Welcome to my summary of The Bachelorette – the show that seeks to answer the questions:
“Can a good looking backup quarterback for a mediocre NFL football team find true love on a TV game show without being stalked and murdered by one of the scorned women he left behind??” and
“Will Jesse Palmer spend more time on TV as The Bachelor than he ever will as a quarterback?
The answers to these questions and more will follow – and you don’t have to wait through any long commercial breaks, recaps of previous weeks, or precaps of what’s to come.
As a service to those of you who have seen the show and are reading this for the insight and snarky comments, all such comments will be in bold text. Snarky comments in red; insightful comments or important points in blue. This way, you can skip through the boring descriptions of the actual dates and hit just the good parts.
Also, to add a little fun factor, I’m including my copyrighted dating show checklist, which first appeared in my summary for the Average Joe. We can use it to keep track of the cliché story lines in tonight’s episode. Here’s the list. I’ve added two new cliches at the suggestion of former summary readers:
1) Chemistry / connection claim 2) Hot tub scene 3) Make out scene 4) Girl proclaims she’s not there to make friends 5) Can’t trust anybody speech 6) Romantic boat ride 7) The show will be referred to as a “process” 8) Bachelor points out the quirks of dating X number of women at once 9) One contestant tries to sabotage (another through speech or actions) 10) Eliminated contestant will tearfully state that the “star” sent home the wrong woman (only applicable when a man is the star because no eliminated male would EVER do this.
Feel free to make and distribute copies if this checklist to your friends and use it for future installments of The Bachelor or any other dating show. Tonight’s show is a finale, so right away, items 4, 5, and 9 can be eliminated because they no longer apply. Now that the business end has been taken care of, let’s get on to the summary!
The show starts in Jesse’s hometown of Indianapolis, IN, where Jesse will take each girl to meet his family. Jesse tells us he is confused and nervous. He never thought it would get to this point. Now what the heck does that mean? Has he NEVER seen the show before? Is he unaware that the guy ALWAYS falls in love and ALWAYS must ultimately pick between two girls, one of who’s heart he must crush like a bug before he can claim his prize? Or did he think the show would be so boring they would cancel it midseason?
Anyway, he says he has such strong feelings for both of them that he may not propose to either. Yeah, that’ll teach them to steal his heart!
Now it’s time to meet Jessica, and they walk into what appears to be a local winery for some wine and food. It’s a quaint looking place, and you can almost smell the musty scent of the wine aging in oak barrels. Jessica tells him it was hard to hear he was falling in love with both her and Tara, but assures Jesse he can tell her anything. Jesse said he was just trying to be honest with her. Off camera, Jessica tells us she’s having a hard time putting her heart on the line with Tara still around.
Jesse has a surprise for her – it’s Jenny with her husband, Nick, who is Jesse’s best friend. Jesse takes Nick aside and confides that he’s crazy about both girls, and, basically, asks Nick to pick one or the other. Then the conversation gets good, and leads us to the unspoken dirt we’ve been waiting to hear:
Nick: “How close have you gotten to these girls – if you know what I mean (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)?” Jesse: “Pretty close” (biting his lip to suppress a smile)
Now, I’ve been out of the dating scene for quite a while, but this code was WAY too obvious for even ME to miss. I’m sure both girls’ parents will be thrilled when they see THIS scene!
Meanwhile, on the female front, Jessica tells Jenny she’s head over heels in love with Jesse, and Jenny is thrilled! She has hoped all along that Jessica and Tara would be the final two, but is upset knowing that someone’s heart will be broken. Time for another partner switch, and I’m wondering if this is something the future Mrs. Palmer will have to get used to.
Jessica goes off with Nick, who asks here if she’s “here to win”.
WARNING, WARNING! Danger ahead, Jessica! Be careful how you answer that question!. She says she’s definitely here to win, and the way it sounds, she’s more into the game than the guy. Hopefully for Jessica, Nick will be too dense to report this turn of events to Jesse.
Jesse confesses to Jenny that he’s confused and doesn’t know how the girls feel about him. MAN, Is this guy needy, or what? Anyway, Jenny passes this information along to Jessica with some good advice – “if you want him, tell him”. It’s good advice that’s well delivered. I like Jenny and in my opinion, the Best Friend spy idea was definitely a good twist.
Now they’re off to meet Mom and Dad, and the only interesting event is the discussion of Jessica’s age. Dad asks Jessica how old she is. Jessica holds up both hands and says “this many”. (not really, but I wish it would have happened). Jessica says she’s 21 but will be 22 in a month. I guess every day counts. Maybe she should have said she’ll be 22 when this show airs. Bottom line – Mom loves her, Dad thinks she’s too young and immature. I am getting irritated by Jessica because of her pseudo “Valley Girl” voice she adopts when answering the parent’s questions. Like, fer sure, totally freak me out!
As they kiss goodnight, Jessica follows Jenny’s advice and tells Jesse that she is falling in love with him and sees a future together. Awwww!