”Those in the free seats are the first to hiss.” --Old Chinese saying
Previously on Next Action Star, something probably happened but I have no idea what because I forgot to watch. But based on this episode, I don’t think I missed much.
This is a show to find one man and one woman what have the “It Factor”, that magical and indefinable quality that separates Stars from us mere mortals. Thousands of people have auditioned for this show, and a bunch of people have been already been eliminated. Now 30 people remain.
The show opens with a stock (yet classic) image: the olde Hollywood sign, high on a hill. Since we’re in Hollywood, business is being conducted at a PARTY of course! This particular party takes place in the Argyle Hotel, which I never heard of but then I live in Minnesota so what do I know. Anyway, our Action Star Wannabees are all partying their little hearts out, drinking, chatting and ass-kissing—three things everyone must know how to do if they want to be a Star. This also gives the show producers a chance to introduce (or rather--re-introduce) their 30 finalists. Let’s play along, shall we?
Young is a studly oriental-looking Doorman with gold earrings. He’s cute—but his entire face appears immobile. He is as expressive as the oak and brass doors he stands before.
Linda is a Wardrobe Stylist with bad hair. I forget what she was wearing.
Three women are shown standing arm-in-arm – Mae, Viviana and Sumere. Viviana says “I am standing between spring and summer!” I think there is nothing between spring and summer, you idiot. You must be nothing.
Julielinh is billed as an ‘Executive Assistant’, a title which can mean anything from, well, executive assistant to mail girl.
Melissa is a Sales Associate who says “I am an experienced actress.” See? Kindergarten plays do count!
There are three guys names Matt on the show. So confusing. The first one is Matt T, who I will now call Mattie because it’s my summary and I can do that if I want to. Mattie is an Investment Banker. Woo-woo. He is there with his buddy Santino, a Broker Trainee who looks gorgeous and has a great voice. Mattie? May need his voice dubbed—although like all of them (almost) he is very good-looking.
Jared is that classic combination Shakespearean Actor/slash/Bartender. See the world needs good bartenders way more than it does Shakespearean actors, and baby actors are a dime a dozen, so they wind up working in bars where they can be close to HOT women and dream of the things they will make the HOT women do once they themselves become a really big star. HOT women will do anything a celebrity wants, anything at all—kinky sex, perversions, you name it. When you're a celebrity--HOT women are yours for the -f- plucking. Plus barkeeping keeps actors off the streets. Where was I?
Todd and John are Waiters. Mark is Club DJ.
Help! Show producers! I am in Name-That-Wannabee Hell here! No more names! Can we have some Action! I signed on for Action! At least buy me a drink? I’ll do anything! (Oops—Swami slaps herself.)
Finally, a host comes out and gets the ball rolling. Her name is Tina Malave and she has a head covered with cute, long ringlets. “Hello,” she says. “I’m Tina Malave and I’m here to help you navigate through an extremely intense process.” You may now kiss my feet, my ring and my ass—in any order you wish.
Then she introduces Victoria Burrows, a casting agent who everyone met last week when I was AWOL. Victoria’s credits include Castaway and Lord of the Rings. I’m thinking—wow! But then I wonder—did she cast the actors or the caterers? Hmmmmmm. Victoria has a great up-to-the-minute hair cut, but her hair is dyed about 8 shades of blonde in a random zig-zag pattern. Kind of like blonde camouflage.
”It is a great help for a man to be in love with himself, but for an actor it is absolutely essential.” --Robert Morley
Anyway, Victoria tells the Wannabees that “There is something special in each of you to bring you here.” The Wannabees all nod sagely. Yes, indeed—they are special; they are cool; they are STARS! Tina tells ‘em: “We will be evaluating and testing you from the second you get up in the morning until you go to bed at night. There are 30 of you now, in 48 hours half of you will be gone.” (Tina sucks at math—but more on that later.)
The plan is, after the Party they will hand out scripts for their first audition. While they talk about this the producers give us a bunch of quick takes so we can met some more of the Wannabees and maybe even learn some names.
Reggie is Yale Drama School grad who thinks “God has brought me here for a reason.” Be careful, dude. Ever read the Old Testament? God is a tough agent. Anyway, Reggie hasn’t got his first bartender job yet. Oh, wait. He went to high class Yale so he won’t be doing that—he’ll go into business with daddy instead. Then again, maybe he will succeed. After all, Yale has produced such illustrious performers as Brooke Shields and, um, George W. Bush.
Viviana, she who is between spring and summer, is a Club Dancer. I have no idea what a Club Dancer is. Is she a stripper? Is she a Private Dancer—you know, a dancer-for-money-I’ll-do-what-you-want-me-to-do? Like Tina turner sang about? Or is she, like, a Rockette or something? Anyway—she is originally from South America and is, as they say, a Bombshell. Viviana Va-Va-Voom!
Next we meet two Afro-Americans from Minneapolis, MN—home of a lot of really really white people. How unexpected is that? Austene is a Dancer. Corinne is a boxer. That’s right—a girl boxer. I bet she’s tough and takes no guff. (Hey look—I made a poem! Webby will have to pay me more this time!) Corinne is also gorgeous, with honey-blonde hair and honey-brown skin—a fabulous look that all the skinny little white girls in Minneapolis can only dream of.
Austene looks really, really nice and seems like a lovely person, but she has weird nostrils. They’re shaped like little, pointy arrowheads. Every time the camera is on her I stare at the nostrils. Plus, can two sisters from Minneapolis both make the final cut? I think not. Bye-bye, Austene.
Matt S. (hereafter called Matts because it’s my summary and I can do that if I want to) is a New York Fire Fighter. All post 9-11 Reality Shows must include a fireman or a policeman, because Hollywood cares. About image that is.