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The Apprentice 5 - Episode 3 Summary

'Please Don't Squeeze The Charmaine' By newsomewayne
Original Airdate: March 13, 2006

Last week, on The Apprentice:

Two teams comprised of 17 induhviduals who have no desire to work for or even with one another attempt to complete another poorly explained, poorly planned, and even more poorly executed marketing task in the hopes of currying the favor of The Donald.

This time the two teams are forced to convince people to text message Gillette about a new razor called “Screw you, Schick. Let’s see you stick six blades on a ¼” head.” Other than a $0.50 charge to their cell phone bill, I have no idea what those who called got out of this.

Bowled Crush Corp. won because they got an early start, were able to find people with nothing else to do, and young project manager Lee promised his team he would brush his teeth, go to bed early, and not request a bedtime story all without being asked if his team won.

Kenny G Corp. proved they suck as much as their namesake’s music by setting up where noone would listen to them. No, not The Boardroom, but Times Square. Oh, and Brent danced in a bathrobe. *shudder*

In the end, Pepi was an ineffectual leader and Stacy was the latest in a long line of New Yorkers to not understand traffic patterns in.New.York.City. Read all the details by ARNutz here.

Which brings us to...

The Apprentice 5: Episode 3 – Please Don’t Squeeze The Charmaine

So, back at the suite we see Brent and Michael return. Tears of joy stream down Andrea’s face as she is overjoyed her fears were proven wrong and Brent did indeed return. I think there’s some chemistry between those two. Trust me.

Meanwhile, Brent is hungry. Afterall, it’s at least a 100 ft walk from the elevator to the suite, and the elevator didn’t even have a snack machine.

“Whoever heard of an elevator without a snack machine,” Brent muses. “When I’m the Apprentice, I swear there’ll be a hot dog stand in every garage and a snack machine in every elevator.”

And finally, after waiting through two episodes, Brent reveals his own miracle diet he claims in his bio helped him lose over a 100 lbs. It’s easy. All you do is put butter on every piece of food you see and eat it. When you find something that doesn’t go good with butter, stop eating for the day. It’s called the Better Butter Diet(copyright pending). After all, everything’s better with butter, right? Better taste, better living, better have a defibrillator available at all times. Eat your Subway-lovin’ heart out, Jared.

Before we’re given the next task, we learn from Lee that it is the Jewish New Year. As I’m away from a reference and out of respect for my Jewish friends here, I will not attempt to remember or spell/butcher the name of this holiday. So, Dan and Lee will not be participating in the next task to observe the holiday at the nearby synagogue.

Lenny is livid. “Is ridiculous. If this were Eesrali army they no get day off. Why here? If we lose, they should both be fired.” He thinks they’re using this as an excuse to not work. I, on the other hand, am grabbing my calendar to see how many religions I’d have to convert to during the year to maximize my holiday potential.. Does anyone know when the Hindu holidays are? Are they too close to Christmas?

Trump brings the non-Jewish applicants and Lenny to the 87th floor of Trump World Tower. Are they there to meet with their next clients? No. Are they there to be able to see across the New York skyline to where their next task is located? No. Are we there only so Donald can show off that he owns an 87 story building in Manhatten? You better believe it.

This week teams are instructed to host a retreat for Chevrolet dealership owners, featuring the new 2007 Chevrolet Tahoe. Carolyn and Bill will be observing the teams. In an attempt to bring up the Jewish demographic, Donald explains George, also, is observing the Jewish new year. Take that, Lenny. In actuality, Donald’s just making sure he can keep an eye on Bill. He saw those looks Bill and Ivanka exchanged at the last boardroom. If anyone’s going to be hitting on Ivanka, it’s gonna be Donald. Just ask his friends at The View.

It’s now time for Donald’s sage business advice clue to who wins this week’s task. His advice? Always be flexible and have a Plan B. But as we’ll see, anyone not named Theresa knows this means you have to have a plan A.

So, let’s plan. Or not. But if we fail to plan, don’t we plan to fail. And, if in fact, we have planned to fail and do so, haven’t we succeeded? To answer this, we’ll check in with Cold Mush Corp. where Theresa is busy handing out tasks.

First assignment is for theme and creativity which goes to Tarek. Yes, that’s right. Creativity – Tarek. Yaaayyyy! Empty blue bags for everybody! Theresa shows she’s open to the input of others by asking insightful questions like, “What did you just grab? Give it back. What was that? I need that.” and “Did you bring any mascara?”

Theresa’s ideas for events include a chip and putt golf course, horse and buggy rides, a comedian, models, and an open bar. What does any of this have to do with a Chevy Tahoe? Absolutely nothing. Tarek tries to get everyone to think of a theme to tie all this together but Theresa cuts him off quick. Unfortunately only Tarek doesn’t see she’s already chosen a theme. From the events and the main subject, it’s obvious she’s decided to go with truth in advertising by using the theme, Elegant Crap. Lenny, sweet Lenny, gives us a summary of the session in confessional, “I wish her brains bigger than her boobs.”

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