As a new high to this seriously underperforming show we got a “highlights” recap disguised as a new episode. Well, to be totally honest it wasn’t COMPLETELY a recap episode – it was kinda like Full Metal Jacket, the first half was good but it could have ended right there and we would have been OK. I know that cq, Swami and I make up a great and riveted audience, but was the show really that great that we had to relive all incredible those moments…well, I forgot most of them so maybe THAT was the point. Anyway on to the summary, I promise there’s some new stuff in here (besides you watched the show already anyhow, so none of it is totally new any week, right).
PREVIOUSLY on Rebel Billionaire: Since Swami stole Pigs in Space last week, I’m working on B material here, but basically they had to make a commercial for the ‘average’ man who wants to drop $50K on going into space. This is less of a big deal for Shawn, who sells $500 bean bag chairs for a living. Richard tells the contestants to create 30 second adverts, which Shawn hears as per-verts, and off they go. Turns out everything that happened in the episode didn’t matter because this was the Episode where the Fates finally figured out that Ericole were still in this game and put their futures back into the hands of the other players. Bye-Bye Ericole. We won’t miss you. As a consolation, Erica, gets to go on the flight and ‘report’ to Richard on who she wants to see go home. Richard sends the Final Four – also known as the Final Two plus Gabe and Heather – into zero gravity to put the final touches on their commercial, but will Heather’s total freak session cost her team the game? Who will be left on the tarmac? Who will get to go back to Richard’s private island? Who didn’t figure out by Episode 3 that it would be Sarah and Shawn?
The “episode” opens with Heather losing the battle against her arch-enemy gravity. As Sir Isaac Newton pointed out though, gravity always wins in the end. Erica, now divested of her evil twin, shows Heather her softer side…her rear end – and tells her to kiss it goodbye. Gabe gamely goes through the doomed effort of making the commercial anyway and hopes that the albatross ties around his neck doesn’t cause him to lose. Apparently, no one told him about the foregone conclusion thingy. Finally, Heather can’t take anymore and tells everybody that they have to take the plane down because she is going to die from a zero G induced heart attack (the extra pork chops at dinner had nothing to do with it). Gabe somehow manages to keep a straight face as he asks if she wants “the whole plane to go down”. WHAT?!?! No Gabe, they are just taking down the part with the engines (duh!).
Erica reports to Richard that Heather totally blew it and ruined the commercials for everyone – adding more cement to innocent by-stander Gabe’s shoes. In a last push to see if Richard might show some of his trademark disregard for the rules, Erica tries for sympathy by letting Richard know that she was taking care of “the non-feeling good people”, demonstrating her strong compassion for her fellow man and disdain for the human language all at the same time. Richard watches Gabe and Heather’s video first. Well, he had to watch it twice since he blinked the first time and is unimpressed. The slow, fat pitch has been lobbed over the plate now for S&S to hit it out of the ballpark and justify the foregone conclusion, but their commercial sucks too even if it DOES manage to suck for a few seconds longer.
The time has come – the plane is fueled – a decision has to be made and everyone in the world who is watching this show is once again SHOCKED that I totally misread the reactions of the contestants when they open their envelopes. I mean, I don’t think I’ve gotten a single tarmac right based on those responses. Do they just tell these people to act exactly opposite to whatever the card says? I swear I’m usually much better at reading people – is it just me or are these people just screwing with my head.
Oh yeah – Shawn and Sarah won and are off to Necker; which I’m just thankful they actually put on the screen because you would have seen them heading to Necco island according to this summary – and while those are exclusive treats (you can’t find necco wafers anywhere these days), they are not an exclusive RE-treat. And a new record is set for reality television when bottle 24,601 of champagne is opened. You just can’t beat this stuff.
As we arrive at Necker Island we get a brief overview of Richard’s own private island in the British Virgin Islands. It is gorgeous of course with two lakes in the middle, a pool, a lagoon and life-size replica of the SS Minnow. Apparently, Mel Gibson is WAYYYY behind the times ‘cause Richard’s had his own island for some time now. It was where her met his wife Joan (is it just me or did she look a lot like Heather?) and built his own private playground. As Richard shows the contestants wonders of Necker Island, Shawn immediately notices Richard’s bad taste in bean bag chairs because Richard has the gall not to own a Love Sac. But, it’s OK as Shawn announces to the assembled group plus Red Barbie twins that “his are softer.” Sorry, but that’s not going to win you any points if ‘chix’ really do dig sac.
As they walk around the estate, Sarah notices the kite-surfers (eat my shorts Mary Poppins!) and Richard tells them to watch very carefully in one of the clumsiest attempts at foreshadowing I have ever seen on Reality TV. He also lets them know that it may be one of the numerous challenges that they face and that the first challenge will be to give the “speech of their lives” as to why they should win the game and the yet to be revealed prize.
Richard shows them to their rooms and Sarah gets to stay in Richard’s favorite room on the whole island (perhaps more clumsy foreshadowing?), while poor Shawn gets consigned to the servants quarters. Fortunately the Red Barbie twins get to stay with him, so Shawn feels like he’s right back in Utah.