Previously served on The Bachelorette: 25 varieties of appetizers (whors d’oeuvres, if you will) sticky dates in the group du jour four hometown buffets a 24/7 open bar and plenty of sour grapes
Tonight’s menu consists of a three-course meal followed by a simple dessert.
First course: Mutton or “Sheepish in Seattle”
Theme Drink: Dessert Coffee Add 1 T. chocolate syrup and 2T. Kahlua to your favorite cup of joe. It’s good and it will make this summary funnier.
Trista’s first overnight date is with Ryan, the resident poet. In honor of the event, Trista invents an alliterative recipe for True Love: butterflies brewed in the belly. I think this is a delicacy in Brazil and is preferred 5:1 over caterpillars cooked in a colon.
Trista arrives in Seattle, and she and Ryan are whisked to a pretty cool houseboat. They forgo food to enjoy some time in the hot tub. As they parboil, Ryan rehashes the most recent rose ceremony. He tells Trista that he was high on her, Greg was high on cocaine, Russ was high on himself and Charlie was high on his hair gel fumes. This has such a positive effect on Trista that she decides to help Ryan become a man. A glassy-eyed, drooling Ryan tells us, “Seeing Trista in the hot tub is actually kind of hard. It’s almost, kind of, uh, just a weird feeling . . . There’s so many things you kind of have to fight. And sometimes if we’re kissing or if she kisses me or something, that makes it even harder.” Sniff . . . Our little poet is growing up.
Trista and Ryan leave the hot tub for a romantic dinner atop the Space Needle. As the camera pans up the edifice, we all wonder if the symbolism can be any more obvious. We also wonder if we’ll need a truckload of Starbucks to stay awake during the rest of the date.
Dinner conversation revolves around Ryan’s view of engagement. Since engagement is essentially marriage, why not just get married? Ryan, you are such a guy. Apparently no one has ever explained to you the complex science of wedding planning. There is the dress to buy, invitations to order and mail, menu to plan, venue and band to book, etc. And you will need a minimum of six months to write an acceptable poem. Oh, and Ryan, poetry requires neither rhyming nor cheesy references to heaven.
While Ryan is finishing off the hot fudge sundae (save some of that for later, Tiger), Trista opens a mysterious card that she finds in her purse. It reads “Trista, don’t let that grubby Dr. Seuss wannabe touch you. You are mine. Love, Russ.” Trista cringes in embarrassment and digs out the other mysterious card. Enclosed are a key and an invitation to spend the night together without cameras, or at least without ABC’s cameras. They can bring their own.
Ryan expresses his eagerness to be alone with Trista to everybody. “Hey, waiter! Check please! I’m not kidding!” “Hey, elevator guy! Let’s rush this thing to the ground floor! I’m not kidding!” “Hey, chauffer! Drive as fast as you can! I’ll pay for the ticket! I’m not kidding!” He also made some comment about not being able to get out, but I so don’t want to go there.
The date ends, or at least the voyeuristic part of the date ends, with some blather about being the luckiest guy in the world. Ryan also says that he is submerged in love. I want to say “Oh, how romantic,” but since this is Mr. Girlishly Sensitive (and I’m getting hungry), I just picture Ryan on a fork being dipped in a huge pot of melted cheese.
The final shot is the hotel room door being closed with a sign on the knob: Leave Me Alone. Two questions: Where can I get some of those signs? and Will Ryan rate as a Star Buck or as a Micro Soft?