Girl gets dumped on TV. Girl goes back on TV. Girl meets 25 boys on TV. Girl slides down boy’s pole. Girl and boy declare their love. Girl and boy decide on an intimate wedding in front of a national audience.
I never get tired of reliving that classic tale. At least, that’s what ABC hopes.
Our show introduction promises us fairy tales, friendship, debauchery, conflict, tears, pink, pink, more pink, and multiple “will they or won’t they” moments. We’re also subjected to the past seven months of media whoredom. Ryan admits it’s been hard “balancing the fire job”. He also vows that they won’t be having a Strawberry Shortcake wedding. Don’t be too sure, Fire Job Boy.
This isn’t going to just be a summary. This is also an instructional guide on the intricate process of planning a wedding. Along the way, I’ll be introducing you to various rules that apply to wedding planning.
Rule #1: Wedding planners don’t look like JLo unless you’re in the movies. Except that real wedding planners may also have big asses.
Meet Mindy – wedding planner, name dropper. While she and Trista talk, it sounds like they’re on helium.
Rule #2: Girls plan weddings from birth. Guys plan weddings when girls tell them to.
After Mindy drops a few names and Trista says “pink” a few dozen times, Trista pulls out her wedding book. No, the wedding book was not just a made-up object for obsessive Monica on “Friends”. Most girls have been working on their wedding book in one form or another for decades. You know how the girls were separated from the boys in fourth grade to discuss “the facts of life”? Yup, girls were shown how to put together a wedding book. Trista points out all of the things that she would love if only they were pink. After discussing how much pink they can insert into the wedding, Trista and Mindy settle on the wedding colors.
QUIZ! The wedding colors are: a) red, white, and blue. b) green, orange, and purple. c) pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, black, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, white, pink, pink, pink, and pink.
Since Trista got to pick her wedding color, she decides that the first meeting went well. It’s time to introduce Ryan to the wedding planner. He’s engrossed in making a peanut butter sandwich. She pours on the baby talk as she asks if it’s for her. Baby talk don’t work on our boy, and he decides to eat the sandwich himself. Enjoy it while you can, Ryan – this is the last decision you’ll get to make for yourself for awhile (like the rest of your life!). I think this moment was included in the program to remind us that Ryan does indeed have a spine.
Trista and Ryan get in the limo to meet Mindy, who greets them both with a big hug. Mindy has set up a team of designers and tells Ryan that this will be fun. The look on Ryan’s face suggests that getting mugged would be more fun.
Rule #3: Brides say they want the groom to have fun during wedding planning. Of course, they are using the obscure meaning of the word fun…the one that refers to being led around the nose and having no input whatsoever.
First stop, Mark the florist. He did the flowers for Charlie Sheen’s latest wedding, Adam Sandler’s wedding, blah blah blah. The only thing that they have in common with Trista is no acting ability whatsoever. Isn’t Trista lucky to have someone like him handling her flowers? But I digress. Mark has some table arrangements set up for Trista and Ryan to see. “I think this is great,” Trista says. Finally, she remembers that there are two people in this couple, takes Ryan’s arm, and says “we”. Yeah, hon. I heard him piping up loud and clear. Not. Mark is quick to ask Trista for her opinions and offer suggestions, such as trailing ivy along the tables. (After all, it’s not like people are going to want to be able to put food on their plates, so they can just enjoy having foliage trail in their salmon or whatever.) At one point, Ryan rolls his eyes and says, “I’m here too, Mark.”
When Mr. B and I got engaged, one of his friends sent him a card. Basically, the card said the day was all about me, and that the groom was just Rentalboy. At this point, I want to send this card to Ryan. He hasn’t been clued in just yet.
Rule #4: Think pink is a good wedding color? Watch “Steel Magnolias” again to see how too much pink can be oh, so wrong.
Trista likes the table arrangement that is…you guessed it, pink. Ryan shows the incredible compromising skills needed to marry a princess when he asks for some white and silver tables “for him”. I’m picturing it now…40 pink tables, with a white table and a silver table crammed in the corner near the kitchen. Yup, that’s what’s gonna happen. If anyone doubts that, I’d just like to remind you of Mark’s response to Ryan’s statement. “Oh, you’re going to be there?” Poor Ryan resists the urge to take one of those table arrangements and give Mark a reception he’d never forget.
Easy wedding tip: If you’d like to have as much pink as Trista, but don’t have a major network footing the bill for your wedding, buy a couple of bottles of Pepto-Bismal and calamine lotion and splash them on the walls. You’ll get the same effect. Make sure to keep extra bottles of Pepto around for your guests. They’ll thank you later.