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Wickedly Perfect - Episode 5 Summary

'The Yolk’s On You' By Bebo
Original Airdate: February 5, 2005

Before I start the summary, a little self-indulgent introduction. Hey, if Margo can hog the camera, why can’t I?

I? Am not Wickedly Perfect. Oh, well, in many ways I am, but not in the ways referred to by this show. Case in point? I forgot I had to write this summary until Vols said the word “summary” in the show thread, at which point I had this sickening feeling in my stomach that would not be soothed with ginger ale. Or bourbon. I didn’t get to watch the show live, since Station Manager Buford decided to show the NC State Wolfpack suck instead (but I guess I shouldn’t mind, since my Wahoos beat them. Yes, I know that UVa winning a basketball game is a sign of the apocalypse). I watched my tape and promptly erased it, before I realized my duty to my fellow snarkies.

The biggest reason I’m bitter about this show is because my sister would be fabulous on this show. I sit there watching their lame efforts and think about how Sissy would make them all look like idiots. (OK, look like even bigger idiots.) So while those of you who are creatively inclined play, “What Would I Do?” while watching, I play “What Would Sissy Do?”

It’s a reality show, and a play-along game. What more could people want?

Trading Spaces and Space Cadets

Darlene tells us how excited she is that she made it to the FIFTH task. I sit, puzzled, trying to figure out the significance of the FIFTH task. I guess on her planet that knowing that four people are more pathetic than you are is reward enough. She then starts to gush about her team and how they are gellin’ like a felon. Sweetie, put the lithium down, you’ve had plenty for now.

QUIZ! Darlene is very excited about her team. Which of the following will occur in this episode?
a) There will be some sort of reshuffling to separate Darlene from her teammates.
b) Her team is going to get their butts whooped in this challenge, but they’ll be unified…in voting her out.
c) Darlene’s head will implode due to excessive perkiness.

A Tisket, A Tasket, Going To Hell INN a Handbasket

The teams are loaded into vans and driven out into the woods. Oh cool, the producers are going to use my project idea. In this project, the teams are going to be left out in the woods by themselves. Teams will be judged on the most creative approach to cannibalism. Your individual project will be to commit suicide.

Aw, darn, they didn’t listen. They’re driving up to a country inn. Back to the drawing board.

Joan-Bot explains the real task, which isn’t nearly as interesting. The teams will be managing a quaint country inn, without the help of Larry, Darryl, and my other brother Darryl. They will have the morning to prepare rooms for the guests and welcome snacks. The next day, they will be responsible for preparing brunch.

But since the teams are unbalanced (numerically, not just mentally), it’s time to even up the numbers a bit. Wretched Rodents, since you are complete losers and have not been able to walk and chew gum at the same time during the past few challenges, you are now allowed to pick your…new teammate (show of hands, who thought I was going to say nose?).

QUIZ! Who did Wretched Rodents choose?
a) Kimberly, because Mitch needed someone to balance out his b!tchiness.
b) Margo, because she’ll just sit back and let everyone else do the work.
c) Dawn, because her sweet, gentle personality makes her a joy to be around.
d) Denise, because they miss having her on their team.
e) Darlene, because with her gone, the wheels will fall off of their bus faster than Joan-Bot can schedule more plastic surgery.

If you picked b or c, what show have you been watching for the past several weeks???

Darlene appears to be heartbroken to say goodbye to her team. Obviously, she worries that people may actually see how nuts she is, when she doesn’t have Margo’s control freak lunacy nearby to blind everyone. But there’s no time to mope around because there’s work, work, work to be done!

While the Martha Stewart wanna-bes (well, except the jail part of course) run around like chickens with their heads cut off, Joan-Bot explains that the guests will actually be the judges, each with their own ways of complicating the lives of our little design divas. We all know how annoying they are when they’re not even trying, but apparently, they’re going to be giving it that extra effort just for our little divas. Now I’m jealous, because I’d love to be able to torture those design DAWs. The divas would take turns staffing the front desk, and whoever was lucky enough to be on duty when a guest arrived would be responsible for putting that guest up in one of their rooms.

MessINN Around

The divas have the morning to get their three guest rooms into tip-top shape. Easier said than done, since these rooms look like no one has cleaned them since the 1700s. Frankly, I would like to know who the, ahem, genius associated with this inn was who thought that it would be a good idea for all of America to see their rooms in that horrible of a condition. Can you see their brochure now? No, really, our rooms aren’t that bad, we just trashed them to be on TV. Yeah, right. That looked like some hard won scum, not just some surface scum slapped on to depress the cameras. And those hairballs looked like Don King exploded.

Kitchen Witches

Meanwhile, the Wretched Rodents decided to make their new lackey earn her keep and put Darlene to work in the kitchen making welcome treats. Darlene ran around like a hamster on Ritalin, freaking out that her teammates put her in charge of that. Frankly my dear, I would have much rather had kitchen duty than deal with those skanky bedrooms. Wow, isn’t it funny how they sped up the tape to make it look like she was bouncing around the kitchen? Oops, sorry, that’s her “normal” speed.

Margo decides she’s going to do the cooking for the Fartypans, since she’s such a good cook. Excuse me, am I the only one who remembers the camping task? Since when does having the judges declare that the food sucked equate to being a fabulous cook? What color is the sky in your world, Margo?

Margo looks down her nose at Darlene’s running around, declaring that her slow, deliberate pace works just fine thankyouverymuch. She decides that she’s going to make a lovely chicken noodle soup to welcome her guests and plods through the kitchen to make the soup.

Come INN For Whine and Cheese

Not Sarah Jessica Parker arrives at the inn with her husband, Definitely Not Matthew Broderick, and their dog. The Wretched Rodents take them up to their room. NSJP immediately pulls out an unopened packet of sheets and informs Heather that they prefer their own sheets. Yeah, the package is a real giveaway that they’re attached to these sheets. Heather proves that while she’s been incompetent enough to face potential elimination in the Rock Garden twice, she isn’t SO stupid that she’s going to fall for this obvious pitfall and takes the sheets.

NSJP and DNMB head down to enjoy their welcome snacks. Darlene stops taking speed long enough to bring out a tray with a few of her goodies. Darlene has put together enough “light welcome snacks” for the entire state of Connecticut. NSJP decides that she wants to win the award for b!tchiest judge, but given some of the behavior demonstrated by the others, she realizes she has her work cut out for her. Luckily, she’s up to the challenge. Heather comes in and tells her that the queen-sized sheets she brought wouldn’t fit the king-sized bed, so she moved them to another room. NSJP tells them that they’d prefer the larger bed and gets them to move the stuff back. She then looks at Mitch and explains that the big lump of dark hair at their feet is called a DOG, and that this DOG needs to have some boiled vegetables. Once they’ve left to do her bidding, she complains to DNMB that there’s too much food.

You’ve heard of the Thumper rule: If you can’t say sumpin’ nice, don’t say nuttin’ at all. NSJP obviously follows the Bite Me, Thumper rule: If you can’t say sumpin’ nice, then just keep jabbering on and on and on.

Back in the kitchen, Mitch complains about how NSJP singled him out to be her lackey boy. He vows not to kiss her ass. Then he tucks his tail between his legs and starts boiling the vegetables. Obviously, he and I have different definitions of kissing ass.

Poopy Soup

Our second guest David arrives and falls under the capable hands of the Fartypans. He’s been an exceptionally difficult guest by bringing…GASP…another person! And this person is…GASP…a woman! What are the Fartypans to do? Gee, since they were required to fix up three rooms, are they really as screwed as Joan-Bot would like us to think? Yawn, this drama is about as gripping as a Simon Cowell-Paula Abdul b!tchslap fest on American Idol.

David immediately asks for a ginger ale, claiming that his stomach is upset. Frankyl, I think this is a preemptive strike – squeamishness at being forced to endure the Fartypans. David and his, ahem, friend now get to experience another one of Margo’s culinary efforts.

QUIZ! What did the guests think of Margo’s soup?
a) Loved it! After all, Margo is such a talented cook.
b) They finished it, but didn’t think that soup was a fitting welcome snack.
c) They couldn’t gag their way through it, since it was just like her previous efforts.

For those of you keeping score at home, it's Hamster on Ritalin 1, Slow & Prodding 0.

Flayed INN the Night

The Wretched Rodents are tired. Really tired. And cranky. Really cranky. What could be worse? They’ve still got another guest to greet. Even though they had been told that Bobby Flay would be appearing earlier, they seem surprised when he finally does show up. Bobby gets on my good side by asking for a bourbon when he checks in. He’s learned that the best way to deal with a Wretched Rodent is to have liquor. Plenty of liquor. The guy may be a jerk, but he’s got a brain. David should have asked for some liquor to go along with his ginger ale, and then he may have been able to stomach Margo’s soup. Eh, who am I kidding?

While Amy runs around scrounging for liquor, she leaves the front desk unmanned. Perfect timing too, since NSJP is trying to ring the front desk to whine about something. Since she’s laying in bed waiting for DNMB to get there, the complains obviously must have something to do with his lack of size or inability to perform. Whatever. She just gets irritated that the phone is ringing…and ringing…and ringing…

Darlene grabs the leftovers from earlier (whoa, there were leftovers???) and puts them on a different plate. She explains that this is how they do it in restaurants. Darlene, stop. Either they like you already, or they’re just going to continue to bleed you in their own efforts to make themselves look better. Give up the campaigning. Then all of the Wretched Rodents sit there and watch Bobby eat the food and try to soak in his wisdom. Or his liquor. Or whatever.

Meanwhile, the phone rings…and rings…and rings…

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