Previously – PINK! I didn’t even watch last week’s installment, but thanks to Bebo’s recap, I know all about the Pink. I wouldn’t bet against Trista having asked him to at least consider a pink tux, but Ryan must be putting his foot down on that one.
After three minutes of the recraps of last week and the precraps of what’s coming up this evening, I’m ready to watch and recap the doings at a public toilet. The sad fact of the matter is, I asked for this. I don’t mean just that I asked to recap this episode, but that I asked for a romance reality TV wedding. Yeah, blame me. (I’m Canadian too.) I was whining about the lack of nuptials after all the kissing, panting, tough decisions and hard choices. It’s a truism because it’s true. Be CAREFUL what you wish for.
So, tonight is Party Night for Trista & Ryan. First up, a Couples Shower, so their TV friends can give them toasters and toaster ovens, china and lingerie from product-placing, department store sponsoring stores like Zellars and Wal-Mart. Also tonight are separate yet simultaneous bachelor and bachelorette parties. Unbelievable. I mean these two? Of all people these two are the last two people on Earth who need to experience more singles. Isn't that what those meat-market shows they were on were all about? Okay, so Ryan didn’t get to choose from a bevy of brain-dead bimbos, but he did slobber over Trista when she was on Bachelor Season 1, and then signed up to try to win her hand. He chose his bimbo, sweated it out waiting for her to choose him back and she did. Can they move on already?
Enough chit-chat, on with the shlock to which we were subjected.
We finally get started meeting the people playing the roles of Ryan & Trista’s friends. Sure, okay, some of them were definitely not hot enough looking that they convinced even me they might actually be real life friends from the couple’s real life lives pre-Bachelor/ette. Actually, most of them are kinda ugly and not hot.
“It’s a dream bachelor and bachelorette parties coming up,” says R.L. Trista friend Sara, expertly mangling the English language. Ryan’s friend Russ from the Bachelorette DRs something stupid about there being lots of great people. Camera pans to PigBlob Guiney, already busy cheek-kissing every single woman in the room. What? Blob is already kissing other women? Oh right, this trek to St. Maarten took place before the public knew about Estella, maybe even before PigBlob himself knew whom he was going to pick. Ach, who cares?
Oh yeah, usually I use the term DR (“diary room”) to indicate confessionals. However, thanks to the inanity of most of the DR chatter of tonight’s participants, welcome newly minted term “NVA,” which stands for No Value Added.
Shannon from Bachelor Season 1 quite earnestly says Ryan’s friends are hot. No, Shannon, they are not hot. Hardly anyone in the entire episode is hot. Anyone hot gets next to no facetime, having to vacate centre-stage to Trista’s stupid gawping piehole. I’m sick of her and she hasn’t even arrived at the party yet. I believe every galpal and even most of the strippers were hand-picked by Trista specifically to be less hot than herself. Ryan’s friends coincidentally are also not hot. Unless by “hot” Shannon literally meant ‘on fire.’
The guests of honor finally arrive by life raft; I so want to find the joke in that. Something about a sinking ship, their love, and the amount of time left for media whoredom. If you can think of one, by all means, post and tell us. Yeah, let’s have an Impromptu Hawkeye 10, shall we? That was Question 1 (write a joke about the life raft), and Question 2 is, name something to do at a Couples Shower party that would be fun to watch on TV. The Hawkeye game is you answer the questions in your post. I admit it will be harder, seeing as how the questions are scattered throughout the recap, and how you didn’t expect to have to do anything other than read, but do your best. I’ve bolded them to help out.
Trista proves it’s her and not a stunt double by greeting everyone in her high-pitched squeal. Ryan is just happy to see that not everything is pink. Trista NVAs that she’s happy to enjoy the resort with her friends. Ryan DRs he’s happy to have his dad, brother and friends here. Segue-tastic or what? Trista and her dad have a few quality moments together for the camera. And hey lookit - she’s wearing a white skirt with her pink top. Mark that down, folks. Not everything in Trista’s wardrobe is pink.
We flashback to the phone conversation between Trista and her dad last episode in which he told her the family is unhappy at not being part of the wedding planning and everything. Just cuz the family isn’t paying for the wedding doesn’t mean they don’t want a say in matters. The folks is gettin’ uppity. Hawkeye Question 3 – should the family just shut up and be grateful or do they have the right to demand a say?
At the beach Dad & Daughter have a quick chat. Trista NVAs that it was great to have a chat. She then Officially Asks Dad to walk her down the aisle. And by “officially” I think she means, “on camera, with tape rolling.”
There’s a lot of drinking going on. I’ll just put it on record that I? Am not drinking. No Snog-N-Sips for me. Or Dipstick-N-Sips. I could totally get sloshed at a game of sipping every time Blob Guiney appears onscreen. The real reason I’m not drinking is I’m not taping the show, because the thought of re-watching it fills me with horror. So I am simply trusting in my own typing skills and in the keen eyes and sarcastic wit of the 25 people scattered around the 6 boards I visit who are still posting about this debacle. So, if I miss anything, you blame those people, mmmkay? Hawkeye Question 4 – Did I miss anything yet?