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Next Action Star - Episode 8 Summary

'You Hate Me, You Really Hate Me!' By Megacanuck
Original Airdate: July 28, 2004

Previously on Next Action Star, NBC decided not to show one of the most interesting sounding episodes, opting instead to air a non-elimination round a few weeks earlier. NBC sucks. Oh yeah, Melisande and John were eliminated, and Melisande confessed her love to Jared. Yup, wouldn’t have been interested in seeing that episode at all NBC. I was much more interested in seeing the non-elimination episode as it was so spiritually fulfilling.

So, it’s the finale, the episode we’ve all been waiting for. Or at least the 5 of us who still admit to watching the show (I’m counting my hubby in this too). Surprisingly, they don’t spend the first 20 minutes showing recraps of past episodes. We get to see that later instead.

This week’s screen test is called “Score To Settle”. It’s the story of a special agent taken hostage by terrorists (quick, call Donald Rumsfeld!), whose partner arrives to rescue him. It will take gravity defying fireworks to effect the rescue. Yawn. I guess I shouldn’t have gone to see Bourne Supremacy before watching this. Now THAT was an action movie! And Matt Damon was incredibly hot in it too. Oh wait, where was I? Oh right, Next Action Star.

72 hours to screen test. The house sure looks empty with just the 4 of them wandering around it. Fortunately we don’t have to feel sorry for them for long as it’s off to the National Wushu Training Centre for stunt fighting with Master Eric. Now he’s a cool guy. I would definitely pay money to see him in an action movie.

They move right into the Net Zero Hi-Speed Challenge, which is a kind of obstacle course, and was the best part of the episode in my opinion. They had to climb a ladder, fight a couple of guys, run, crawl through a half-open tunnel, fight some more, somersault over a wedge onto a mat, climb partway down some stairs, then jump off the stairs onto a mat. Whew! I got exhausted just writing that! The person who completes the course in the shortest time wins a power lunch with Louis Morneau and Alan Sheckter, the director and producer of the NBC film.

Corinne went first and kicked @ss! She looked awesome, but hesitated before jumping off the stairs as she’d misjudged the angle. Still, she finished in 29:32. Jeanne went next and, while she probably could have been slower (took 36:12), she couldn’t have looked much less like an action star. On behalf of girls everywhere, I have to award her a big fat raspberry for her performance. She ct’s that she’s burnt out and tired. Suck it up girly – it’s only a few more days.

Sean was very focused, looked good, and came in with a time of 28:18, but Jared zipped through the course like a jack-rabbit and won with a time of 26:57. Now, I have to take a moment to apologize to Jeanne. I thought that she did a sucky job of it, but after seeing Jared, I have to say I hope Melisande grew a pair while they’ve been apart, because he was even girlier than Jeanne was. I realize that the object was to be the fastest, but come on Jared, they’re only casting one female lead, not two!

Jared ct’s that he doesn’t like to lose or come in 2nd – ever! I hope for his sake his girlfriend doesn’t feel the same way.

Louis and Alan are waiting for Jared in some almost completely empty restaurant. It appears that they’ve already ordered and are signaling for the cheque when he comes in. Curses – foiled again, they thought when they realized he’d appeared before they’d managed to duck him. He asked a couple of inane questions about the movie and how they perceive him. Louis tells him it’s a piece of garbage that they couldn’t get produced as a real movie, so they’re stuck doing it with two no-names as a movie of the week during the summer. Oh, whoops, that was me, not Louis. Alan asks Jared if he would treat Alan & Louis differently on set if he got the part. Jared, in a rare moment of total honesty, tells them that yes, he’d be such a jerk. Suddenly realizing he said that out loud to the two people controlling his fate, not in a ct, he grabs a fork from the table and commits hari-kari. Oh, darn, I must have been fantasizing again. They think it’s a funny comment and laugh with him. They deserve each other.

Best line of the episode: Jared ct’s “I might be able to work on a movie, and even get paid for it.” Ok, this deserves a comment. What the heck did you think you were auditioning for, a part in a Fruit of the Loom commercial? Actually, that’s too kind. I usually laugh at the Fruit of the Loom commercials, but don’t tell anyone because I’m vaguely embarrassed about it.

Back at the house after lunch, Sean and Jeanne toss a football around. The very manly, not at all Fruit of the Loomy, Jared plays with a paddle-ball. Nothing wrong with this picture, nope. Sean pretended to toss the football to Jared, and in a sadistic moment drilled it straight at Jared’s nether regions. I rewound the tape several times, getting a twisted sense of pleasure from watching Jared writhing around on the ground groaning. Here’s to you Melisande, and Jared’s no-name girlfriend.

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