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Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search - Episode 3 Summary

'The Tale of the Ice Queen' By Mon Cherie
Original Airdate: January 19, 2005

I must warn you that the tale to follow is not a pretty or happy one. If you seek fairy tale endings, stop reading and find your way to "The Bachelorette" forum. If you desire tales of humility, "American Idol" is your show. And if you wish for poetic justice, seek out the one called Draco for the latest summary of "The Amazing Race".

Our story begins with the six remaining maidens discussing their horrific encounter with the three-headed judge-beast. Lady Jenna is sorrowful that the judge-beast stated her pictures looked like a "pin-up girl", which she equates with pornography. My dear Jenna doesn't know that pin-ups are to pornography as the Bush twins' inaugural attire is to JLo's infamous Grammy dress. Jenna has class, however, and Queen Alicia has christened her "super super sexy".

Queen Alicia, as is her duty, weaves her own woe into Jenna's dilemma, lest we forget what a horrid life she has had. Jenna becomes the Queen's handmaid, as she finds her to be much like a gumball; hard on the outside, a bit soft after some gnawing. What our sweet Jenna does not know is that not long after the softness comes hollowness and tastelessness.

Lady Stacy recieves good news from home, as her sister has been crowned Dingleberry Queen of the MooMoo Field. Stacy is beside herself with joy, as she reveals to us that her sister is the "sophisticated one who presents herself well", while she is the "pretty one" who picks her nose at the dinner table.

The heralds arrive with the maidens' next challenge, which unfortunately does not involve any sharp objects or blood sucking leeches. However, it does involve staying power and balls, so perhaps there is hope. Alas, it is only beach volleyball. With three former Olympian champions to boot. The two Olympian Amazons pick their teams. Amazon One picks Ladies Stacy, Jenna and Queen Alicia; Amazon Two picks Ladies Betti, Krisi and Shannon. And the game is afoot, with the third Olympian, God of the Abs, as referee and eye candy.

Bouncing boobs abound as the ladies vie for the win. The first heat of the game lays heavily on Lady Stacy's fake-baked shoulders, as all she needs to do is serve the ball over the net. Cheers abound over the Land of the Beach Volleyball as Lady Stacy catapults the ball over the net, leading her team to victory.

The winning team will now challenge each other. Each lady must hold a volleyball over her head for as long as possible. The people of the Land of the Beach Volleyball pray to the God of Hygiene that the ladies have properly shaved and deodorized, lest they be cursed by the plague of underarm cooties.

The winner of this heat will recieve the Sacred Get Out of Jail Free Supermodel Pass and another to bestow upon a friend. The women begin their task, and endure 45 minutes before God of the Abs orders that now they must squat whilst holding the ball over their head. The ladies shake, moan and cry as if they were labouring a child, and Lady Stacy takes the first fall. Lady Jenna is the next, and Queen Alicia wins the Pass and a sparkly bauble as she professes her undying loyalty to her lady friends. Queen Alicia picks Krisi to be the recepient of the companion Pass, causing Jenna to question her standing with the Queen.

Once again the heralds arrive with the hint for the next Photo Challenge, called "Freeze Frame". The ladies, smart ones them all, deduce that this challenge will involve something cold, perhaps Naomi Campbell's heart. They arrive at a storage freezer, which looks like the chaps from "Queer Eye" have refurbished into an icy theme, complete with, well, ice. Queen Alicia and Krisi, keepers of the Pass, are permitted to spend their spare time in a heated tent, and choose which shoots the other ladies will take part in. Alicia bestows "Cold as Ice" upon Shannon and Stacy; "Animal Instinct" to Jenna and Betti; and "It's Raining Men" upon Krisi and herself.

Ladies Jenna and Betti are first up, and must pose with wolves. No, not Queen Alicia and her minion. Lady Jenna becomes frustrated that she cannot control the blasted animal, while Betti pleases the three-headed judge-beast with her camera love-making.

Next, Ladies Shannon and Stacy take on the task of shooting with a block of ice, which brings Al Gore to one's mind. The ice tells better jokes, however. But I digress. Lady Stacy states she is at an advantage working with the ice, as she is from a faraway place called Minnesota, where people sit around on ice blocks whilst wearing thongs for the sheer joy of it.

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