Welcome to My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, the reality show whose objective is to push people’s limits until they go off the deep end, and have to spend the rest of their lives in therapy. I’m your Big Fat Obnoxious Summary Writer, Tiger Lily, and since I’m ever so much more interesting than the lady with no eyebrows, I would be delighted to be your hostess for the evening.
Last week, we left Randi and Steve anxiously awaiting the arrival of Randi’s family, the Coys. The Coys are from Littleton, Colorado -incidentally, the hometown of yours truly. Before I begin, I do need to let you all know one thing: Not all of us in Littleton are prissy, snooty, croquet playing pansies.
We start off with Randi telling us how nervous she is about her family meeting Steve. Her parents are expecting Prince Charming, and Steve is definitely no Prince Charming. Now, I know right now all of you dear readers are thinking, “Lily, what the heck are you talking about? Steve is the kind of guy any girl would dream of marrying,” but I’m asking you to bear with me here. No, really.
Anyhoo, in the limo on the way to meet the Coys, while Randi is busy prattling off every little detail Steve needs to remember about her family, Steve starts growing pale. Steve is sweating. Steve is beginning to hyperventilate. Steve looks like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown. Steve asks the driver to pull over the limo. Have I mentioned how incredibly annoying it is in Randi’s interviews when she uses the word “Steve” in every single sentence?
The limo pulls over, and Steve gets out and lies down on the pavement. I’m cracking up at this, but Randi doesn’t look too pleased. She’s standing about ten feet away from him, telling him to get up. He asks her to give him mouth-to-mouth. She politely declines.
Now for a commercial break. I think that Quizno’s ad may just be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.
We’re back, and it’s time to introduce the Coys. Meet Catherine, the archetypal bake-sale mom; Bruce, the formidable father; Patrick, the walking time-bomb older brother; and Randi’s two beautifully behaved younger siblings, Melanie and Bobby. Everyone assembles on the yacht... and what’s this? Miracle of miracles! Steve has magically become beautifully behaved, too. In an attempt to lull the Coys into a false sense of security, he acts charming and witty all afternoon, and even carries an entire tray full of champagne glasses without spilling a drop. He tells us he’s gained thirty IQ points and a soul overnight. And all the Coys tell the camera how much they like Steve. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
Randi immediately takes all the credit for Steve's miraculous transformation. Her lists and makeovers and incessant nagging must have done the trick, she says! Whatever you need to tell yourself, Randi. Indeed, later that evening, Steve convinces Randi that it is her love that magically changes him into such a suave, charming dude. Randi believes this because she's really self-centered.
At dinner, Steve delights Randi’s family further by presenting Catherine with a vase which he stole from the mansion’s kitchen. He thinks Randi will be upset about this, but she’s not. She’s just so happy that Steve isn’t making an ass out of himself, who cares if he’s a thief? Randi says that now that her family likes Steve, step two is taking their reaction and “playing with it”. Ironically, she has no idea just how right she is.
Another word from our sponsors: Ever wondered what would have happened if Jimi Hendrix had chosen Coke over Pepsi, and ended up playing the accordion? Yeah… me neither.
Next morning, the good old Steve we all know and love is back. Filling his breakfast plate high with doughnut holes, he starts barging into people’s bedrooms. Randi’s siblings are surprised to see Steve stuffing his face, belching, and describing the dump he took this morning in the bathroom.
Having made the Coy children suitably uncomfortable, he then heads off to play croquet with the family. As you might expect, Steve is not exactly the croquet playing type. Running around like an overexcited puppy, he manages to get sweat stains on his T-shirt, get grass stains on his jeans, flaunt his generous gut, and shout out things like “you suck!” in a perfect Chris Farley impression every time someone misses a shot. Hmmm... I'm pretty sure the Coy’s are rethinking their initial impression of Steve.
Of course, Randi and Steve are much more simpatico today, as Randi has no idea he’s been acting obnoxious all morning. She still thinks he’s the perfect gentleman from yesterday. The happy couple steals away for a few minutes, partly to keep Randi away from her family, but mostly to find out their assignment for the day: they have to spring the news of the engagement on the Coys at brunch. Steve makes Randi tell him she loves him, so that he can change back into Super Steve.
Everyone gathers at the table, suspenseful music playing. Patrick is pissed off already, and they haven’t even said anything yet. WTF? This guy has anger management issues. Randi tells her family that Steve has asked her to marry him. They just look at her. Since further clarification is apparently needed, she explains that they are, in fact, engaged. Silence. Is that a vein in Patrick’s forehead? Bobby, the brother who hasn’t said anything so far… doesn’t say anything. But he looks mad. Finally, dad forces a smile and gives Randi a hug. I guess the news has officially killed breakfast, because everyone gets up and leaves.
Commercial time: “Celebrity Spelling Bee” next week on FOX. Ooookay...
This evening, the families will meet each other, and Randi and Steve will reveal that they are getting married in just three days. Randi’s mother reveals that she is worried about Steve’s family being “hippies”. Catherine, honey, after tonight, hippies will be the least of your fears.
During the get-to-know-each-other party, Steve tells Bruce that he and Randi haven’t been intimate yet. Bruce doesn’t know why Steve is telling him this, but appears to be relieved nonetheless. Steve’s father, Rich, tells Bruce all about his drinking problem, and how he urinated on his mother-in-law. Bruce nods politely and tries to escape, apparently not as relieved by Rich’s news as he was by Steve’s. Kristina, Steve’s sister, pretends to hang herself with her lei.
Things only get better from there; next follows the belching contest, where Randi proudly demonstrates her new talent, and Steve and his friend Jimmy are persuaded to do “the moose” meaning they lift up their shirts and stick their hands out at their sides like antlers. Then Steve shoves his gut in Melanie's face and makes moose sounds. I love it.
Since Randi’s whole family is now shocked and offended, it's the perfect time to piss them off even more by dropping the bomb. A toast is called for, and Randi and Steve make their way to the front of the room. The suspense grows, the music becomes more urgent, and... the moment you've all been waiting for: Steve happily announces that they are getting married on national television in three days. Catherine immediately says, “No, Randi. Don’t.” Bobby opens his mouth for the first time. Melanie cries. The vein in Pat’s forehead bursts. So... I’m thinking they didn’t take the news as well as Randi had hoped. But maybe that's just me.
Next week: It appears that Steve will do the naked dance for Randi’s father. Stay tuned.