WARNING: The following is an extremely long summary for an extremely dull episode. (Doesn't quite make sense somehow, does it?)
"This episode contains discussions of sexual behavior. Viewer discretion is advised." Really? Is that a promise? God, I hope so…
These four couples...blah, blah, blah...incredible adventure...yeah, yeah...test their devotion...yada, yada, yada...separate ends of island...ah, here we go...Our fearless leader, Marky Mark comes striding down the beach. "Who will stay together? Who will be torn apart?" (Who cares?...well, I guess I do, since I am writing the re-cap.) Oh, here’s my favorite part of any TI episode, Marky Mark’s patented spin move on the beach. "Find out here..." Marky’s arms fling wide open as he spins to look up at the camera, "...on Temptation Island." Boring intro graphic of singles whose names I never learned.
Previously on TITee: Jason gave Sandra some H-E-double hockey sticks at dinner, while Michael sat by and smiled gleefully. Sandra eventually got her little bootee kicked off the island, while Michael continued to be a Skank-oid. Meanwhile, Kristin got all up in Melissa’s business, which really had no purpose besides making Melissa want Jerome even more. At the girls’ bonfire, an historic TI first occurred when Melissa was forced to watch Michael’s video with headphones, because he’s a dirty Skank-oid and Fox (even with the success of Joe Millionaire) couldn’t afford enough censors to edit everything he said.
Palmetto Bay Plantation (Home of the women and the himbos), Night 13, 30 minutes after bonfire: Melissa continues to be shocked by what she witnessed on Michael’s videotape and feels like she doesn’t really know Michael anymore. Single guy Ryan tries to cheer her up by telling her how wonderful and beautiful she is and how she can have any guy she wants. Guess the Miss New York sash and tiara never made that clear. Meanwhile, Stephanie talks about how Anthony’s video of him with Ashley reminds her of when she first fell in love with Anthony. Honey, if Anthony making out with another chica reminds you of when you fell in love with him, your relationship is more messed up then I thought. Stephanie tells Jeff that what bothered her most about Anthony’s video is that he wasn’t acting like a pig. (See Skank-oid, Michael.)
(Starry)Luna Beach Resort(Home of the men and the bimbos), Day 14, 60 hours till the final bonfire: The guys head to final date selection. Along the way, Michael talks about how he’s torn between Tiffany and Ida and how he wants to get to know Ida better. He must think Ida will be an easier lay then Tiffany.
1, 2, 3...hmm...I only count 7 bimbos left. Interesting, because when we last saw the guys, they had just kicked off Sandra, leaving 8 bimbos. Ah...in a quick flashback, we see Jason giving Eve the boot. Just like last season, I guess the producers felt the vote-offs just weren’t important enough to the outcome of the show.
Eric leads off in the final date selection and chooses Ida, who shoots him down and declines, saying that she doesn’t think he’s picking her for the right reason and that she has more of a connection with someone else (glances at Skank-oid). (Skank-oid: "Oh, my God." Yeah, I’ll second that.) Okay, to me, the singles on this show are only a few levels above prostitutes. I mean, their whole purpose is to tempt people into cheating on their significant other. Getting selected for the final date is like being a hooker chosen to service the President of the United States or something. It’s kind of the ultimate prize. Plus it’s what they’re there to do! So, I didn’t think it was too cool of Ida to decline Eric. Eric kind of gestures around, a little confused and says that any one of the women would be great to go with. Mark tells Eric to sit down, while we sort out the other men’s selections.
Jason chooses Amy, with whom he had a really bad hiking date. Jason says this will be the best date and that it will make up for their bad date. As long as he doesn’t yell at her, they’ll probably have a good time. Anthony chooses (shocker of shockers) Ashley, the single who looks most like his girlfriend.
It’s Skank-oid’s turn. Marky Mark tells Skank-oid that this is "Last lap of temptation," (What the hell is this, Temptation Island or a NASCAR race? Fox sure will push their NASCAR coverage anywhere they get a chance.) and that he must choose "the one you really want to be with." Ida yells out to Skank-oid to "Be true to yourself." Skank-oid apologizes to Tiffany as he chooses Ida, saying he feels something strong with Ida. I have a hunch that only certain parts of his anatomy feel anything. Tiffany seems upset, but proves she's not as dumb as I thought by saying that "Michael wants to cheat on his girlfriend, but he's afraid to." Wow, she's pretty insightful. Of course, her following comment just serves to negate everything she just said: "If Michael wasn't scared of cheating on Melissa, I'd be the one going on that final date."
Back to Eric, who looks the ladies over, says again that he’d love to go with any of them and finally chooses Kaileen. Kaileen’s probably one of the cooler single girls on the island and isn’t insulted at being Eric’s second choice, instead being positive about the fact that she gets to go on the final date.
The coupled women make their way to their final date selection. Kara goes first and chooses Ian. Melissa gets up and thanks all the guys for being there and says she’s made some new friends (I guess there were some guys on the island who didn’t mind Jerome.) and says she wants to date the man who owns a bracelet she holds up. To nobody’s surprise, the bracelet’s owner is Jerome. Stephanie stops fighting her feelings and chooses Jeff. Kristin gets up and chooses Ryan, who runs like a dog in heat to join her on her lounge chair.
At (Starry)Luna Beach, the coupled men are having private dinners with their chosen dates. Not much to report except that Ida is a total Valley girl. "I cannot wait, like, to spend time with Michael, and have, like, a crazy time, because I know we’re just gonna have, like the craziest time ever!" Plus what the hell is up with that one feather earring? She seriously belongs back in 1985.