The Real Gilligan's Island 2 - Episode 2 Summary

'The Skipper Always Goes Down On The First Date' By Estee

Welcome to Hour #2 of Who Wants Estee To Throw Another TV Out The Window. The phone lines are open and we're taking bets on just how far this thing's gonna fly when this extended self-torture session finally ends. Please note that the television will not necessarily be launched from ground level and pure vertical distance will not be counted into any bets. And if we suspect any insider information on the size of the television, local wind speed, chance of rolling down a slope, and so on, we're going to shut the whole thing down and deny the spoiler information ever existed because

A. Betting spoilers always come through, so where's the fun in that?
B. I'm not paying any of you off.

(sigh) Well, at least I don't have to run through a quick summary of the first episode...

What?

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Oh, come on! They were broadcast back to back! There wasn't even a real break between them! I just finished the first summary five minutes ago! It's right up there! Surely you can take a few minutes to look around and --

-- lazy, that's what you are.

Hmph. Previously on Why Sixties Fashions Will Never, Ever Come Back, fourteen people were placed in the costumes of well-known sitcom characters and transported to Playa del Carmen, where seven people discovered there were seven other people who'd shown up to the party wearing the same thing they had on, and isn't that always embarrassing? The bitter cast members swore vengeance and vowed to banish their counterparts to the mysterious 'other side of the island', which is the part with the volcano, radioactive vegetables, and access to the island of the mind transfer machine on it. However, before the war could formally begin, we had a brief skirmish over who would win the rights to the shower and who would be stuck jumping in the lagoon every other day, we lost one cast member because there's many a slip twixt husk and tendons, and a love triangle between a Gilligan, a Mary Ann, and a Professor was struck up, which isn't so much fascinating as it is nauseating, and don't even ask what the television karma gods think about this. Maybe that's why we always seem to have all that lightning flashing around Voodoo Village...

Which Skipper will be banished tonight? Will the editors once again try to cram more than one elimination into an episode? How much of the season will be given away in the end-of-episode previews? And is there any possible way to make sure a Season #3 never, ever finds its way to the screen?

Maybe if I threw everyone's televisions out the window... Roll opening credits.

Professor Tiy-E is doing what he does second-best (with first-best being 'stand there. Just stand there'): psyching out the competition. In this case, that's Skipper Charlie, and the means of demotivation is the 'I hate to see you go' dance, with accompanying lyrics. 'But you must go -- you must go...' It's a very slow, sensitive beat. You could almost dance to it. You could also be locked away in a psych ward for the rest of your life. The two might even be connected.

'You can't sing,' Skipper Charlie notes, not exactly affected by the performance, 'you can't dance, and you can't light a fire. Show me something you can do.' I have it on good authority that he's pretty handy with an electric toothbrush.

Both Skippers are wondering about the next day's competition: they've been given no clues as to what it might be, and they have no way to watch TBS' all-revealing previews until they get home. Skipper Ken and Skipper Charlie come to the same decision: since they have no way of knowing what they're up against, there's no point in worrying about it until they find out what it actually is. This is a very practical and surprisingly mature point of view, which is probably why they have to explain it to their respective casts six times each.

'I'm still here, believe me,' Skipper Charlie assures his team. 'I've nearly killed myself fourteen times. I'm not worried about a little game.' Being worried about following someone who's nearly killed himself fourteen times is something else entirely. It's the sort of statement that just begs for details, isn't it?

Sadly, no one follows up on that and we move to the next morning, where an iguana is sunning himself on the fake wreck of the Minnow, and Thurston Jim is getting a little help in dealing with his addiction withdrawal from Lovey Donna. No, not their desire to cuddle up with every woman on the island: that's still in progress and the rainbow hug with Lovey Melissa staved off the shakes for one more day. Golf. Back in the real world, Thurston Jim lives on a golf course, and he can't get a good night's sleep without hearing clubs hitting balls at some point during the day. So, inspired by the basketball court and the little-known writings of Doctor Sean (How To Have Fun With Yourself And The Alphabet, Hopeless DAW Publishing, all copies autographed to taste for the low price of promising not to write his name down), he's making a miniature golf course, with stones bound to sticks for clubs, rocks and fruit pits for balls, and holes in the ground for a natural representation of the thought processes for all Gilligans, everywhere. Lovey Donna is, as with other things in their entertainment life, taking care of the layout.

The course is on sand, the balls don't roll properly, and the first club comes apart on the second swing, which leads to all sorts of flashbacks on my part that probably could have been avoided if Ginger Angie had never shown up. But as everyone knows, golf is only fun when you can blame something other than yourself for your lousy score, and as such, the Orange Howells may have designed the greatest golf course in history. Skipper Ken's certainly having fun, sinking a putt in two strokes, which his cast insists is a preview of what'll happen later in the day. They didn't know about the double-casting from the first season, so they probably missed the on-and-off hubris, too...

Of course, there are other things happening on the island. Just for starters, there's that pesky love triangle. Skipper Charlie feels Gilligan Zac is after Mary Ann Mandy like the Coyote was after the Road Runner, and the editors quickly throw in some fast-motion shots of Gilligan Zac running around the island in search of his quarry, misplaced 'Meep-Meep!'s and all. The elusive Black-Haired DAW (Attentionous Whorus) is finally located in the Professor's hut. On Professor Andy's bed. With Professor Andy. They're sleeping together, but only for the literal definition of the word 'sleeping': both out cold, Mary Ann Mandy's head on Professor Andy's chest. Gilligan Zac decides there's plenty of room left over and spoons up against Mary Ann Mandy, with his head on Professor Andy's stomach. This causes Professor Andy to stir.

'Something's wrong,' observes the ever-attentive Professor Andy, his eyes still closed.

'Just spooning,' Gilligan Zac assures him, although there's some question as to whether he's assuring his rival that he's not spooning him, or that he intends to get around to him later.

'No, that's okay,' Professor Andy decides. 'This is the perfect love triangle.' So it's 'get around to him later' by three lengths.

In c-t, Professor Andy lets us know Gilligan Zac's told him of his flop-hatted intentions towards Mary Ann Mandy, but he's enjoying the flirtation and finds it harmless, so he's not going to tell her to stop any time soon. Besides, he has a girlfriend back home, so he's not going to let it go any further. Presumably he hasn't told Mary Ann Mandy this. What he told his former girlfriend after she watched this scene is unknown, but it was probably said in a great hurry.

Of course, this isn't the only relationship on the island. There's also Mary Ann Randi and the ants, a love affair for the ages that's just getting started over in the women's hut. It seems Mary Ann Randi left her ration bars out in the open after the wrapper had been partially removed, and the island's insect life naturally came over to investigate. This is the fault of everyone on the island. The producers, the film crew, her fellow castmates, the competing cast, the coconut husks she's been talking to at night -- everyone. Except her. Because leaving uncovered food out in the open would never attract ants unless all of those unsavory elements were there to lure them in first. (Ginger Erika feels she's starting to get the feel for Mary Ann Randi's character: e.g. none.)

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