Boy oh boy! Here it is, The Big Day! Will they make it through the ceremony without a belching contest, morning “pile” report, or an appearance from The Moose? Will it be as joyous an ending as the one on The Littlest Groom? Because, my friends, if thats what youre looking for, youre in for a mighty fine hour of quality programming. The rest of us are here to see if Randis family finally gets that collective 2 x 4 surgically removed from their butts.
Randi has agreed to dupe her family into thinking shes marrying a total buffoon that will bring shame to them all. Until the end of time. The possibility of producing hideously deformed children who have no social skills is just icing on the wedding cake. If she can get through the wedding with her family all there and none of them objecting aloud, the whopping sum of $250,000 comes her way. Its a small amount of cash in exchange for their eternal humiliation. Talk about your passive/aggressive issues!
Steve, not a buffoon, but he plays one on TV, is our seemingly hapless groom. His “family” is also composed of actors who deserve better roles or at least an Emmy for a memorable night in the hot tub. If you dont know what Im talkin’ ‘bout, perhaps you shouldnt be reading this. The meaning of the phrase “Prom Date” has been altered for me forever.
And now...on to the “Most Anticipated Finale of the Season!”
The day dawns rainy and drab. There are many close ups of raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens (sorry, wrong show). Randi lets us know one more time how “EXTREMELY HARD” it is to lie to her family, and wishes they just knew she was lying for their benefit. Dont worry hun, the cash will make it up to them. Really. And then you can get that eyeliner tattooed on and save yourself half an hour in makeup time in the mornings. Its all good.
Catherine, Randi’s mom, is "tired and mentally exhausted" and wonders aloud if they, as a family will ever get past all of this. Frankly, if I were Catherine, Id be more worried that the hidden camera in her daughters room is showing us that her son and daughter are in the same bed. Or that her oldest boy is constantly swilling a beer...but thats just me. Catherine gives us a peek into poor Melanie’s psyche, who is so mentally frail that shes nearly bedridden because her sister didnt include her in the wedding plans (that were made in the course of a week when Randi wasnt allowed any contact with her family). Bruce, Randi's dad, drinks his coffee at the front window, thinking the rain is a bad omen. He has no idea. Patrick (aka Beer Swilling Brother) laments the fact that its raining, so he cant light the place afire. And you know hes not gonna waste any of that free alcohol by using it as an accelerant, so hes pretty much SOL.
Steve is feeling the stress. Say what you want about Steve, but he really does seem to have a little bit of sympathy for Randi. Not that its gonna keep him from doing his job, but its there. He visits Randi in her room. Claudia comes in and reminds them that theres no turning back. They have to make it through the ceremony, say “I do” and be pronounced man and wife, without anyone objecting to the union. If anyone objects, no one wins the cash. Randi’s hoping that mom can tell everyone to “shut up” and force them to behave during the ceremony. Little does she know that Steve’s going to show up in drag. (ok, not really, but thats what Id like to see)
2 Hours until the wedding- We see Poor Melanie saying that she feels like shes going to a funeral as she crawls back under the covers. Dad says in a voice-over that he feels Randi really needs to spend the 2 hours before the biggest event of her life (as far as he knows) consoling her sister, instead of say....getting dressed. Randi plans on keeping her distance. Dad comes to visit as she’s having her makeup done, Randi says the rain is good luck. Dad wants to have a heart-to-heart (and God bless the man, hes really trying here) and says that Randi should go talk with Melanie. Randi flatly refuses, saying that she doesnt want to make it a sad, sorrowful day. She realizes that Melanie is the only one who REALLY knows that she doesnt love Steve. Bruce plasters a smile on his face, and leaves.
We see Catherine and Poor Melanie getting their makeup done while Catherine tells us how hard this is. After all, Poor Melanie is feeling excluded and had her own ideas about Randis wedding, and dammit, no one is thinking about Melanie! Its all “Randi”...”RANDI, RANDI, RANDI!” Cut to the hidden cam, where we see Randi burst in, b!tch-slap Melanie and say “Look you sniveling, conceited little hag, this is MY wedding! If I want to marry Carrot Top in a g-sting and pasties in the middle of Times Square, thats MY choice. Its MY wedding, MY life. If you dont like it, then crawl your mentally-collapsed self back into bed. Otherwise, paste a smile on that sour lookin pie hole, get dressed and show up.” (ok, not really, but thats what Id like to see) Dad drops in and tells Poor Melanie that Randi doesnt want to see her. Melanie says that her bond with Randi now is completely broken. What a relief that must be for Randi.
30 minutes until the wedding- Steves pacing, talking about how surreal this all is. Randi's family and friends start showing up. He chuckles about Randi's reaction to the “final twist”.
We are now treated to the goings-on in the Coy Family Suite. Youd think in a mansion this size, that everyone would have their own room. Apparently, they are all getting dressed together. Isnt that sweet.
Catherine took Poor Melanie’s words about going to a funeral to heart, dressing in black from head to toe for her eldest daughters day time wedding. (Where ARE those Queer Guys when you need them?) The only thing missing is the Jackie O pillbox hat and black veil. Perhaps she’s worried the priest will mistake her for the bride. Poor Melanie’s meds have obviously kicked in, as she’s propped up on a chair, one step above a drug induced coma. Nice to see someone there has a little foresight. Beer Swilling Brother, wearing a towel, tells Mom he’s not going to any BLEEPIN wedding. Randi’s wish is granted when Catherine tells him to shut up and get dressed. After all, she’s already decided that her boys will wear kilts to the wedding (and probably lays out their clothes for them every day as well), so he goes to get dressed. Bobby, the good, but mute, brother is already dressed. Patrick gripes about the kilt looking feminine, which is enough to bring Poor Melanie out of her coma long enough to yell “MOMMY! He’s not shutting up and putting his dress on like you said! I think you need to bring the cattle prod in here!” (ok, not really, but its what Id like to see)
After getting dressed, it becomes blatantly obvious that Beer Swilling Brother has had one too many, and (in a truly Steve-worthy moment) he gives his mom a full frontal flash of what he’s NOT wearing under his kilt. Thank God this fine, upstanding, sophisticated (and way-to-close-for-comfort ifyaknowwhatimean) family will never have to really welcome a lout like Steve into their bosom. He’s not their kind, really.
Dad starts swilling beers now too, though you know he’s longing for something stronger. Patrick takes another brewski for the road, while Randi shares her fear, not that her family will be falling off their chairs drunk, but that they’ll not show up at all. Seems like the better choice if you ask me. Poor Melanie slurs out something about usually being on Randi’s side, but this time, she just cant do it. The nice men in the white jackets pick her up and help her stagger to the door for the main event.