Previously on “Sluts on Film”, oops, sorry, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search…
Author’s Note: I guess I better go ahead and deal with the main issue…why would a woman watch this show, much less summarize it? I could make some “greater good” claim that I’m trying to present balanced reporting, keep this at a higher level than a simple hormone stimulator, but we all know that’s crap. The main reason that I am interested in this is because I am catty. I enjoy picking apart these airheads and mocking them. And no, it’s not because I spend all day sitting on my ass eating potato chips.
Sometimes I eat chocolate too.
I know, don’t go in with preconceived notions. Maybe these girls aren’t completely self-absorbed airheads. Maybe they can actually string together complete sentences. Maybe this show is more than just a cheesefest.
Let’s get to the show.
As the girls go back to the house, Stella and Jenna talk about how surprised they are by Nancy’s departure. Like, she had, like, the perfect body. They admit they have no clue…about what the judges are looking for in this competition.
Ack. Can I please go back to my preconceived notions now?
Meanwhile, we find out that Stacy has no confidence. She’s fragile and breaks easily, “like a piece of glass”. After all, “it’s, like a competition”.
Note to self: Keep sharp objects away while watching this dreck. Can it get any worse?
The doorbell rings. As she walks toward the door, our PhD candidate Stacy asks, “Is that the doorbell?” No Stacy, it’s the telephone. I hope for your sake there’s never a quiz as part of this competition, or you’re out of there.
It’s time for the bobbleheads to meet with Roshumba. Oh look, Betti cut her hair! Wow, the things she’ll do to make it all about her. She said she just woke up and felt like cutting it off. Future boyfriends, take note.
Roshumba slaps her palm as she says the MODELING.INDUSTRY.IS.BRUTAL. (Show of hands, who wishes she would have slapped the bobbleheads for emphasis instead?) She then introduces John Bennett, celebrity hair stylist, to makeover the bobbleheads. He offers such, ahem, insightful comments as “What the HELL have you been doing to your hair?” and “I love it! I’m not changing a thing.” Then he gets to Betti and tells her he wants to cut it all off. She’s unsure. Great, she’ll chop at her hair on a whim, but when a professional wants to touch it she freaks out? Can we say control freak?
So she gets a new hairstyle…well, actually, it’s one that was made famous by another celebrity.
She hates it. The, ahem, professional tries to bring her around by telling her the “essence of your hair is wild”. She points out that there’s never been a model with an afro in SI. He gets exasperated with her and tells her that “unless your attitude changes, it’s hard for me to work”.
You would think a professional would know better. Here’s a lesson for all of them men out there who have significant others. (You know who you are – the ones who quickly change channels when said SO walks into the room so you’re not busted watching this oglefest.) Never, EVER, accuse a woman of having a bad attitude after she’s drastically changed her hair. I don’t care how butt-ugly you make think it looks. I don’t care if she’s the first one to complain about how it looks. The only acceptable answer is “Babe, you look hot.”
Anything else, and you can change your address to 111 Couch Street.