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The Surreal Life 4 - Episode 3 Summary

'Horses, Dwarfs and Bears.. Oh My!!' By RangeRover
Original Airdate: January 23, 2005

Well after this edition of the Surreal Life I don’t know whether to call PETA or Dr. Phil. In this episode we are treated to abuse, tears and confessions and that was just from Chyna Doll. Fortunately for us we only get 30 minutes of this –the animals were not as lucky.

We begin the day with our Pixie Perv Jane awakening the housemates. The Surreal Times has arrived and the headline says “Goodbye City Life”…… I wonder how many WON’T get the Green Acre reference.

The kids are sent to a Dude Ranch run by REAL Cowboys for some overdue bonding by the campfire. Verne particularly is distressed but then again if it isn’t about drinking and riding around naked what is it about. Well then Verne I can assure you that is what a dude ranch is all about………….. Maybe I am thinking about a NUDE ranch?

They have 15 minutes to ready up and Pixie Perv Jane decides that a cop uniform is just what one needs at a dude ranch. Yes, if the dude ranch is run by the Village People!!! Upon their arrival the REAL cowboys are waiting and are seemingly nonplussed to have a former child actor, a dwarf/midget/little person/troll, a she-male, a top model of both genders and two former recording stars in their midst.

But the girls and Chyna too seem very excited to see them in their cowboy attire. Jane probably thought - ho hum as she sees that gear at fetish balls all the time. But in her confessional, Jane does express the thought that Verne does complain a lot and most of it is not due to “size related issues.” Well, we could have said the same… oh wait, we are talking about Verne... sorry, I digress.

The Cowboys send them off to Costume for a changing into appropriate saddle wrangling gear... including child size for Verne. Shame they couldn’t have found a horse in child size as well. But Verne being the pleasant midget/troll/pain-in-the-proverbial-as@ he is, refuses all pleas to don the gear but does compromise on the hat. Thankfully all is not lost as the boys do in fact do the gratuitous nipple displays that men are still thankfully allowed to do – thanks FCC!!!

The first thing they need to do before going on the trail ride is feed the horses and then saddle them up. The celebs size up the horses and the horses do the same. I think I notice a touch of concern on Chyna’s horse (I assume it’s a gelding) as s/he riding him may well constitute animal cruelty somewhere.

Saddle up kiddies and yes you too Verne, if they hadn’t forgotten to include a miniature or even Shetland pony for him to ride. But Verne being a bigger man attempts to join them on the Trail of Tears but short of hip fissure decides to opt out and ride the trail on his scooter... well at least this time he is sober………………and clothed.

Jane expresses how impressed she is that Verne at least tried this time and Marcus says something about how difficult it must be to be a little person. I wonder if he said such sweet nothings to Pam Anderson when he dated her. Somehow I doubt it mattered as if she could understand him anyway.

Chyna confesses that she/he had never ridden a horse before unless it was in a movie or something about an alien. I am not sure if she is alluding to her real life, which explains much or is in fact talking about some movie she was in. (And the only movie I have seen of hers was well “adult” in nature and I am not sure if that is in fact the same thing.)

Along the way the kids get to wrangle some cattle. Adrienne takes it seriously and much like her babysitting style goes into hyper drive. The cattle of course have nowhere to go but back to the ranch... a place they just left only moments ago and I cannot resist feeling that is a metaphor for the Surrealer’s careers as basically it is just an exercise in futility… I know how you feel cows… I so know after 10 minutes of this.

Then the Cowboys tell them for dinner its pork and beans, which for some reason causes Chyna to emit a scream of delight (and as I have seen her adult film I did recognize that) or they can have the option of steak and lobster – if they are willing to brand a cow. Everyone – including the now sensitive DaBrat – declines the offer. Jane runs away in tears refusing to hurt any animal but Adrienne is willing to do the task as she “is not eating NO beans!” Which is odd as I thought models ate NOTHING.

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