Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young bachelorette…searching for the man of her dreams…and 25 man-whores trying to prove they’re the one…and one summary writer, cringing at the grammatical construction of that sentence. Tonight, the tables have been turned! Turned!! The roles have been reversed! For the first time in television history, a woman will be calling the shots! (Apparently, ABC thinks television history started with the first edition of The Bachelor, but that’s neither here nor there.) Tonight, Trista Rehn, America’s first Bachelorette, will be introduced to 25 handsome bachelors, in the hopes that one of them will become her husband. There’s bound to be trouble. Egos will be shattered. (Promise?) Will she find true love? Will she propose? Will he say yes? Will any of the men step up to the plate to fill the crazy stalker role for our entertainment pleasure? Is Tiffany’s really all that? And will my internet connection ever come back up so I can post this summary? Find out on: The Bachelorette!
Host Chris Harrison shows up and introduces us, again, to the concept of this show - one woman, 25 guys, yadda yadda yadda, we get it already, okay? We haven’t been living in caves.
Chris: When Trista got dumped on the first Bachelor, we got thousands of calls, letters, emails, IMs, telegraphs, morse code, carrier pigeons, smoke signals, and telepathic messages from men across the country who wanted a shot with Trista. Now granted, you usually don’t hear of men lining up to get married, but these guys are all here because of their romantic feelings for Trista, and each of them hoping they’ll be the last one standing, and Trista will become their wife. (Yikes, again with the grammar issues. ABC should maybe hire some copy editors or something. It’s not like this is a difficult concept.)
Okay, before we go any further, let’s get one thing straight. As much as ABC would like you to believe it, these men are not in fact “lining up to get married.” Check out some of their biographies if you don’t believe me. There is one reason, and one reason only why they are all here (well, aside from general media-whoreishness, which is always a given on these shows). For those of you who missed the first edition of The Bachelor, Trista told Alex, and the entire world, something she’d never told anyone before - that she’d never had an orgasm during sex. Every one of these 25 guys thinks, no, knows, that he is the one who can rock Trista’s world. She is a conquest, plain and simple.
Anyway, back to the show, where we are treated to a flashback of Trista getting dumped by Alex, and can someone please explain to me how on earth Alex managed to convince anyone that he was such an amazing catch? He is so unbelievably skeevy. Yeecsh. Go away, Alex, and don’t ever come back.
Then we see a montage of Trista doing various things to convince us of her supreme wonderfulness. There she is in a bikini! There she is walking around! There she is working with kids! She went to college and graduate school! Here’s a picture of her with brown hair and glasses! She’s so much more than a beautiful blonde with a great body!
Please. Do they really think any of these guys gives a flying f*uck about Trista’s mind? I would love to see the looks on their faces if Trista had gained 80 pounds since they saw her on TV.
Chris brings Trista into her new bachelorette pad, a mansion in what appears to be the Hollywood Hills. It’s filled with candles. Because candles are romantic! Except if that were my house, I’d be having conniptions right now because not only do I have a major fire phobia, but I’m also really clumsy, and it would be about five seconds before I knocked one of those things on the floor and burned the place down. Thankfully for ABC, and especially the viewing public, I am not The Bachelorette.