Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska - Episode 4 Summary

'Cold Hearted Flakes' By Jonnycumlately

Previously on Bachelorettes in Alaska, episode #3 happened.

Tonight episode, we see the ho-sicles talking with the guy in the Norther Light lodge. Cecile admits that she just wanted to get rid of Tool Tim, and chose Tim 2: Electric Bogalusa (aka Renaissance Geek Tim, based on the flowing pirate shirt he STILL insist on wearing.) Tim 2, ever the optimist just tells us that Cecile is still “detoxing.” Um Tim dear, this isn’t Bachelorettes in Alcohol Anonymous (uh-oh, I think I just gave, FOX a new idea for a series, and on the same vein, you could make a drinking game when were you chug one down every time Tim talks about Cecile “detoxing”)

Day 13. Kristian, Andrea’s “man on ice” (and you just know puffy-lipped Kristian is just praying for an early thaw) comments on how Brent and Sissie really seem to be hitting it off. Because after having it mentioned a thousand times, FOX still thinks it’s too “subtle” for us. Sissie and Brent blah, blah some more about their stupid relationship, but they say THE SAME DAMN THING WE’VE BEEN HEARING ABOUT FOR THE PAST 4 SHOWS NOW, so there’s know need to comment on it again. (although I should point out that only a few days have past, yet Sissie is already figuring out if she should but the “Property of Brent” tattoo on her left breast or right) Anyway, they say all this in interviews while snowboarding. Cecile is surprised that Rebekah actually kept Jason. Rebekah loves that Jason’s a “goofball” and that she loves people who can make her laugh. If Rebekah wants a laugh, she should just mention her “age” again. Or find someone to make her laugh by looking in the mirror because she’s ReButterface, if ya know what I mean. Jason says that Rebekah always wants to fight in the snow And Jason says “She’s not gonna win.” Ok, time to let my pretentious English-major roots show, but that statement seems like it was being used as a metaphor for their relationship, like there’s this type of Taming of the Shrew thing going on. And yet this is probably the HEALTHIEST of the “relationships” going on right now. Chew on THAT for a minute.

Cecile and Tim 2 have dinner. Tim says he’s attracted to her and likes her voice. “She could whisper in my ear and it’d be a lullaby” he actually says. Ugh. I guess I have nothing to worry about because HE’S the king of pretensions English majors (ok, more like the court jester.) Cecile, says she loved his Shakespearian sonnet. Tim asks about “what happened” last episode where Cecile acted like a drama queen and Tim 1 acted like a jerk. Oh but Cecile “doesn’t want to talk about it. So she doesn’t “talk about it.” For over three hours. Yep she doesn’t want to talk about how Tim is such a jerk and how he hurt her, oh and she’s SO “over” him, and that oh no, she ISN’T a bitter drama queen who won’t let go, nosiree bob, you won’t hear her mentioning it. In fact after all this “not talking about Tim”, she concludes with, “But I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Which she then precede to NOT talk about Tim some more. Because see, it’s totally behind her, and she doesn’t want to “bring it up again.” Tim, somehow, resisting the urge to stab CeSilly with his fork and force to go with staring goonily at her, doesn’t agree with CeSilly’s assessment that she “didn’t want to talk about it.” Why, he proclaims in an interview, that that rehashed it that overblown scenario for hours. That can’t be because we see CeSilly, NOT “talking about it.” Some more. Because she has “closure” and clearly doesn’t “feel ill will against .” It’s not like she talked about him acerbically for over three hours or anything. (it certainly feels like three hours on THIS side of the TV that’s for sure.) Then we get black and white footage of all the couples spooning, except Cecile, who’s resigned to her bed alone, just hoping that she packed extra batteries.

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Day 14. It’s 6 degrees for those who care. New fresh (oops, I mean “stale, rotting and swarming with ecoli“) meat appear to make fools of themselves in the name of “luv.” First off it’s Keith 38, who looks somewhat similar to an older version of a certain reality-TV-clown we all know and love (I think his name is Krusty or something. I dunno.) Next up is Will, 29, a teacher who wants a women who’s “independent” (Um…not on this show, bub) yet also willing to be in a partnership. CeSilly shows her loyalty by tossing Will a couple of “Phuck me” glances. Mike, 38, is a park ranger (dang these guys are older than your average romantic reality Tv-show whores, aren’t they?) Poor, Brad, 43, unfortunately doesn’t realize that he’s about 17 years too late to join the “Magnum PI moustache” trend. Anyway he gives the “standards” for his list of qualities he likes in a girl, but then adds, “she’s gotta be hot.” Hopefully she’ll be “hot” enough to burn that Village-Person facial hair right off his face. So, whatever, “pops.” This time they have to chop wood (Yay! More axe fun! Maybe Jason Vorhees will be the next “man on ice” huh?) and who ever splits the most amount of wood into a basket wins. The only noteworthy thing about this segment is that Will broke his axe midway through (I know “performance anxiety” symbolism when I see it) Keith the Clown wins. Blandrea smiles way to brightly in his direction, a subtle indicator that she wants Keith to pick her. Predictably he picks Rebekah and Blandrea gives a “barely-contained-bitterness-thinly-disguised-as-‘happy’” interview about what a “slut” (overdubbed word: “flirt”) Rebekah is. Jason thought Keith was more of a sissy kind of guy (but he says he meant a “Sissie” sort of guy, like nice cover there Jason.) Karen (who? Oh that’s right) picks Brad. Will, since he’s one of the few guys here not having a mid-life crisis, gets his pick of Blandrea (in a awful straw Cowboy hat that would even the set of Dallas wouldn’t tolerate), CeSilly and Sissie. He picks CeSilly. Odd man out Michael, picks Blandrea. But as episode two have taught us, this is all part of Sissies “strategy,” with the no-eye contact, and negative body language, and “I heart Brent” sandwich board she’s wearing. Guess which one of those things is made up BS. If you said “all of it”, congratulations, give yourself a cookie.

Ok usually I just fast forward through the commercials and don’t comment on them, but did you know that cigarettes contain bad things? I know I’m shocked too. Except not. So, whatever “the truth.com” I’m sure whatever’s in cigarettes is no deadlier then whatever’s in the upcoming Adam Sandler movie.

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