Realizing the unspeakable torture that is another hour of Temptation Island of Lost Souls is but a day away, your humble summary writer begins to plot a way to avoid watching this episode. Hours into the night, and a wastebasket full of crumpled up and discarded ideas later, a smile slowly creeps across his face as a (not so) brilliant plan hatches in the depths of his mind. He knows the perfect man for the job. He sends an urgent missive to the mysterious Lady in Blue:
This is a matter of utmost importance. The FOX network is conducting insidious mind control tests on an unsuspecting populace by means of a show intent on the destruction of the newkular family known only by the codename: Temptation Island. I know of only one way to subvert their evil plans. Please send Station Manager Bubba to:
FOX television c/o I_AM_HE Lawrence, Kansas
Help me Bebo Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
P.S. I will pay for shipping.
Sending the droid carrying the plea eastward, your summary writer can only hope and pray it reaches her in time…
Thursday, September 11th, 7:55 p.m.
Despair begins to set in as Station Manager Bubba still has not arrived to put an end to the suffering of the three people still watching this show. I sigh and check the clock, realizing that I will have to watch afterall.
A black screen appears, with the following warning: This episode contains discussion of sexual behavior. Viewer discretion is advised.
Translation: No one on this island is actually getting any.
Now, I know this may turn off 33% of the viewing audience, the one dirty old man who is tired of watching scramblevision, but me? I’m overjoyed. It assures us that for today, anyway, the world is safe from even the accidental offspring of these losers.
For some inexplicable reason, the producers decide that we actually care enough about this show that they should spend half an hour (it feels like it anyway) rehashing the first two episodes. Cue voice over of host Mark L. Walberg (the L is for…oh, nevermind) explaining, with all the gravitas that only Mark L. Walberg can lend it, that the sadistic bastiges at FOX have stranded four supposedly committed couples who, for reasons unbeknownst to all rational human beings, volunteered for this, on an island and will tempt them to break up with a gaggle of dime store incubi and succubae. The couples’ angst-ridden faces (which surely cannot express a depth of pain greater than mine at watching this show) are displayed with ominous (yeah, right) graphics of flames in the background. Who will stay together and who will have a Change of Heart? Does anybody care?
Cut to host Mark L. Walberg striding purposefully along the strand of the seashore. Gesticulating wildly ala John Madden, he promises/threatens that we will find out HERE (and by HERE, he means “in my pants,” but sorry Marky, we’re not fooled; the producers have already told us that nobody gets any. This presumably includes you) on Temptation Island. He then, in a maneuver too comical for words to adequately express, throws his arms loosely to his sides, puffs up his chest, and makes a quarter turn as the camera flies up and around him.
We then get a montage of some nice scenery, women rubbing themselves, boats, some guy swimming with the fishes, Kara and her nose…oops, that’s a toucan…islands, sunsets, and the One Ring, flaming with the wrath of Sauron, and the title of the show, which, in case you forgot, is Temptation Island, which is hosted by, in case you forgot, Mark. L. Walberg. Mark then informs us that last week, the couples got their first taste of singledom on their first dates. We see whitewater rafting, jetskiing, massages, and Tanaya spreading her legs for Michael (go check, it’s right there on the tape). Mark tells us Kara fell for Jeff’s seductive charms. What?? Were we watching the same show? I didn’t see Kara “falling” for anything, and at any rate, that would presuppose Hyena Boy actually HAD any seductive charms. Besides acting like a jackass, I mean. Jeff smugly tells us he truly believes Kara will leave the island as a single. Hello braniac, that means without you too! Meanwhile, Jason finds only “misery in paradise.” Very romantically, he tells his date he wants to “get the hell out of here.” You sweet-talker, you. At their first bonfires, jealousies rage! Melissa, having found out her boyfriend, Man-whore Michael, is comin’ on to the ladies, confesses “I don’t know what I feel right now.” I suspect that none of you know much of anything, but I’m sure that’s just the editing. Jason, as chipper as ever (which is to say almost as upbeat as he would be at a funeral), is angry at the video of Kara’s date with Hyena Boy. Anthony is likewise enraged at Stephanie’s misadventures. “She had a choice!” he declares. I’m hoping that choice is for assisted suicide.