Ah, yes. Welcome back to the wonderful world of Temptation Island. Today, we have two solid hours for your delight. Hm. Maybe not. Delight is perhaps a strong word. Let’s rather say that here is a train wreck where you don’t have to pretend not to be looking, but you still want to wash your hands afterwards.
We jump right into the action, such as it is, with Minotaur Boy snorting and stomping all over the place about some necklace and his girlfriend being disrespected, blah blah. Wait, is this a rerun? Oh, no, sorry. My mistake. Anyway, apparently Trashy Blonde Ho has been shooting her mouth off to Sleazebag about how Minotaur Boy is mad at his girlfriend. Sleazebag, being “so much more of a friend” to MB, has naturally done his best to suck up to the infinitely cooler.. uh, excuse me, has done his duty as a true friend and blabbed all about it. This results in MB yelling at TBH. Yee hah.
Naturally, TBH is all upset, because she doesn’t remember, she just talks. And you know what? I think she’s telling the truth. Unfortunately, MB doesn’t believe her, and he just gets “more and more aggressive” the more she apologises. Yes, honey. It’s called a power trip. He is enjoying this. So either walk away or use the tears to swab off some of that makeup.
Poor Jeff is depressed. He was madly in love with Kara, and now he’s madly in love with Stephanie, and for some reason, Stephanie needs him to back off. Poor bruised flower. I mean, as he says to Dr. Kristen, “Everything she says makes sense to me”.
I bet that’s because she used words of one syllable.
Kara, meanwhile, makes some relatively sharp and pointed accusations (through her nose, admittedly, but you can’t have everything). She points out that Jeff doesn’t know what he wants; he seems to make deep, sincere connections with everybody and even she, heaven forbid, was fooled. Good job, Jeff!
What, of course, Jeff has failed to mention is that he was just yanking Minotaur Boy’s chain by seducing his girlfriend. He gets out of it with the explanation that he and Kara were just “friends”. Friends that he is in love with? Te quiero what? Excuse me?
The upshot, of course, is that he’s finished bugging Kara and is now busy invading Stephanie’s personal space. However, Stephanie has heavy issues on her mind (though how can you spend that much time thinking about Antony, really?) and would prefer to just have her own personal space. Jeff decides to hug her. Yup. Eau de armpit will really help her breathe, buddy.
Over at Luna, we’re still all embroiled in the Trashy Blonde Ho drama. Various shots of girls saying their stomachs are in knots, TBH coming in, boobs blazing, throwing accusations of ungentlemanly behaviour and betrayal. Shot of Sleazebag looking uncomfortable, as well he might. Who, exactly, is “talking smack about everyone” again?
At this interesting point, the guys walk in for what is, despite pre-commercial “High Noon” style shots, is quickly revealed to be a date pick. On top of that, the producers have decided to capitalize on the drama and have dredged out of their collective memories of summer camp some kind of warmfuzzy game (direly reminiscent of the Joe Schmo hottub lovefest) wherein the tempters tell the temptees their positive thoughts about them. Are you tempted? I’m tempted to change the channel, but the train wreck must go on. Bring on the speed daters!
One blonde tells Eric he’s intriguing.
Ashley tells Antony he has great style (is he still here? Who’s he?).
Michael starts off with his signature style and wit by observing that “Maria is in the hoooooussse”. We don’t hear what she says. That’s okay. Trashy B. Ho tells Michael that she did like him, but he betrayed her. He puts on his signature look for this episode, the squirming stoolie, and looks away, blushing. Blushing? Ew. Things do improve for him, however, as Miss Tiffany sits down and, giggling, tells him she “likes him”. (At this point, DH makes a somewhat rude observation in his native tongue that translates, in a Blows-PG13 kind of way, to “Her best quality is not her brain”. ) What really slays our fatal charmer (Michael, not DH) are Ida’s comments. She says he’s the coolest, the best, the best-looking, brak brak. He’s blown away; I’m blowing chunks.
Jason is told by numerous beauties that he is terrifying, but attractive. Miss Tiffany observes that he “scares the crap out of her”. Boo! As for the showdown with Trashy, it’s deeply anti-climactic. Yeah, you’re hurt, yeah, you don’t care. So shut up. Of course, she can’t, though he makes a pretty convincing stab at it.
After a few more loops of the forbidding stares and piggy narrowing of eyes, the date selection proceeds. Eric chooses Kaileen, who hasn’t had a date before. They go cycling, it’s awesome, she makes a donkey of herself, etc. I can’t even be bothered to think up donkey jokes.
Jason, perhaps channelling Eric, chooses Eve, who also hasn’t had a date yet. They chat, he’s a nice guy, the windsurfing is interesting and frustrating, but hard to manipulate. Sounds like Jason. Then, in a freak twist, Jason now channels the cheesiness that is Michael and buys a gift for Kara on his date with Eve. He spends $2 on this sweet gesture.
Michael, perhaps because he’s a horny, egotistical moron, chooses Ida, who said all those flattering things about him. His charming quote (paraphrase, actually): “I chose Ida, even though I knew Tiffany would be mad, because I wanna open myself to someone else”. Hmm. I don’t think it’s yourself you wanna open so much as your fly, but you never know.
Check that. I do know. Especially since his conversation during the date is composed entirely of creepy, pseudo-suave lines that make my skin crawl. Does this guy ever say anything that isn’t lifted from a Penthouse letter? Apparently not. They snorkel, Michael smarms, whatever. He does, however, provide us with some important insight. He is considering ... wait for it... it’s important.... asking IDA on his final date. Whew. What a twist. Did the earth move for you?
Anthony chooses Ashley. He likes her smile brak brak chemistry between them, brak brak brak, fun in the sun, brak brak, real connection, brak brak brak building friendship brak brak brak. Brak brak brak brak.
God Almighty, this is boring. Why is nobody making out, pray tell?