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Road Rules: South Pacific - Episode 14 Summary

'All Night Long' By AyaK

With Donell finally gone, Chris and Dave speculate about his replacement. They expect that they’ll get another guy, and it bugs them that he’ll recieve the “handsome reward” for just being there a week if they can complete two more missions successfully, while they’ve had to put up with a boatload of conflict and strife to get this far ... thanks to the late, unlamented Donutman.

The new guy is Jeremy, from Parma Heights, Ohio, a suburb of Cleveland. Parma Heights is famous to anyone who ever heard the late Ernie Anderson’s Ghoulardi TV show. “Ghoulardi” used to ridicule the people who live in Parma Heights relentlessly. According to him, people from Parma Heights thought they were high class because they wore white crew socks with stripes on top, not just plain white socks.

Jeremy, however, seems to be a typical young person looking to have a good time. The psychodrama that has been so much a part of the Roadies doesn’t interest him at all … and unlike Donell, no one is going to have to help him climb any hills, because he’s full of energy. He had just returned to the U.S. from a month in Europe when he was invited to join Road Rules. He would’ve stayed overseas longer, but the Europeans kicked him out when they found out he was from Parma Heights.

The Roadies are invited to a local barbeque and party, which gives them a chance to meet Jeremy casually. Rats, Donell’s not on the menu. I thought maybe the producers had turned him over to the locals, which would certainly warrant a celebration.

Mary Beth particularly likes Jeremy, because he’s hypnotized by her enormous bOObs wiggling in front of his eyes. He spends most of his time at the party artlessly hitting on her. Siliconegirl is finally being recognized, and she’s thrilled. Perhaps not too thrilled, though, when Jeremy drinks himself into a stupor and passes out. Heck, Mary Beth didn’t have to come to Tahiti to find drunks who wanted to hit on her; she could have found them back in the trailer park.

Memo to Jeremy: you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Then again, who says he’d do better with a second chance? If it walks like a drunk and quacks like a drunk, it’s a drunk.

Ghoulardi would be so pleased with Jeremy.

The Roadies return to the RV. There’s a message on the computer, telling them that they have a mission tomorrow. With Jeremy out, the psychodrama energy begins to rise. They worry about his ‘fit’ as a replacement. They worry about his responsibility. They worry about his maturity. They worry about their ongoing interpersonal dramas. However, they don’t worry about the part of the message that tells them they should get a lot of rest tonight before the mission tomorrow. Sleep is for people not part of the psychodrama, like Jeremy. The five of them end up pulling an all-nighter. So much for Donell being the one who didn’t follow the instructions.

At the mission site, the Roadies learn that they’re facing off against … the crew from Road Rules Campus Crawl (aka Road Rules 11, the previous series). Everyone from Campus Crawl except for Eric is there: Darrell, the beautiful Kendal, Rachel (the lesbian), Raquel (the non-lesbian), Sarah and Shane. And what’s the mission? The two teams will play games (left over from I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!, I think) over the next 48 hours, with NO SLEEP, and the winner of the most games wins. Each team is given a video camera, and if they tape anyone on the other team closing their eyes for more than 5 seconds, that person is booted from the mission. For each game won, the team gets a Tiki – and, at the end, the team with the most Tikis gets $12,000 and wins the mission.

Stay awake for the next 48 hours. No sleep. South Pacific freaks and tells Campus Crawl that they just pulled an all-nighter last night, so they’ll have to be up for 72 hours at the end … if they make it. Duh. Campus Crawl crowds around the videocamera, so that they all know how to work it.

Campus Crawl lost, in humiliating fashion, in their own face-off during RR11 against the media hos of The Real World: Las Vegas, and they don’t want to slip to 0-2. South Pacific wants their “handsome reward.” So we have two teams with LOTS of incentive. And, of course, there’s the $12K … enough to pay for one night of Jeremy’s drinking. Maybe.

First task: paint henna tattoos on the bodies of one male and one female from each team, symbolizing something about the team. Most creative design wins. South Pacific picks Dave and Mary Beth. Campus Crawl picks Shane and Rachel. Christena jokingly suggests to Mary Beth that they need a bigger surface to work on, so she should pose topless. Whip! Mary Beth drops her top faster than you can say Siliconegirl. Dave notices. Jeremy notices. The sand is being moistened with drool. Tina, who has to paint, can’t bitch, because Mary Beth is “just helping the team.” She can’t plaster herself to Dave, because his tattoos have to dry. Everyone helps paint the bOObs. Tina is not pleased.

Time to show off the designs. Campus Crawl goes first. Shane has what looks like a phallic symbol painted on him. I think it’s supposed to symbolize what a dick he was during Campus Crawl, but I’m not sure. Then it’s South Pacific’s turn. Mary Beth comes out topless. Sarah’s jaw drops off her mouth and clanks across the ground. The women of Campus Crawl know when they’re overmatched. Score one for plastic surgery and Siliconegirl. South Pacific 1 – Campus Crawl 0.

Raquel decides to target the most irresponsible guy on the other team, trying to trick him into sleeping. She picks … Jeremy, who looks hung over because, of course, he is. She’s going to flirt with him, see if she can get him to trust her enough that he closes his eyes while she "watch<es> out for other people", and then film him and get him booted. Nice to see that sweet little Raquel hasn’t shed any of her backstabbing ways since Campus Crawl finished. Flirt, flirt, DIE, SUCKA! She continues to live up to her image as the “girlfriend from Hell.”

Zzzzzzzzzzzz …. Hey, it’s the Roadies who can’t sleep, not the audience, and this face-off is about as exciting as watching the World Crossword Puzzle Championship. Finally, it’s time for the next game – building a house of cards. Pure, unadulturated drama, isn't it? First, the Roadies have to build the foundation. When the foundation is built, the teams alternate putting cards on top. When one of the cards ruins the house, that player’s team loses. The game sounds idiotic. We’re assured that it’s difficult, but who really cares? Zzzzz.

South Pacific also thinks the game is stupid. Nevertheless, the house goes up. Cards keep going on. Another layer done. Kendal adds a card, no problem. Then it’s Chris’s turn. He’s clearly having trouble trying to place the card. Tina moves into bitchy mode and sharply tells him where to put the card. He and the others ignore her. The ghetto starts to bleed through Tina’s pores, as she makes Cara look sweet by comparison. Chris places the card. Oops! There goes the house. South Pacific 1— Campus Crawl 1.

Tina’s meltdown helps Campus Crawl gain confidence, if you can really gain confidence from winning at building a house of cards, for pity’s sake. What’s next, tiddlywinks? Marbles? Competitive solitaire? Tune in for more “thrilling” competition next time.

Next week: Raquel’s plot against Jeremy comes to fruition. Can he really be that gullible? Oh, that’s right, he’s from Parma Heights.

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