Hey, remember how “suspenseful” everything was when the Bachelorettes had a chance to pick a second man on ice in episode five? Remember the “tension” this poorly-thought out, obviously made-up-on-the-fly, last minute change caused our contestants?
Well forget all that, since the editors sure have. We begin the worst show finale ever (Shakes lets loose a cry a relief that there is finally something that ended worse than Love Cruise) with a flashback of who picked who for the 2nd (prisoner) man on ice. But since the editors decide that the 48 hours the girls spent with the men on ice would move quicker than Tim 2 Electric Bogaloser’s bedroom activities, there’s no use reiterating their names. It’s not even one minute into the show and we’re already dwindling down the number of men on ice (not counting the endless introduction.) All the women , surprisingly, pick their original men on ice instead of the guys they REJECTED BEFORE with who they spent a whooping TWO DAYS with. But nice of the host, Probst-Jism, to try a build suspense with ditties like “This is a big decision Sissie. A lot of people are wondering…Thaddeus or Brent?” Has he been watching the show? PUH-LEAZE Probst-jism! Lobotomy patients can figure that out. Now it’s time for the couples to go into lockdown (er...go into a secluded romantic cabin. Probst-jism helpfully informs our couples that this is the “last chance to talk with each other” (they become mute if get engaged?) and adds that the contestants should, “ask questions that have not been answered” (like, “What happened to the previous ‘48 hours?’” or “Which asshole did they pull those ‘reality check’ segments from?” perhaps?)
In CeSilly’s cabin, she begins blah-blahing about her “connection” with Will. Now I don’t know about you, but I think that would be the perfect time to talk about previous dates, especially one you‘re “over.” So of course CeSilly starts up AGAIN on Timgate (I surprised CeSilly hasn’t called Niteline to report on this scandal.) She says that Tim 1 couldn’t “handle” her. I believe that since Tim isn’t a strait-jacket or “special pills” or anything. We find out that CeSilly still thinks about Tim, (Oh look! A “No Freakin Sh!t moment!) and still needs to have a final conversation with him. Sigh. I think CeSilly would make even Dr Phil’s head exploded with her nonsense. Will actually says Rebekah seems to be really hitting it off with Jason. Jason turns Paula Abdul for a moment and compliments Rebekah on her “confidence.” They hang into the hot tub, and they both mention that they had they finally done it (I guess Rebekah is doing her Alexandra Bachelier impersonation.) Jason, I hope you use protection when you rub up against her “confidence.” In Kristian and Blandrea’s cabin, Kristian has this incredibly smug smirk during his interviews. But I guess he has a right to be, since he brags about the amazing feat he preformed of (gasp) making dinner. Wow, look at the romantic leaps he willing to make for his concubine. Ooh, where can I find one like him (oh yeah, at any place where they show scrambled porn.) Kristian lies that he’s starting to think about commitment, so you know those must be some serious blowjobs Blandrea is giving him. Kurt & Karen (who?). Zzzzzz! Ooops, sorry. Karen, through her vicodin haze says something about them being able to be comfortable being silent. If these two were any more “comfortable” we’d have to put mirrors over their mouths to see if they were still breathing. Hilariously Kurt and Karen both sound unsure about “what happened last night.” I guess zombie sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Brent and that neurotic, obsessive mass of fluffy over-permed hair, I mean Sissie. She’s “prayed and “prayed” for this moment, and apparently Jeebus answered this saint’s prayer when he wasn’t busy giving Grammy’s to rap stars. Whatever, Sissie, doesn’t the church have enough problems. Sissie continues her tactical assault on the women’s movement by mentioning that her problem is that she’s been “too strong” and didn’t let a man “take care of her.” Oh thank god, she realized that because Lord knows that the LAST thing a woman should do is be strong and take care of herself or anything as pointless as that right? If a she’s actually content to let a potential husband Promise-Keep her life away…whoops. Sissie stopped paying attention at “potential husband.” Brent admits he’s nervous. In an interview the woman’s libber herself speculates that she might not get a proposal. Oh don’t tease me Sissie, because that would so redeem this episode if Sissie was left without a proposal. I’d speculate that she would have a Carrie-style breakdown right there on the glacier.
Next day, Kurt laments that they only had 24 hours. Don’t worry Kurt. On this side of the screen, it felt much longer. Andrea tells us that she’s willing to move to Alaska if Kristian ask. (pause to wait for the people reading this--yes all three of you-- laughing at Andrea to collect themselves. At this point I’m sure even the elk and bears and other wildlife are guffawing at her cluelessness.)
After the women Aqua-net themselves to death and put on their wedding dresses (hmm, they’re all wearing white. Giggle) we come to the most excruciating point of our “Alaskan adventure”: The finale proposal point. First up is…wait there’s nobody there (so of course I’m talking about Karen.) Probst-Jism gives flashback commentary of Karen’s “epic” romance with Kurt. To our regret, Probst-Jism proves to be a graduate from hyperbole high with his overdramatic sentiments regarding the women’s love lives. It really starts to get thick when Probst-Jism mentions that a plane will touch down and if it doesn’t then the Bachelorette will “go home…alone!” Oh yeah that’s right, I forgot that this is their LAST CHANCE FOR MARRIAGE and all. Oh and just standing around waiting for a man to come whisk you away with the promise of marriage? Way to work that “empowerment” angle, FOX! Anyway, we get some “De plane, boss, de plane” scenes of said plane landing, that (I swear) take like seven whole minutes! Wow, I now see why the time with the second men on ice had to be edited to nil if it meant exciting, exhilarating footage like this could be shown in it’s entirety. Or is this that “suspense” thing again? Anyway no one is on the plane for Karen. Oh no! Now she has to go an live her empty meaningless lonely life forever ( according to the theatrical speechifying this show)! A video message reveals that Kurt liked Karen, but not enough to marry her after 21 DAYS and all.
By the way, The new Halloween movie looks like it’s doing a parody of reality shows, like come back to 2000 when people might have cared about that. Besides whatever is in that movie couldn’t be any scarier than the womens’ attitudes in Bachelorettes in Alaska. Or the idea of Geraldo Rivera and Bill O’Reily working together (shudder!)