Oh boy, yet another exciting edition of Combat Missions! Yeah, about as exciting as watching fresh paint dry. The routine is starting to set in, and it shows in the quality of play. Would anyone rather read an Iron Chef summary?
Evolution 9 – Bravo (4-0) vs. Alpha (1-3)
The squads fall in, and I notice that they are all wearing Tilley Hats! They are wearing the wide brimmed hats not only to protect them from the hot desert sun, but to shield their faces as much as possible from the cameras.
Col. Rudy tells us that Spicer is the new Alpha squad leader. The new guy, Sirker, is introduced. He has had the job of being Yasser Arafat’s bodyguard in the past, and they show a picture of them together. In view of the present political climate in the Middle East, not to mention the state of war the United States is presently in, Sirker may be the only guy out there who is actually better off being here at Combat Missions.
Time for MB’s theme! Col. Rudy in a confessional: “Alpha squad is a good squad. All the men are Navy SEALs except Jackson.” To emphasize the point, Jackson is called into the colonel’s office and asked how he feels about being the only SWAT in a squad full of SEALs. Jackson most wisely tells the Navy SEAL veteran Col. Rudy that being with SEALs is the greatest thing since Heather the Medic Babe came to camp! Col. Rudy beams and dismisses Jackson. This of course begs the question “Why is Jackson on this show?” He’s way too smart to be here…
In Bravo, Sirker is put in “Jody’s World”, and we get a boring recap of Jody being there. Fletcher shows Sirker some of his (Fletcher’s) buff photos. Sirker: “When one man shows another man pictures like these, it’s disturbing.” Nuff said. Sirker, would you care to write these summaries? Please? Pretty please?
Alpha’s Johnson is saying how Bravo’s perfect record is just luck. Spicer warns him not to underestimate Bravo. I’m figuring out that MB shows us this inane dialog to make the missons more exciting. Hell, watching some Georgia Tech geek try to ask out a UGA sorority babe would be less painful than this stuff. But I digress.
Sgt. Maj. Voiceover, who speaks in voiceovers no matter if he’s on camera or not, cannot conceal his contempt for the injured-and-dismissed Jody as he (the SGM) tells what an asset to the squad Sirker would be. Meanwhile, Col. Rudy tells Sirker that if Bravo fails, everyone will blame Sirker, just because. MB foreshadowing? MB? Really? You make the call.
First challenge – a rope climb with a 40 lb. rucksack, then fire a weapon (no particular target, just fire the thing). Sure enough, all of Bravo struggles, but guess who they emphasize having trouble climbing? If you said Sirker, you may graduate to a better reality show (if one exists!). If you missed, those UGA Sorority Babes are looking at you as if you’re a Georgia Tech geek.
By the way, Alpha annihilated Bravo 5-0 on targets to win all of 25 big points. Same stuff, different day.
More interlude: A shot of Col. Rudy as a young sailor in the Navy, followed by Jackson telling how great it is to be around SEALs, telling what SEALs do, etc. The other squad members wax eloquent on the SEAL philosophy not to leave a man behind.
No SEAL has ever been left behind, alive or dead. After this show, however, that policy is being reconsidered.
A shot of the Camp Brainstorm fence with a big “KEEP OUT” sign fills the TV screen, causing me to ask “Just who in the hell wants to get IN there?” Then again, maybe the sign faces inward, telling the participants to keep out of the real world.
Second challenge, the infamous “Double Pit Cross.” Okay, I said “infamous” to make it sound like there is a shred of excitement in there somewhere. The Lady Major (Major Myers is her name), doesn’t have her BDU jacket on (BDU = Battle Dress Uniform, the camoflage field uniform they’re wearing). With just her T-Shirt on, the Lady Major is attempting to show us that she’s got bOObs.
Sarah, you’ve nothing to worry about.
The contestants run over obstacles to traverse one pit of water, then swim through the lake, put on backpacks, then do the whole course again. It’s Bravo in a pre-mission competition. Who loses?
If you said “Bravo”, you get to watch Sarah. If you didn’t, you get the Lady Major. 50 points for Alpha.
New scenery: Heather trying to give Jackson a haircut. Spicer has had enough and takes the shears away from Heather and finishes Jackson’s haircut. Heather is not pleased that her air time has been cut, so MB gives her a confessional to make up for it. What did she say? Don’t worry, it didn’t matter.
If you want to look good, We suggest you leave now, But if you want to shed blood, We’ll gladly show you how.
You’re going to rappel, And destroy satellite dishes, And if you do really well, You stay despite your wishes.
Okay, the mission involves terrorists with MISSILES inside a HANGAR. Can you guess the name of the mission, boys and girls? If you said “MISSILE HANGER”, you can name a Survivor episode! If you didn’t, take MB 101 with the Georgia Tech geeks.
The mission involves getting a computer missile guidance system from the hangar, cutting the satellite and wiring it with explosives, rappelling into the hangar, and killing the enemy while the helicopter lands to pick you up at the front door.
Cut to a scene of Camp Brainstorm. There is a guard in the watch tower. I’ll bet this CM gig is just the highlight of his life.
Interlude: Alpha revels in being 75 points up. Bravo moans about it. I wonder who’ll win? (Don’t peek! Wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise!)
Sgt. Major Voiceover tells us: “Bravo, you’ll go first. Alpha will run the mission later!” Well, DUH! Geez, the things MB teaches us! Even the Georgia Tech geeks stand a chance to learn something… naah, never mind.
They land on the roof. I guess the terrorists are all deaf, since they don’t hear a LOUD helicopter land RIGHT ON THE ROOF! But I digress. Bravo then learns that there is an ATF agent in the building. His name is Todd Nelson, 5’10”, receding hairline, moustache, wearing glasses. In a related story, the OPFOR Shadow Squad members are the Nelson Quintuplets. They all have receding hairlines, glasses, moustaches, etc.
Not that it’s going to matter. Bravo rappels down, charges the bad guys, and promptly kills the ATF agent along with everyone else. Bravo loses three guys, but get the guidance system, and get on the helicopter to ride home. Oh, and they bring the wrong bad guy out, thinking he’s the ATF agent. Nice try, guys. On the way, they blow up the satellite dish. No practical value, but spectacular to get on camera. Hmmm, is MB a cable guy, perchance?
As promised, Alpha goes next. Zundel, “The German”, rappels down and winds up with a bloody face. Seems his weapon hit him on the way down. That’s the story anyway, although the truth may be that the Basher Babes got to him as he tried to defend Sarah.
After all the shooting, the ATF agent has run away (smart guy!), Johnson, Jackson, Spicer and the German are all “dead.” I’ll bet this is going to be detrimental to their mission success, and I know this because the sad bugle music plays as Oates, the only man left alive, secures the guidance system and runs to the chopper.
Both tribes… er, squads, think they may have lost. In a moment that certainly cannot be foreshadowing, Jackson confesses that he might be out, since he’s the only SWAT and the other guys are SEALs.
Mission results: Bravo 760, Alpha 720. Col. Rudy gives Alpha 10 minutes to pack, but his watch is NOT run by the Energizer Bunny, so 10 minutes is at least 1 hour. Col. Rudy suggests that Jackson is out because the SEALs are so loyal to one another. At that point I know Jackson is safe because Col. Rudy is always wrong in his predictions (see earlier episodes regarding Potter, etc.) Col. Rudy is not going to score well on the SB Tribe voting.
Spicer wants the original Alphas to stay. Johnson, the non-original guy, asks if his leaving would be more detrimental than someone else going, clearly implying Jackson. Spicer brutally breaks him down, telling him that his leaving is no worse than anyone else. OUCH! But finally! Something resembling FUN on this show!
More sad bugle music in the discharge room. Why is the camera focusing on the “NAVY SEAL” and “SWAT” nametags on the uniforms? I sure wish they’d focus on the Lady Major’s chest that way.
Johnson is waxed. As he leaves, he foregoes the normal hugging that they normally do. No, that’s NOT a complaint! Perhaps Johnson can get together with Hunter and commiserate. The rest of the 4 Alphas remaining go straight to the Snake Pit as the other squads run off.