Some of you may recognize yours truly as the reality-TV-addicted writer of the critically acclaimed series ‘Gay Survivor Journal.’ I have received a promotion of sorts (or is it a demotion?) and have been asked to write summaries for some episodes of ‘Boy Meets Boy,’ the new series on Bravo (the ‘Gays Buy Advertising Products!’ network..) I took on this responsibility to ensure that the summaries will be fair and even-handed, and that everyone will be insulted equally (even, nay especially, My People.)
For those of you who may have missed Episode One, please read my summary “Secrets and Leis (or The One with the Luau”) and pay particular attention to the character descriptions or else you’ll be hopelessly lost with all the names. I refuse to describe all these people again! Last time it took seven pages!
Disclaimers aside, we move on to…
Boy Meets Boy, Episode Two, “Ride Me, Cowboy (or The One with the Ho Down)”
Previously on “Boy Meets Boy:” ‘Leading Man’ James met 15 potential ‘mates.’ With his best friend Andra he set out to determine which three he’d have to send home that night. Dan revealed the shocking secret that he has a boyfriend in New York (and they have an ‘open relationship.’) Wes showed interest, and James felt some sparks with him, but it was Franklin who caught James’ eye. In the end it was Chris, Brian A., and Jason who would be sent home. Remember, James and Andra still don’t know that some of the gay suitors are actually straight.
Tonight, the previews promise that James is in for a real shock. In fact, Dani is quoted as saying: “There’s something I have to tell you and it could change everything.” Will she inform them of the gay/straight twist? Will Bravo actually take the high road here? Or is this just some sneaky way to get us to watch the show through until then end, only to find that the ‘something she has to tell him’ is really pretty uneventful and lame? (Don’t they realize we watch Survivor and we’re not easily fooled by overblown promos?)
We fade up on James making breakfast, wearing only plaid pajama bottoms, with a cute ‘bed head’ hairdo, and I can’t help but feel like my dream has come true. Make me some pancakes, honey! (Damn! It’s only TV! I have to keep telling myself.) He goes on and on about how horrible the eliminations were, and how it was one of the worst things he’s ever had to do. (Puh-lease. Those three losers had to go.)
Next, we are treated to a tempting montage from the ‘mates’ house, with half naked boys lounging around the pool. I, being the observant gayboy that I am, notice that Sean is as pale and scrawny as I suspected, but some people like that, I suppose. Franklin, Michael, Wes, Marc and especially Dan all look tanned and toned, as expected. Even Darren was buffer than I initially assumed. Jim is entirely too dressed for the poolside, which leads me to think he’s hiding his beergut under that shirt. All in all, though, not a bad bunch.
Wes comments that this is a bizarre situation to be thrown into, with 15 guys together. Dan has to keep reminding himself that even though it’s fun, it’s still a competition. And Robb states: “With 15 guys, there’s bound to be some craziness going on, and hopefully I’ll find myself in the middle of it having fun.”
Soon enough, we see Robb and Franklin rubbing their hands, and Dan questioning what they are doing… and why they ‘look guilty.’ Robb assures him that “It’s not lube, it’s lotion.” Robb then checks on someone who is dawdling in the bathroom, notifying him that “If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it.” (This guy makes me laugh. I’d keep him around just for that!)
Then we jump back to Andra and James, who are now formulating a plan of attack. James plans on talking more to Franklin and Darren today. They wonder about Matt… is he too tame? Or does he only show his wild side when he’s comfortable with someone? Andra reminds him that Sean is quiet, but engaging in one-on-one conversation. (We, the viewer, have yet to see this geek be all that engaging.) Marc, Andra opines, is a ‘man of few words.’ But maybe after the first day he’ll be more comfortable. Paul is a tough one, not rude, but very quiet. And they agree about two-timer Dan, “his honesty is what saved his ass.” (What? This confuses me. He was spared because he admitted he was a pig? Wow. I should admit my sins a lot more often!)
We jump again to the scene around the pool, where flirty Dan (looking fierce in his blue/white floral board shorts and totally ripped bod) points out Brian’s ‘happy trail.’ (For the uninitiated, this is the little line of hair that leads from the navel to the… well, you get the point.) “Have you seen his trail here? It’s adorable. Check it out. It’s one of the cuter things I’ve seen in a while.” If Dan is actually straight, he’s one hell of an actor, that’s all I have to say. Give him an Emmy!
Again we jump back to James and Andra (the Editor was feeling bored and creative) as Dani arrives. (She’s wearing a hot pink sleeveless T that accentuates her large fake (?) rack, and odd ¾ length black pants with huge side pockets. Her hair looks better today; it’s straight and in a twist.) The plan, she announces, is to do some country line dancing (despite the fact that James hates country music.) She puts a cute hat and bandanna on him, (“to complete the very gayness that is Boy Meets Boy”) and he looks just about as uncomfortable in it as a whore in church. (Despite this, I still think he looks dreamy.)
Back at the Mates’ House, Dan, Robb, Marc, Franklin, Michael and Jim (Group 1) get their invitations to a ‘honky tonk 2-stepping good time,’ along with boots and hats to wear. They seem thrilled, though Robb explains: “half of us were really excited to go, and the other half were really excited to dress up and put on new outfits.” James arrives, looking fetching in a black tank top and snug jeans, and they all hop into a jeep bound for the middle of nowhere.
After a quick commercial break, the boys arrive at a tiny western town, where James notices that a “Rico Suave” guy is waiting to greet them. Jorge (in TIGHT jeans that are blasted in all the appropriate areas) introduces himself (in a thick Spanish accent): “You are going to dance today, and I’m going to be your instructor.” (Me first! Instruct me, Papi! Wait… I forgot again… it’s just a TV show, I’m not actually there.) Jorge playfully asks “where are all the girls?” When Dan answers “it’s just us, baby,” Jorge says: “That will make it interesting.” Franklin explains that Jorge was very aggressive… not necessarily verbally… but with his hips.
As the boys learn some line dances, I take a moment to notice what the boys have chosen to wear. Michael seems overdressed in a rust button-up rayon shirt. Dan is sexy as always in a tight baby blue sleeveless T with white side-stripes. Marc dresses for the occasion in a cream colored western shirt. Robb ignores the occasion in favor of his penchant for slogans, and wears his black ‘Free Winona’ T. And Franklin looks the cutest of all in a tight retro-70’s burgundy and cream striped T.
Marc seems the most comfortable, and is the first to volunteer to dance with Jorge (which surprises James, who had written Marc off as a wallflower.) Next Jorge proceeds to teach them to ‘shadow’ (which for the uninitiated is basically dirty dancing, gay country style.) When he decides that Marc is too tall, Dan too eagerly volunteers: “I’m your man!” Jorge explains: “You will be right here on my front,” and puts Dan into a position where he is basically grinding him from behind. Dan (in reference to the microphone pack he is wearing down the back of his pants) asks: “You’ll check my batteries?” And Jorge playfully answers: “I will recharge your batteries, don’t worry.” He then proceeds to take Dan’s hands, and rub them up and down Dan’s body, at one point lifting his shirt to reveal his abs.
This whole exhibitionist show has James in a flutter: “I think at that point I was beginning to dislike Dan. All he wanted to do was dance with Jorge, and I thought that was inappropriate.” (Sounds like jealousy to me, James. Could it be you have feelings for Dan? If you didn’t, perhaps you wouldn’t care so much.) Dan, in his defense, admits: “It was quite an experience. I can definitely see where Jorge got the worn out bottom in his pants.” (This is definitely the Quote of the Week.)
The time comes for him to choose someone for a one-on-one dance and conversation. Though he notes that he and Robb have made a connection, (Robb says: “James is the closest to the perfect ideal guy for me that I’ve come in contact with up until now.”) James stays true to his plan from this morning, and chooses Franklin. He and Franklin share a (somewhat clumsy looking) dance, and then retire to a tiny checkered-tablecloth table with hay bales for chairs to have their one-on-one time. (As James puts it: “Okay, I’ve been just fondling you basically for ten minutes, let’s go sit down and talk.”) Franklin proceeds to lather James with compliments (including the backhanded comment: “…you have this masculine jaw and these feminine eyes and this mix just melts together and it’s just gorgeous.” Afterwards, Franklin feels “fully confident,” (but to me it seemed like their hug goodbye was forced and spark-free.)