Hi folks. I decided to be your summary writer for FOX’s latest embarrassment, Bachelorettes in Alaska. I would have written this sooner, but this is Finals week and I had to spend my time worrying about Daisy Buchanan (although it looked like ol’ Daisy is now calling herself “Rebekah.”) So before we relive episode two, let’s recap what happened in the premiere:
5 Desperate bimbos somehow alienated the eligible dating pool of the lower 48 states. So, they thought, what a perfect time to examine Alaska’s fine selection of tanning-challenged losers. The women chose five pathetic, lonely men saving them a trip to their regular adult-bookstore hangout. Then 4 new losers show up to compete in an ax-throwing contest (Every girl wants a man who’s good with knives right? Did OJ design this competition?) Here we find out about the finger FOX is giving to 100 years of feminism, with the dowry system. Every gal had a date except bitter Cecile. Basically Every man wanted Rebekah, No one wanted Cecile, Sissy fell of her bike with Brent, and Andrea and Karen were non-entities. And now for our feature presentation:
Opening. Explanation of the show and their Survivor-esque buzzwords, yatta, yatta, yatta. Then previously. Awww. I miss X-treme Charlie Brown (Thaddeus) and his day-glo sensibilities. Finally we get things under way. Cue stock footage of Alaskan night. Rebleccha realizing that there isn’t any other man to leech on to yet, is forced to flirt with her choice this week, Jack. In interview she says that she was surprised that all the men wanted her at Proposal Point. Whatever, “Becky” like you shine your high beams in Halogen mode when you were flirting. She notes that she this week’s plaything…er…Jack because he wrote got down on his knees, and Reboinka is relieved that for once she doesn’t have to do it (wow, this show really IS about Role-reversal, eh.) We hear the Jack’s poem: The Director’s Cut (It’s not important. Like Jack) and Rebanka, in an ADD-sensitive interview, reiterates the show’s premise AGAIN for those who haven’t paid attention in the past 4 minutes (re: everyone, including this show’s editor) where she talks about how excited she is to get money added to her dowry. So see, all you Rebucka-haters! She’s no trashy girl. She one of those fancy high-class escorts and don’t you forget it!
Next day: All the girls are ready to go, except Rebekah who needs time to put an entire Macy’s cosmetic counter on her face. Cecile gets feed-up and decided to get Rebrakah a piece of her mind. After some blah-blahing it segues to Cecile lying “Nobody hates you.” The Devil in Blue (un)Dress is of course upset. I mean someone, hate her? Has the world gone Topsy-Turvy? They finally leave and travel by dogsled (Insert requisite “b.itch” joke here.) nothing noteworthy here, except Kristian and his puffy Angelina Jolie lips telling us he’s having trouble communicating with Blandrea. Also, a “comedy” moment happens when Kris and Blandrea tumble from their sled. Misleading edit has Rebekah laughing so she must be thinking about the crash. Or her rich future husband dying. Or starving children. Or something equally as funny to her.
I’m surprised when the wallpaper starts talking and…oh wait, that’s just Karen. Hi Karen! She’s dating younger man Kurt. But Fox doesn’t really care about her, so cut to ReBraga commenting on it, but SHE’s not “secretive” about her age because SHE’S only 27 (Damn, I think the editor cut her off before she can finish, “…for the 7th time, wink, wink”) Now it’s Sissie’s turn to be interviewed about Brent, but is there REALLY anything we need to know about them besides their awful hair? God DAMN, this ride is taking forever, made worse by the use of slow motion and “Now That’s What I Call A Montage” FauxEnya soundtrack.
At the main cabin, Blandrea pretends she still has power over here man, like give it up, FOX. There’s more “female empowerment” in an episode of Donna Reed. Cecile complains that her Man on Ice, Tim is moving too slow. Wait a minute someone is knocking on the door. Let me check it out. Oh it was just Irony and Foreshadowing stopping by. Another ReBrakah shot, by the way.