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Average Joe 3: Adam Returns - Episode 3 Summary

'The Claws Come Out' By MTW1961
Original Airdate: March 29, 2004

It’s week 3 of NBC’s abbreviated Average Joe series, and the action promises to be fast and furious. At the end of this episode, Adam will have to eliminate half of the 10 remaining lovely women.

To make things fun, I’m including a dating show checklist. We can use it to keep track of the cliché story lines we are expecting. Feel free to make and distribute copies to your friends. Here it is:

 1) Chemistry / connection claim
 2) Hot tub scene
 3) Make out scene
 4) Girl proclaims she’s not there to make friends
 5) Can’t trust anybody speech
 6) Romantic boat ride
 7) The show will be referred to as a “process”
 8) Bachelor points out the quirks of dating n women at once

Thankfully, we get a very abbreviated recap of last week’s episode and a preview of what’s to come tonight. Considering these clips often span the first 5-7 minutes of other reality shows, I am grateful that tonight, their total is about one minute. Also, to speed up you summary reading, I have put snarky comments in blue. Feel free to skip right to them!

We learn that the girls will compete for private dates with Adam. Their first event is to assemble a basketball backboard and hoop. Why a basketball backboard and hoop? I have three theories. Pick your favorite and run with it!

a) Adam is obsessed with basketball, and this will test the women’s knowledge of the game –
b) Adam wants to marry a woman who is capable of being the one to stay up all night on Christmas/Hanukkah Eve assembling toys for the kids.
c) Adam has started a fledgling outdoor recreation products company and needs a few experienced installers.

Anyway, the first to completely assemble her backboard and make a hoop wins a date that night. Christine (aka The Gamer) finishes first for the win, but not before Tracilee’s claws come out, which I mean quite literally, as the camera shows us that Tracilee is sporting a set of massive fingernails that extend at least an inch beyond the end of her fingers. Jen A. comments they look like silver Fritos ™. Mmm, salty snacks. Stay here, I’ll be right back....

My Own Average Joe Advice for Women - No Average Joe wants to have anything to do with a woman with nails this long. If you want a guy who appreciates long nails, I would recommend a BDSM club.

To celebrate Christine’s win, the women stop working and decide to shoot some hoops. Tracilee insists on finishing what she started, and is sulking because none of the girls offer to help her. This comes right after she told us that she’s not here to become friends and play nice. Well, make up your mind Tracilee. Either you’re here on your own, OR you want to be part of the group. You can’t have it both ways. Thanks, though, for letting us check off items 4 and 5 from our list.

The second contest involves day trading. Each girl gets $10,000 in starting capital and I guess they have to pretend to buy and sell stocks to make as much money as they can. Adam is going around helping all the girls, but confides he really wants to go out with Samantha. She is down $18,000 (seems hard to do when you start with $10,000) when he comes over to help. A few keystrokes later, she’s made a profit of $21,000! That does it, I’m quitting my day job (along with 50,000 other deadbeat AJ-AR watchers with similarly stupid delusions of grandeur.) Samantha has won date contest #2.

In a move that’s very unpopular with the rest of the girls, Adam awards Tracilee a private date for overcoming her fears in bullfighting and for sticking with the basketball hoop construction. She will go out to ice cream with Adam.

Traci and Adam have their little ice cream social, then head back to his mansion where once again, Adam has trouble popping his cork. is this symbolic of something? Tracilee gets the award for being the first one this episode to mention the “c” word (chemistry), which covers checklist item #1. This is always the easiest item to check off. They kiss, and we hear coyotes howling in the background, which kind of freaks Adam out because every time he makes out with a girl, the coyotes howl.

Tracilee goes back to the mansion, but won’t share anything about their date including what flavor ice cream she ate don’t let the other girls know you like mint chocolate fudge ripple. That kind of info could come back to haunt you! Pick her now, Adam. She’ll be a fun one to spend your life with!!

Date 2 has Christine and Adam racing go-karts and track-controlled drag racing. Adam enjoys it saying “I’m finally in an extreme sport and I wasn’t scared.” Sorry Adam, drag racing in a car tied to a track isn’t an extreme sport; it’s a Disneyland ride. Now they're hungry for dinner, which Christine comments is heavily garlic laden. Adam says this could be bad for the “make out scene” later. Apparently this wasn’t in Christine’s script because she is unaware that such a scene is coming up. (Adam pulls out his script copy and points out the make out scene to Christine.) In the voiceover he says “it’s pretty typical for me to eat a chunk of garlic right before I want to kiss a girl. I think that makes me human.” Eating garlic makes you human??? Funny, Heh!) Christine finds the make out session in hers script and they proceed to clean each other’s tonsils. (Item #3, check!). Then, they’re off for a romantic boat ride (item #6)

Meanwhile, back at the girl’s house, Jen A really wants to make friends with Traci, and figures the best way is to tell Traci about the “Frito claws” comment she made behind Traci’s back. Astonishingly, Traci doesn’t consider this a friendly gesture! Jen, give it up already. How could you possibly care whether she was your friend? More drama ensues between Traci and the other girls.

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