Some of you may recognize yours truly as the reality-TV-addicted writer of the critically acclaimed series ‘Gay Survivor Journal.’ I have received a promotion of sorts (or is it a demotion?) and have been asked to write summaries for some episodes of ‘Boy Meets Boy,’ on Bravo (the ‘Gays Buy Advertising Products!’ network.) I took on this responsibility to ensure that the summaries will be fair and even-handed, and that everyone will be insulted equally (even, nay especially, My People.)
Disclaimers aside, we move on to…
Boy Meets Boy, Episode Six, “Testing James’ Gaydar” (or “The One with the Somewhat Happy Ending)”
As has become the custom, our annoyingly British host Dani informs us… “Previously on Boy Meets Boy: 15 mates competed for the chance to win James’ heart. What James and his best friend Andra didn’t know was that some of the suitors were actually straight. Taking the mates on a whirlwind of romantic adventures, James got closer to finding Mr. Right. As some of the mates sparked romance, others failed to find chemistry, and despite their behavior, appearances weren’t always what they seemed. Trusting his intuition and his best friend Andra, James narrowed the mates down to three, only to find out that one of them has been hiding his sexual identity. Last time, James went to the limits of intimacy, trying to get the straight guy to crack. This week, with only three remaining in the battle to win James’ heart, nerves shake the mates’ household, Andra makes a final accusation, and with only hours left, James must choose either Brian, Franklin, or Wes. Will James make the right choice? Find out now, on the dramatic conclusion of Boy Meets Boy.”
Wow. I could have simply watched the first two minutes of this episode, and saved 5 precious hours of my life.
The new footage for this week… as limited as it is… begins with Franklin, Wes and Brian drinking like fishes (Brian: “The lushes are retiring to the West Wing. Do you know how many bottles of Skyy Vodka we’ve gone through?”) and commandeering the camera for an embarrassing moment of flirting, dishing, and general clumsiness. Wes starts the whole thing off with the comment “Let’s go shoot!” and it all goes downhill from there. Brian, in his ironic “Don’t Waste My Time” T-shirt, asks Franklin playfully if they are going to have sex, and Wes adds “should we make out, all three of us, right now?” Then Franklin shows Wes his nipples (unfortunately, this happens off camera.) They fight like teenagers over the cam (Brian: “I’m like, girl, let me see what you look like!”) And Wes caps the whole embarrassing segment off with the statement: “screw James, it’s all about us!”
Later, as they are finally beginning to feel the effects of the vodka, Brian notes presciently: “I just hope tomorrow there isn’t like some strange twist!” (Like lambs to the slaughter, these silly gay boys are. I actually begin to feel sorry for Brian, or at least as sorry as one can feel for a boy with day-glo teeth, ocean-blue eyes, and a body to die for.)
The crawl reads, faux-ominously, “Seven hours until the final selection ceremony,” and I’m left wondering if the episode will actually be that long… or, worse… just seem like it.
Next, we are treated to the view of scrawny James in his boxers and bedhead, making breakfast. Cut to Franklin making breakfast for the Mates. (Note that Franklin is using a cube of butter in the pan, which should be a major clue to skeptics who still think he’s gay.) Franklin and Brian are nervous, and also jealous because Wes apparently got a kiss from James at his date, though Wes doesn’t really know what the kiss means. (Golly jeepers, Beaver! A kiss! Do you think we’re engaged?) Brian comments that his dates weren’t as romantic as the others were. (Could that be, chemistry-challenged Brian, because you were there?)
The crawl reads, faux-ominously, “Six hours until the final selection ceremony,” and I’m curious if we will get updates like this every hour, or will be left to flounder in our confusion over the actual time.
James and Andra show their complete cluelessness in a montage where they discuss the sexuality of the mates. They decide that Darren was straight. (Wrong! We are treated to a clip of Darren promising to stalk James after the show.) Paul, they determine, was gay. (Wrong again! Paul, in his clip, admits that the thought of being gay crossed his mind, but he was pretty sure he’s not. Pretty sure? Not too convincing, my friend! Sounds like you may be three-drink-gay.) About Jim, Andra states “of course he’s gay!” (Wrong yet again! Where did they find these gaydar-challenged people? Jim’s clip shows his dancing scene, where he apparently worried what his dad would think. We all saw your dancing, Jim, and I’d be worried about more than just your dad at this point.) Finally, they decide that Michael was honestly bisexual, though James thinks he “seemed very gay.” (James and Andra are zero-for-four at this point. Michael, in his clip, admits that he screwed it up when he accidentally mentioned his girlfriend, then back-pedaled by claiming to be bi.)
Back at the Mates’ house, Franklin sits alone and lonely, as Brian and Wes have segregated themselves from him. (Please note that they have done this instinctively, without the knowledge of the twist. This should be clue #2 for skeptics who maintain Franklin’s gayness.) Wes admits to Brian that he has feelings for James, but Brian asks the age-old question… “What if you win, and then find out you don’t like him?” Wes shrugs, but in his mind you know he’s thinking “at least I will have beaten you out, b!tch!” Meanwhile, Franklin admits that after all they have put into this, “no one wants to not get chosen.” (Check below when he seems to deny feeling this way.)
The crawl reads, faux-ominously, “Four hours until the final selection ceremony,” and I’m angered. What happened to my five-hour warning? How can I properly prepare for the shock and amazement of the ending without the necessary hourly warnings!
Still at the Mates’ house, Wes is doing his ab routine (which appears to be working, the b!tch.) Wes thinks that James will choose Brian, because they both live in Los Angeles (Wes is in San Diego.) Brian thinks Franklin is in the lead. And Franklin, proving that someone is paying attention, thinks Wes will be chosen.
Back at St. James Place, Andra thinks Brian is the wild card, while James thinks that he and Wes have nice chemistry, but that Brian would physically be there. With Wes... could it go anywhere (due to the distance?) Andra pipes in that Wes may not be ready for James. And James wonders if the chemistry between he and Franklin is purely physical. Turning their attention again to determining who was gay and who was straight, they finally get one right! Sean, they determine, was straight. James bases this on Sean’s uncomfortable response to any affection. (Duh! He was the straightest one there! In Sean’s clip, he admits that lying was a burden, and admits to worrying that people would notice when he wasn’t aroused by his lap dance. “I downed my drink right there” he admits. My first clue was that Sean didn’t know the words to “I Will Survive.” Puh-lease, like he could be gay!)
Finally, the limo pulls up with James and Andra. Franklin (in viewer clue #3) is making burgers and hot dogs on the grill. Brian playfully discusses the awkwardness of the situation. “You’re dating all of my roommates… when he calls the house… ‘It’s James!’… Who’s it for?” Andra confronts the guys in a lame effort to get one of them to admit his deceit. She is angry that some guys were there just to play the game, and accuses Darren of ‘playing her just to get to James.’ (Wow, is she off base here!) Franklin says, defensively (clue #4) that this is not a life-and-death choice for James. (He’s right, Andra… your histrionics do seem a bit out of place. It’s one week of your lives, for god sakes.) Andra replies, accusingly, “that’s easy for you to say, you’re here! Someone else is not because I chose you to be here!” (I’m confused… I though James made the choices? She’s really living vicariously through James. I think, after the show, the girl should get some therapy.) She continues: “For me it’s hard because I love this guy so much.” Franklin notes that her love may be blinding her from what’s going on around here. This is the obvious statement of the night.
The crawl reads, faux-ominously, “Two hours until the final selection ceremony,” and I’m thinking: “Two hours? For the love of God, get it over with!”