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On with the crap.
AMERICA’S GOT TALENT Episode 1: Let the Freakshow Begin
Since this is an entirely new show bringing a completely fresh concept to reality television, it seemed appropriate to do some research so that we can truly appreciate this original phenomenon. America’s Got Talent is the brainchild of Randolph Hickney of Mascoutah, Ohio. Randolph - “Dandy Randy” to his closest friends - pitched the idea to Simon Cowell of American Idol fame.
Being the cutthroat media mogul that he is, Cowell had Dandy Randy tied up and thrown over a bridge somewhere in Manitoba. Then Cowell championed the concept as his own and, through sheer masculine willpower, forced NBC to agree to put the show on TV. Oddly enough, Simon was unable to get FOX to put it on as a natural follow-up to American Idol. Imagine that – being rejected by FOX! You know right there that this show is going to suck in ways never seen before.
Now that we’ve discovered who’s responsible for this, let’s take a look at the local talent that they’ve dredged up to play the parts of host and judges:
The Host is Regis Philbin.
Some of you may nod appreciatively because you think of Regis as an old favorite uncle. You’re delusional. Go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air. Mr. Philbin is an untalented, unfunny goblin who must be using magic powers to extort people into allowing him to stay in show business. There simply is no other explanation for it. If this show fails, it will fail because of his presence.
The judges are Piers Morgan, David Hasselhoff, and Brandy.
Piers Morgan is the obligatory British person for this reality show. He is also a no-account vagabond who just got out of rehab. Apparently, he worked on some little tabloid over there in Liverpool. If he’s half as snide as Simon Cowell, we’ll be satisfied.
Ugh. Take a look at the weird distortion on Hasselhof’s picture. This will be a continuous issue as the hideous scars from his numerous face lift surgeries would otherwise scare off children. By the way, writing Hasselhof’s name is a pain in the ass, so we’re going to refer to him as Hassomescars from now on. Maybe just Scar. Whatever.
Brandy? Isn’t she the woman who did that Cinderella movie with Whiteny Houston a few years back? Yeah, that’s an A-list celeb right there. Obviously, she has been put here to try to fill the Paula Abdul slot of useless insights and fake appreciation.
Now for the premise of the show: People with a variety of “talents” will perform before the judges who will narrow the field down until viewers pick their favorite performer who will eventually be awarded $1 million. According to the NBC website, this will include ”…singers, dancers, animal acts, bizarre novelty acts, magicians, comedians, belly dancers...all ages....” Of course once you turn eighty, you are no longer a belly dancer - you’re a bizarre novelty act.
Two questions pop right up. First, how can you possibly compare a singer and a bizarre novelty act (William Hung notwithstanding)? Second, won’t we get tired of seeing the talking dog after the second week? Y’know, some of these may be amazing at first glance, but then they become incredibly passé overnight. So what will the draw be as the season goes on? Trapdoor elimination sounds like a good idea. Or catapults. Maybe they’ll catapult the bad acts into giant vats of pudding with David Letterman’s Will It Float? girls standing nearby.
Now that we’ve set the scene for you, let’s take a peek at the first installment of this bizarre experiment.