Welcome back to Outback Jack – the show that answers the question “How low will TBS sink to avoid another hour of Saved By The Bell reruns in their programming schedule?
Anyway, it’s week 5 and we return to find Outback Jack and his five remaining high maintenance beauties – Natalie, Maria, Mere-De, Adrienne, and Cortney–without-a-“U” preparing to head to the big city of Perth, where Jack will be able to see the girls in their natural environment. But, due to the ever shrinking travel budget this show has placed itself on, their plane is only big enough for Jack and four ladies, so he must eliminate one right now, at the beginning of the episode. We are left wondering just how JD and the eliminated girl will make their way back to civilization. Will there be more camel riding?
TENSE DRAMA UNFOLDS as Jack tells the girls one by one whether they’re going. I’m just going to skip to the end since the speech is always the same and never funny. Suffice to say, Jack takes each one on a roller coaster ride, using the requisite “buts” and “howevers” to try to fool the women into thinking they are being dumped. What fun!
For those of you who want to feel the drama of the actual elimination ceremony, continue with this paragraph. Otherwise, feel free to skip down to the next paragraph where I’ll reveal who Jack eliminates …….But………… However………………. But…………….. However…………………….. But………………………… However…………….. Now, wait exactly one minute before continuing on……….. It’s between Adrienne and Mere-De………………Okay, continue!
The girls he eliminates is ……... Adrienne! He says they had a spiritual connection, but not a romantic one. Well, that was pretty clear all the way back to week 3 when they kissed each other like brother and sister. Even Adrienne agrees as she leaves. Anyway, it was a profound spiritual journey for her. The newcomer Mere-De is staying as she and Jack have a special connection. He wants her to continue the journey and all I can say is at least he didn’t call it a process!
It’s time to board the plane now, and the girls can’t wait to plug in the blow dryer, fire up the credit cards, and use a flushable toilet. Jack can’t wait to return to the Outback. They take a limo to their hotel, and Jack already looks like a caged animal - the despair is apparent on his face. He calls it Bloody Torture and they haven’t even arrived at their destination yet. Natalie, who is never at a loss for words (and is seemingly always on camera, wants a facial, a pedicure, manicure and a latte. My guess is that Natalie would order a grande, nonfat, no whip, half-caff, 3-pump sugar-free vanilla latte, extra hot, with extra foam. A latte is sounding pretty good to me right now, since I haven’t had my morning cup of coffee – I think I’ll order one just like Natalie would. But first, the girls must choose roommates. Cortney agrees to room with Mere-De, which is a relief to Maria. She doesn’t like the newcomer Mere-De. Mere-De is not one of them.
As soon as they get settled, they are going to give Jack a makeover. Jack doesn’t know what a makeover is, but he’s certain he’ll hate it. The girls check out their rooms and are ecstatic at the luxury. In fact, they spend the next few minutes having a religious experience reacting to their opulent new surroundings. The original girls are surprised that Mere-De is excited about all this because they figured she liked the bugs and the dirt.
The girls go get Jack – it’s time for spa treatments. They’re certain Jack is going to LOVE this! The spa concierge, a conservatively dressed woman who appears to be in her mid-40’s, greets them and gives them all robes to change into. Apparently, she also gave Jack a pair of briefs which he opts not to wear since he plans to have kids someday. She asks whether he has something under his robe, and Jack replies with a devilish grin that he certainly does! Wow, Jack is apparently into older women! You go, Jack!. The girls are being pampered with exfoliation treatments and some kind of gooey seaweed skin treatment, but the spa lady is apparently torturing Jack (judging from his screams) – with exfoliation treatments and a seaweed goo.. Next up is the eyebrow plucking and body waxing. Do girls really like this stuff? Next is the massage, pedicure and manicure. The girls call it ”pampering”. Jack comments that he thought life in the Outback was hard. Anyway, he survived spa treatments and its time for bed. Natalie can’t wait to fall asleep in her 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, but Maria secretly has other sleeping arrangements in mind, as she sneaks down to Jack’s room unbeknownst to the other girls. I’m a baaaad girl, she tells the camera. Jack, the spa treatments were worth it my friend. The last image we see is Jack closing the door behind the cameraman.
Time for shopping, and Jack is about to get a glimpse of what he’s really in store for if he chooses one of these women. The girls show their hunting and gathering skills as they find the best bargains all over the city of Perth. They show their ability to navigate unknown terrain, never stopping for directions as they search for Neiman Marcus and Saks 5th Avenue. Jack finally finds something he likes in the Jungle Wear section of Banana Republic or the Discovery Channel store, I couldn’t tell which one. It looks exactly like the outfit he wore during the Outback portion of the series.