OK, I am going to be completely honest. This show blows. It’s not Surreal Life bad. It’s not The Will bad (well, at least what Estee tells me on the quality of bad), but it’s bad. I have many suggestions to improve this farce of a program, which happens to be the second best reality show this summer…featuring on her comeback tour…on the Bravo Network. Just fair warning, I will be suggesting improvements to this piece of highly addictive crap crack known as Battle of the Network Reality Stars. BTW, I’m waiting for my check from NBC for actually complimenting this show once.
Fishercat’s Rule Change #1: Organize the Teams
On the old Battles, (insert flashback clip here), they separated the reams by the network they were on. That would be a fantastic idea. We need a CBS team, an NBC/ABC team, an “other-channel “ (FOX, UPN, WB, PAX, ESPN, OLN, RTVW, etc.) team, and a Bravo team. Now, you ask, a Bravo Team? What the hell is the point of a Bravo Team? My sick satisfaction, that’s why! Think of the potential for the teams that could have been. Not to go too far and waste summary space, but I would pay all the money I have to see a team that has Phil Gordon, Dave Foley, Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston, Dennis Rodman, Austin Scarlett, Mike Adamle (from this version of the show oddly enough), and anyone else, I mean anyone. Oh, and for gender equality? Do we really know if Austin is male or female, and Dennis Rodman did wear a wedding dress.
However, Bravo isn’t smart enough to promote their own reality show using polls with obviously biased poll choices under the assumption that people watch the network and putting their clearly inferior contestants on television, so we get stuck with the following teams.
Team ChocolateChipKimkie (to be referred through out the summary as Team Carl, in honor of the striking similarities between Theo’s last name and the last name of Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Matt Kennedy Gould: Joe Schmoe (Yes, a man who is proud of being fooled by the Spike Network. Surprisingly enough, the only contestant who uses his middle name in the intros.)
Susan Hawk: Survivor (Has a life mission to run over Richard Hatch in an 18-wheel truck. Is officially in the running for ugliest contestant who had an extreme makeover for a television show)
Dr. Will Kirby: Big Brother (Sucks up enemies in cute Nintendo video games and absorbs their mortal souls gains their powers)
Zach and Flo Chip and Kim Mcallister: The Amazing Race (They won a million dollars on the Amazing Race and they’re here competing for 10,000 dollars. Even better, they’re using the same strategy, Chip’s running the game alone carrying his supplies in his wife-shaped backpack)
Nikki McKibbinandbits: American Idol (She finished behind Justin Guarini, and she’s still the most credible American Idol contestant on the show)
Theo Vonkurnatowski: Road Rules, Real World/Road Rules challenges (about 72) (He’s the sanest of the Road Rules/Real World bunch. Just saying).
Brian Worth : Average Joe (All Your Base Are Belong To Us)
Team Can’t Swim (to be referred to throughout the summary as Team Useless)
Coral Smith: Real World, Real World/Road Rules Challenges (take the diameter around her oobies and multiply it by 8 to get the approximate number) (She has big breasts. Bigger mouth. Could be the most useless person on the RW/RR challenges to not get voted off…ever.)
Will Wikle: Big Brother (Karma Electra is really the second best everything on this show. Has the second biggest radius for any gaydar machines, and is the second best person from Big Brother named Will on this show)
Gervase Peterson: Survivor (set the precedent for the lazy minority on Survivor and is somehow riding a mediocre finish about half-a-decade ago today. People need to find his secret, some presidencies don’t last that long.)
Adam Mesh: Average Joe (Not the smartest guy either. Somehow insulted the most successful challenger in the history of the RW/RR challenges without an iota of talent AND the best physical competitor on their team. Oh, and he’s an annoying *****tard.
Evan Mariott: Joe Millionaire (He fooled 20 women into thinking he had 50 million dollars. Says a lot for the FOX casting crew).
Melissa Howard: Real World, RW/RR Challenges (about 2) (Why is she here again?)
Tina Fabulous Panas or something: Bachelor (OK, she got rejected by a guy who was playing Celebrity Poker with Jonny Fairplay and Trishelle.)
Team MiketheMizMizanin (To be known as Team Dicque for obvious reasons)
The Bradford Cohen: The Apprentice (The most pathetic competitor in the challenges on this show, lost in a joust to Jonathan, and he somehow got eliminated on The Apprentice…in a week where he earned immunity)
Richard Hatch: Survivor (Tax Evasion, Two Survivors, a radio show, network television nudist, and he had the time to come here and moon people. A good sport.)
Ryan Starr: American Idol (She lost to Nikki McKibbin AND she was on the Surreal Life. Make your own conclusion)
Mirna Hindoyan: The Amazing Race (OK, Mirna held back Charla, who was about three feet shorter than her and was voted out of this challenge earlier. That’s all you need to know)
Heidi Bressler: The Apprentice (Swapped for Charla in Week 1, wanted to sabotage Team Dicque, and then suddenly became good after giving up in the joust).
Valerie Penso: Temptation Island (Who?)
Burton Roberts: Survivor (The only person who got voted out of the same Survivor season twice, got outlasted by Lillian in a season where a contestant who didn’t win a single physical challenge won it all, oh, and lost to Jonny Fairplay).
Those are all the teams, now you see why I wanted to make different teams.
Anyway, we are told by American Gladiators reject Mike Adamle that we will have three events today. For people who have not watched the challenges before, we actually have had some amusing events. I suggest you read the prior summaries from the likes of Volsfan, Estee, and Libra. We have actually had a few decent events, like touch football and…uh…well, I lied.