar’s hos in dem thar hills!”) AND senate staffer. The slacker itern who had to come up with the fake jobs really need to do better. Oh poor Kris Kristofferson. Who’d think with Blade 2 he’s be able to avoid whoring himself on FOX. Then someone whispers to me that this is our 4th new man, Bob, 44. He has that grizzled appearance that must make him a favorite in the “Kenny Rogers look-a-like (and eat-a-like)” contest. Today’s contest is skeet shooting. What is up with all the weapons of destruction being used for a romantic competetion? In the first week we had an axe-throwing contest. If this series where set in Compton, the guys would win the ladies’ hearts by performing the best drive-by shooting. And I guess a Hamptons-based version would have whoever could run over the most pedestrians with his car. Anyway, Terry wins this live action “Duck hunt” (Oh, don’t pretend like none of y’all didn’t play that video game either.) Terry picks Cecile, he puts his arm around her and she resist the urge to scream “molestation.” Karen ends up with Non-RDJ, and Tim II:EB. And in a “There IS a God!” moment, Rebekah and Sissie pick Bob and he chooses Sissie. Rebekah, for the first time in this show, has to stay away from men for a couple of hours. Oh no. THEN who will she manipulate? Tim laughs Rebekah being dissed. Sp does Cecile. Hell even though her masses of tangled hair, Sissie shares similar sentiments. I love that they’re not even pretending to feel sorry for her. Then we get the scariest shot of the episode, Rebekah stretching her limbs (Something, I’m sure she’s had practice at) in such an unnatural position, that you figure that she must not be human.

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