Survivor: The Amazon - Episode 9 Summary

'Big Mouths' By anotherkim

Two seasons ago, I managed to get a hold of Mark Burnett’s editing notes…lo and behold, they were delivered to me this time by my “source”...his uncle is a cameraman named Chilly or something like that.

MB notebook: I cannot believe these morons got rid of Dave..he was hot and smart. Now I am stuck with Butch (there's a Butch on this season?...check tapes), Matthew (how the HELL did THIS one get through the screener…fire someone), Alex (hmmm, he just looks dirty…we need to get them in the water more) and Rob (note to staff...NO more Robs, Robbs or Roberts!)

Back in camp, Dave is gone. In case you didn’t notice, this troubled me. I cursed several Survivors, mainly manly Heena and then settled in to watch the show…unfortunately, my kids weren’t interested, so I missed most of the jabber back in camp. We all know it wasn’t important anyway, I won’t worry too much about that (at this point, what can I hurt here, eh?).

The first big event is TREE MAIL!
MB Notebook: Well, let’s give them something to blow and see if ANYTHING interesting can happen. Am desperate at this point…the naked pole girls were sort of an unexpected climax.

ADVERTISEMENT

Woohoo!!! Spear guns, bows and blow guns… Little did MB know that Heidi would make it even better:

Heidi: Do I need to like totally put my mouth around it?

MB Notebook: Thank you Heidi. Thank you, God...now be sure to have lots of close ups of her mouth. Please let her win.

You know that Rob must have been in some sort of puberty-esque heaven watching Stick and Twigs do their thing with the blow gun. Let’s take a minute to laugh at Rob and his total lack of muscle tone. No wonder he hated Dave...Dave had no man boobs and knew better than to wear an Aunt Jemima head wrap.

The survivors decide they should practice. It comes as no shock to anyone watching or playing that Matthew is a master of weaponry.

Mathew has become a puppet of Rob (you can guess how Rob makes his mouth move). Matthew thinks that perhaps he should throw the challenge in order to lower his profile and stay OTR.

Rob: Every morning I give Matt a debriefing of wild goose chases I want him to work on for the day just to keep his mind busy so he doesn't have a chance to figure out what's really going on.

Matthew seems to think that he is "the man"

Matthew: I am Butch's link to what's happening. I told him I will decide when we speak and I will initiate all communication. I am his lifeline out here.

Poor Butch.

MB Notebook: Check with legal.....how liable are we if Mathew kills someone? Maims someone? What are the ratings implications?

Enough with the practice...Off to the challenge!

The premise is simple. Three rounds; winners advance…a nice change from some of the challenges that require a master’s degree to understand and remember. Good thing for some of these contestants because, well, they just aren’t too bright, are they?

The prize—a coffee bar (just what everyone needs in the Amazonian jungle..coffee) that at least looks like they spent some money and thought slapping it together.

There are no real surprises in this round other than the level of Heidi’s suckiness (no pun intended). She is unbelievably untalented at things that requires blowing and/or aim. Her first attempt completely falls short of the target…even Rob and Jenna hit the target. They try to be polite, but you can hear the laughter as the PE teacher falls with a thud.

MB Notebook: She’s got boobs and she’ll strip. I don’t give a damn if she can’t throw, but wtf didn’t we make the blow gun challenge three out of five or something? Ratings, people!

Mateo and Alex make it to the final round and we all assume Mateo misses the target on purpose, but who really knows what goes on in the mind of a psycho.

Ales wins and he get so to pick someone for the coffee bar reward. He chooses.............

MB Notebook: Dammit, two men in the finals of the reward challenge? How did THAT happen? I want sex. I want flirtation. I want skin…why do they ALWAYS pick the runner up to go with them for this crap?

Jenna?!?!

So much for strategy and keeping all peeps equal. Alex thinks with his crotch and makes no bones about it.

MB Notebook: Why didn’t we have this be a topless bar?? Note to production team for next season.

So Alex and Jenna go off to the traditional Amazonian coffee bar whilst the remaining Survivors return to Jacrap and begin their Machiavellian (hey, that is in spell check on MS WORD..wooohooo) plotting to oust someone.

Let us now ponder Heena because this is where she basically slits her own throat. Word to all potential Survivors…NEVER let them see your confidence. Never, ever, ever (let's say that together class). Makes you wonder how Heena ever won a case in court because she shows her hand before the cards are even arranged in her hand. We can only hope that she isn’t as cocky in camp as she appeared in her confessionals (as if).

MB Notebook: Gawd, I hate her. Make her look like a b*itch. She should have taken off her clothes or made a pass at someone…then we could have portrayed her story arc as the spurned older lover a la Mrs. Robinson…now all we have is chubby, sort of masculine Amozonian power freak. Who screens these people?

Heena turns on Alex as soon as he is out of earshot:

Heena: Alex clearly came out as a dominant individual, and that frightened me.

Gee, Heena, how dare they play the game to win? They must not have read the HeenaRules. Honestly, all across America and Canada, people are fighting the urge to throw something at the screen. Plus, I think your scary man face is frightening small children everywhere, in case you care.

Heena begins to maneuver and plot against Alex who is meanwhile sneaking cookies basck for her ungrateful soul. He and jenna drink waaaaay too much coffee (how do they keep from throwing up all that coffee on empty stomachs?) and come back looking like Radar’s rat that Charles Winchester doped up in that classic episode of M*A*S*H. Wired. Nearly bumpinginto trees and with maniacal grins plastered across their faces.

Since Matthew and Butch are out trying to get food for the others, Rob thinks that the most considerate way to pay them back is to steal their cookies. You know, there have been some low moves on Survivor, but stealing cookies??? What a way to make yourself a part of Survivor lore.

MB Notebook: WTF? Why is the fat boy getting cookies? Uuuughhh!

Good sense prevails and when Butch and Matthew return, there is high drama in the camp! Why??!!! Because Butch was bitten by a deadly piranha! Will he live? Can he continue? Does he die on the spot? Duh, of course not.... It’s only a flesh wound (insert picture of the knight from The Holy Grail here --->).

MB Notebook: For the love of God, man, bleed! I need ratings. I need medivac. I need drama…call it Piranha Attack on the website and maybe we can fool someone (I swear they did htis check for yourself...attack of a dead pirahana...oooh, scare me).

But this is primetime CBS TV, so we all know that Butch isn’t going to die. He is manly and all and just accepts it and moves on. Rob would have fainted, FYI.

Meanwhile, Heena continues to scheme. Not only should you NOT reveal your plan to oust a member of your own alliance til the others are gone, you should NOT continue to babble on and on and on and on about axing the member. Silence can truly be golden. And don't go rambling on about your back up plan having a back up plan either. Oy!

Heidi shows that she can keep a secret as well as she can throw a spear, but really, who can blame her? She runs to tell Jenna as soon as she can and within minutes, Heena is toast. MB can pretend to play it out all he wants, but from the moment Heidi blabs, there is no doubt who is gone. Heena committed the cardinal sin of Survivor playing: she didn’t play with integrity (lmao…that is the stupidest rule ever, IMO).

During the night yet another violent medical emergency takes place: Heidi is bitten by a bug! Or a spider!! Eeeeek! It does allow Rob to be as crass and middle schoolish as ever though:

Rob: Her knee was the size of one of her breasts(complete with hand gestures).

Nice analogy, Rob…but without all the stretch marks and scars.

When tree mail arrives for the gross food challenge, they are all ready for the task. It is quite incredible to think of all the subplots that are cooking in the minds of the Survivors, actually. For once there is at least some diversity of thought.

Heena: My ass really had to have been on the line today for me to have eaten that grotesque thing. Everybody is still with me. Why even try? (honest to God quote)
Rob: Women like men who eat weird things, don’t they?
Alex: Heena, you are a b*tch.
Jenna: How many calories are in those things?
Heidi: I can’t believe I am soooo retarded.
Christy: Wonder if I will have to talk at all this episode?
Butch: One of THESE suckers tries to bite me and I’ll show them.
Matthew: DINNER!

You know the old saying: It ain’t Survivor ‘til someone pukes?? Well....

First round: Amazonian grasshoppers…they weigh more than Rob’s brain. Heidi and Jenna don’t make the cut..

Second round: Ten live coconut worms.
By this time, we are tired of it. Can’t they do something that takes less time?????

Christy pukes… great. It isn’t any prettier than it ever is.

MB Notebook: Let those spoilers vidcap THIS

Third round: Five live beetles. Make it stop. We all know who is going to win for heaven's sake!

Final round: some oookey larvae from a tree trunk. Matthew wins. (gee, what a surprise) I will quote Moonbaby here, cause she said it so well: Matt was at his creepy Lecturesque best when he swallowed that thing whole and made the crawly gesture down his abdomen.

MB Notebook: Damn, we should have had them eat a snake.

So Matthew has the immunity necklace which I am sure made Heena happy…now she can get rid of the Evil Alex. On the way back to Jacrap, she begins to try to work her persuasive magic on Jenna. Bad move. Jenna is “hurt” and “will never forgive her”…uh, hello, welcome to middle school.

Rob gives us some insight 'cause he's wise to the ways of Survivor and all:

Rob: The person who least expects it will be going tonight (Kimmm’s paraphrase)

MB Notebook: I don’t even care…just tell them who won for chrissakes. Enough of this crap

So, off to the Tribal Council pavilion…they must spend about half their budget on this construction alone.

Jiffy welcomes them and then brings in the jury. It is a little anti-climactic when a one-person jury comes in, but it is Dave, so that makes it all good. (Kimmm's mind...Please let him be shirtless…please let him be shirtless…please let him be shirtless…damn. he's wearing a shirt..sleeeveless, so that's a plus.) He cleans up well.

MB Notebook: Okay, tell them to wear their bathing suits or lingerie to TC from now on. We need SOMETHING interesting around here.

Then the questioning begins. Honestly I remember nothing of it other than the best. TC. question. ever.

Heidi: My biggest assets to the tribe are my athletic skills and my intelligence and hello, I've lost one of them.
Jiffy: Which one? (read left or right?).

MB Notebook: And they thought Erin and Sarah were dumb as planks…hahahaha.

The vote begins.

In a not-so-shocking turn of events, Heena gets the boot. Alex has votes, but Heena is GONE, GONE, GONE.

MB Notebook: OMH!! Scratch the bathing suit and lingerie requirement. Can we get any tribal robes?

Heena is shocked and chalks it all up to her being a threat to the game…yeah, Heena. Whatever.

Page Index: 1

Discuss This Summary