Warning: This summary contains offensive language, violence, graphic descriptions of sexual acts, and other comments designed to equally offend everyone. If you weren’t offended by this summary, then write one yourself! You have been warned. No persons, clowns, Tigers, or Evil Berts were harmed in the writing of this summary, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying.
Okay, the popcorn is popped, the Coca-Cola is poured, and I’m ready to sit back and watch the Championship! I am almost as excited as the gallery at the 18th green. An old man in a green jacket intones “Fore, please! Tiger Woods now drivin’.” Tiger tees off and the last group is on the course-- wait a minute… oh, sorry, you were expecting the Combat Missions team championship. Well, there IS some green here, too… Lets see, there’s some former Green Berets, some green combat fatigues, and some rather green looking food in the mess hall.
As Combat Missions shows its opening credits, one of the contestants yells “Are you not en-ter-tained?!?!” No, we’re not en-ter-tained. We’re morbidly fascinated by this program, some of us tuning it to see just how ineptly a military mission can be carried out, some of us tuning in to enjoy Scott Helvenston rant and rave and generally make a cl…clump of himself. (No, I wouldn’t call him a clown… that would be insulting to the clowns! And you never know if one of them is loaning Evil Bert a flamethrower…)
Entertained? Yeah, right.
This episode is brought to you by the letters “N”(-word), “F”(-word), “O.R.P.”, the numbers “955” and “50”, the words “clump”, “championship” and “teammate!”(note the exclam), a lot of yelling, several MB ironic moments, and some very bad flute playing.
Evolution 13 – The Team Championship – Bravo (6-0) v. Delta (5-1)
A new opening scene! Dexter Fletcher is playing his flute. It’s a quality of sound that reminds one of the samurai of Japanese music, discordant and reaching. Remember how Jody Taylor told us that Dexter’s true calling is porn movies? Well, the Lady Major, “B.J.” Myers, is finding that out. As Dexter plays his musical instrument, “B.J.” is using her lips on Dexter’s “flute”, her blonde hair cascading down her shoulders... No wonder his music is so discordant! The notes get higher and higher and higher, reaching a crescendo, then suddenly drop back down… oh, sorry, that didn’t really happen, just wishful thinking on my part to add a bit of excitement to this otherwise dull, dry and dusty show.
“FALL IN!!!” yells the voice of Sgt. Maj. Voiceover. The two tribes, er… make that squads, fall into place. Should I skip this part? Wait! Someone is not there! Baz reports “one man er… injured.” The shocked Sergeant Major asks what’s up. Baz looks embarrassed.
Okay, if you can’t guess who the one guy not falling in happens to be, then you need to be locked into a room and given a thorough indoctrination of the OutfrontGirl Theory. Yes, that’s right, our missing soldier is none other than Scott Helvenston! He’s apparently upset about something. We can tell because he’s ranting and raving. The teams fall back out as Delta tries to get Helvenston calmed down. In confessional, Baz says he should have seen this coming and done something about it. Hey Baz, maybe a blanket party might have helped? Maybe a crowbar? Fletcher’s flute? (either one…)
Kain, the Bravo leader, is ticked off because everything is halted just because of one man. Meanwhile, cut to Helvenston talking to Baz. Apparently Helvenston is not happy about Winn’s performance level. “He’s a clump!” says Helvenston. I’m not sure what that means, but at least it’s not the “N”-word… and with the way Mark Burnett treats black men on his reality TV shows, you never know what might be said next.
Winn enjoys Helvenston’s discomfiture from a distance as Helvenston uses words that cannot be repeated on a family website like this one. Even Evil Bert covers his ears as Helvenston introduces us to new meanings of the “F”-word. Helvenston is saying that he won’t play the f-ing game, he won’t toe the f-ing party line. Baz is trying to calm him down.
On the other side, Bravo is really enjoying this display. They think it’ll help them win, and they’re drawing energy from it.
Let me just tell you now, MB has filled this episode with ironic, hypocritical statements by these contestants. The first we are treated to is from Helvenston: “I’m psychologically disturbed.” says Helvenston. Why Dr. Scottie H. Freud, what an observation!
Baz talks to Winn. “I know you’ll do the right thing.” Baz tells Winn. I’m not sure what that means, but Winn sees Major “B.J.” Myers walking by and asks to borrow Dexter’s flute. Meanwhile, Helvenston is so upset that he hand-climbs two ropes, going 15 feet up and doing a flip. “That’s the energy we need!” says one of his Delta teammates. Baz moseys on over to Helvenston and tells Scott that Winn is willing to air things out. Winn brings a little table out and sets it in front of him like some kind of pulpit. Helvenston starts ranting at Winn, saying something about “Wild Bill” (Nissan, the new man on the team) being there only one day and putting out.
“Well?! Why haven’t you put out yet, teammate!?!” yells Helvenston. “Because I don’t have a pu$$y like you to put out with, little girl!” replies Winn.
No, he didn’t really say that… one of those cases of me hearing what I want to hear. Winn does say “Come to me man-to-man! Don’t scream like a little girl!” Winn advances on Helvenston, who backs off, looking for his mommie’s skirts to hide under, a worried look on his face. “I’m no pushover!” continues Winn, “You yelling like you’re somebody! You come to me man-to-man!” Helvenston has shut up and is about to run away like the coward he is, but then DARNIT! we go to commercial…
Back from the commercial, Helvenston finally says “I don’t want you on the team.” Winn yells back “Well, I don’t want YOU on the team!” Unfortunately for Winn, this is a Mark Burnett show, so the black man has to be shown up. To that effect, Baz and the others start giving Winn a hard time about not being a team player. Winn, who was probably briefed during the commercial, says he’s for the team. In fact, he gets all contrite and apologetic. “I hope you forgive me.” Winn says to the team. Baz offers Helvenston the last word. “Scott, you get the last word.” says Baz.
Another MB Ironic Moment: “I don’t have anything to say.” says Helvenston. About friggin’ time, Scottie-boy! Scottie walks off, getting out of there before Winn does to him what Spicer did to Helvenston last week.
Cut to Bravo in their tent, enjoying the whole thing. The Sgt. Major goes in to give them a timetable update. Bravo asks if a mediator has been brought in. As usual, the Sgt. Major misses giving a potentially humorous reply, but Bravo says “Bring in someone from KinderCare!”, drawing laughs.
Baz talks to Helvenston some more to calm him down. Helvenston finally says “Okay, we’ll play, and we’ll bring the clump along with us.”
TREEMAIL!!! Jump into the water But don’t touch the dock, Or Sgt. Major Voiceover Just might clean your clock!
Fifty points we are meting, It’s important, as you know, Because we keep on repeating That the loser leaves the show.