Some of you may recognize yours truly as the reality-TV-addicted writer of the critically acclaimed series ‘Gay Survivor Journal.’ I have received a promotion of sorts (or is it a demotion?) and have been asked to write summaries for some episodes of ‘Boy Meets Boy,’ the new series on Bravo (the ‘Gays Buy Advertising Products!’ network..) I took on this responsibility to ensure that the summaries will be fair and even-handed, and that everyone will be insulted equally (even, nay especially, My People.)
I also want to make a quick apology to Andra, who reportedly reads my columns, and who I have previously lavished with… harsh bitchy criticism. She does seem, without question, to be a lovely person and an amazing friend for James, and for that I applaud her. (However, I continue to stand by my statements that her attire and hairstyle choices on the series were less than ideal.)
Disclaimers aside, we move on to…
Boy Meets Boy, Episode Four, “Wanna Ride My Pony? (or The One with the Strippers)”
As has become the custom, our annoyingly British host Dani informs us… “Previously on ‘Boy Meets Boy:’ When the mates tried their moves out on James, Sean brought the house down. But it was Wes who got up close and personal. In the end, James said goodbye to Dan (straight), Michael (straight) and Matt (gay). This week, only 6 mates remain. The only catch is; James and his best friend Andra (still) don’t know that some of the remaining suitors are actually straight. As they get closer to James, secrets get harder to hide. Who will James choose?”
(And with this quick paragraph, anyone who missed episodes one through three is now caught up, and spared the experience of meeting the annoying/gorgeous/straight actor-Dan! I wish I had been so lucky.)
This-weeks’ episode opens with a montage of Sunrise on the Desert, complete with the sight of a jackrabbit bounding into the foliage around James’ house. (Is this jackrabbit foreshadowing the rampant sex to come in this episode? Don’t count on it.) James is woken by an obnoxious alarm, and proceeds to make eggs (yolks and all, the skinny biotch can apparently eat whatever he wants. I, on the other hand, have to settle for Egg Beaters.) James and Andra chat by the pool (both with a serious case of bed-head) and ponder the difficult choices ahead.
Meanwhile at the Mates’ house, buff Brian and strapping Franklin work out. Franklin knows this round will be about connection, and is worried that the chemistry between he and James just isn’t there. Darren and Sean are apparently bonding, while the tight friendship between Robb, Brian and Wes continues. Franklin appears to be floating between the two groups (which I believe is a sign of things to come… more about this later.) Robb, ever the joker, has found some ‘horny goat weed,’ and while sniffing it, announces: “man, I’m frisky.” (Wow, if all it takes is a sniff, I’ve gotta get me some of that. Not for myself, of course, but for… well, never mind.)
Back at St. James’ place, he receives a cute little pony-on-a-stick, and an invite to horseback riding with all six mates, that includes the risqué phrases: “back in the saddle” and “giddy-up and get ready.” (Someone at Bravo was paid good money to write those cards. Meanwhile, I do THIS for free. Where is the justice in the world?)
The boys get their invite as well, and Wes takes a moment to tease Franklin with “Hey Franklin, wanna ride my pony?” I barely notice this, however, because Brian is standing nearby in a towel so low that I can nearly determine his religion. Wow does he have an awesome body. Where was I… oh yeah. Robb is hoping James can see past his ‘kooky side.’ Sean is still holding back, waiting for the right moment. Wes needs to make sure the attraction is mutual. And Darren is no longer playing a game, because his feelings have become involved. (Wes, ever the sweetheart, is confused as to why oddball Darren is still here. I have to say I agree with Wes.)
Finally, the two houses meet, and James (Avon Calling!) arrives to pick up his 6-man-harem. Again, I disregard what everyone says, as I am distracted by Franklin’s armpits as he leans against the wall. (I’m not normally a pit-freak, but his are particularly fetching.) They hop into the limo on the way to horseback riding, commenting on the fact that this is the first ‘outing’ that includes all the mates (now that the numbers have dwindled so severely.)
As the men mount their horses, we learn that Darren is a horseback-riding-virgin. Meanwhile, James’ horse pees, which makes Darren have to pee. The scatalogical humor continues, as James discusses the horses crapping habits, and Wes compares them to Darren. (This is a truly highbrow show.) Robb, in the back of the pack, is the lucky one who gets to watch the backs of all their heads and breath in their dust and fumes. He sarcastically comments: “I don’t think I’ll shower tonight.”
James is told he will have one-on-one sessions with each of the six guys today, drawing names from a hat one by one. The first one-on-one is Lunch with Brian. Obviously nervous, but happy to have his first alone time with James, Brian babbles and smiles incessantly. James is worried because Brian is a bartender, and therefore must sleep around and get groped by other guys six hours a night every night of the week. (Wow! If this is the job description, I’m obviously in the wrong line of work!) Brian assures him that the bartending is just a side job for the extra cash, and that he’s actually not interested in random hook-ups. To help this lie go down well, Brian follows it up with flattery so thick that James will need boots to wade out of it.
His second one-on-one is a drink in a little oasis with Robb. Poor Robb has only minutes to bond with James in wind so strong they can barely hear each other. When James asks: ‘if you leave tonight will you be disappointed,’ Robb says: ‘yes.’ (My only thought is Duh! What did you think he would say? “No, I’d be thrilled?”) James worries Robb will feel Robbed because they had so little time alone.
The third one-on-one is a Limo Ride with Franklin. They crack open the champagne, and Franklin assures James that there is interest on his part. James asks the lame question again, ‘if you leave tonight will you be disappointed,’ and Franklin eerily replies “I would find you and I would pursue you.” (And no doubt boil his bunny on the stove.) James’ instincts tell him “wow that’s incredible, I want that” and also “you’re lying.”
Meanwhile, the remaining 5 mates are stuck riding back together in the ‘dirty van.’ Robb shows his catty side (does he have another side?) and announces “Now that Franklin’s not in the car, let’s talk smack about him.” This is followed by a montage of seductive shots of Franklin’s mop of a hairstyle. Brian compares it to ‘waking up whacking weeds’ and Robb says ‘it’s like a Chia head.’ (Jealous biotches.)
James returns to his place, and meets up with Andra (who folds her laundry on the floor. What, they don’t have people to do their laundry? How cheap, Bravo!) James recants the day’s events, knowing he must choose the boy with whom he has the most chemistry. His fear is that he will pick somebody who is just playing the game, and he will be emotionally devastated. Andra assures him (naively) saying: “I would bet everything I’ve got that you can trust every single one of them.” (Wow, is she ever wrong!)
At dinner, Andra asks the guys what they want to do with their lives, and Wes starts by saying he would like to host a travel show with Andra (what a brown-noser!) Franklin goes on and on and on about wanting to be a wine importer, and about his trips to various places like the Argentine outback and Antigua (where he built homes for an impoverished tribe.) Andra is flabbergasted he has done all of this at 23, and Robb snidely mocks him with “I’m great, aren’t I?” Dani busts in on the dinner, for once to offer good news, James will make the decisions in the morning, and tonight he can sleep on it.
The fourth one-on-one is a dessert with Darren. It seems Darren has written James a letter professing his undying love, or something like that, which James doesn’t appear to be too excited about, but appreciates nonetheless. Darren ‘hasn’t felt that way in such a long time,’ which is sort of sad and pathetic, if you want my opinion. They end the date with a quick mouth-to-mouth kiss (which is, so far, the most physical contact we’ve seen on this all-too-tame show.) Franklin sees this though the window, and becomes jealous. (Or is he just ‘acting’ jealous? More on this later.)