Previously on the Surreal Life: Well you can catch that here from me.
I’m sorry for keeping you waiting this long for a new summary. Bystander was scheduled for episode 3, but real life stepped in. I volunteered for episode 4 and episode 3, if necessary, but then real life stepped in and slowed me down. Then, of course, a combination my own laziness, VCR conflicts and trying to watch this week’s Big Two (Survivor and The Amazing Race) didn’t help. (Now you know why the Episode 2 summary was up on that Sunday before about 6:00....)
With that out of the way, here are the crazies if you’re just joining us:
• Sherman Helmsley, most notably known as George Jefferson in The Jefferson’s.
• C. C. Deville, guitarist for the mid-80’s rockers, Poison.
• Tawny Kitaen, vixen from the Whitesnake video, actress in Bachelor Party, and hostess of America’s Funniest People.
• Steve Harwell, front man for current rock and rollers, Smashmouth.
• Andrea Lowell, Playboy cover girl and talent on Playboy TV.
• Alexis Arquette, from the Hollywood Arquettes (David’s brother), male transgendering into female, pure shock value personality for the house.
• Maven (Huffman), male winner of the original WWE Tough Enough, released from WWE last year. (Cost cutting move)
...and also the resident shrink, Florence Henderson, as Dr. Flo. She apparently has some training in hypnotherapy. She doesn’t live in the house, but stops by daily for advice and whatnot.
Alright then, on to Episode 3!!!!!
We start with the hotel sign saying, “complimentary wake-up call” which involves C. C. rocking out very loudly with his guitar at a very early time for this bunch. Steve is the only one who doesn’t seem to mind, due to the fact he usually does that, as well.
Rut-ro! Alexis storms off to the phone to call her roommate, (male) and basically c-t’s that she’s ready to bust some heads. (killing if necessary) Apparently she’s blowing off some steam about the video from last week. (episode 2 for those keeping score) They were all supposed to dance in a circle around the camera man so they’d all get some screen time in one scene, but instead they all stood wherever they were at and postured for the camera, and Alexis didn’t want any part of it.
Alright it’s paper time! “Surreal Life Makes News” The cast will head down to San Luis Obispo and will be greeted by the news crew at KSBY Action News, where they will have an inside look at what the news is like in Small Town, USA. Up pulls a Madden Cruiser-esque bus, which will be used to transport them down to the town. Alexis states that the last time she was on one of these buses, she was (censored) Marilyn Manson. Way too much information, thank you very much. C.C. states that this is a short bus? (I think I’d hate to see a bigger bus coming up in my rear view mirror!)
On the way down Alexis explains all about herself, and what being transgendered is all about. This is because Tawny doesn’t want to judge her. (This? Coming from the person who called the Playboy model a slut for diving in the pool naked last week??? Yes!) Alright, the main difference is a transvestite is a gay man dressing up in women’s clothing, while a transgender is a male trapped in a female body, or vice versa.
C.C. is wondering if they’re really going to a news station. (Oh yeah, he’s a bright one! Like they’d drop them off at a backlot with a news station sign instead of a real working one…. Oh yeah, they might, because some of the previous casts didn’t play well with outsiders……) Alexis states that they’d never let any of them on camera, think about it. C.C. suspects it’ll be just like Disneyland, where they’ll work in a pseudo newsroom and get their own copy of the news to put on a tape. (Disneyland? Try almost every museum, theme park and Science Center!) They’ve arrived and Dr. Flo is waiting for them. (Someone did mention on the main discussion thread that she’s acting very much like a cast member, but doesn’t want to be associated with the S-listers, so they gave her the “Dr.” title so she didn’t have to live with the bunch.)
They go to the board room and find the producing crew and the President of the station who will give out the assignments. Typically they’re the news, but today, they’ll be making the news product. It will be live that day at 6:30pm. Alexis will be the Executive Producer. She states “God forbid, they put a tranny on camera in San Luis Obispo!” Flo will be Co-Anchor, Sherman will be Weatherman, and C.C. will be the Sports Anchor. Now there’s two teams of in-the-field reporters/field producers: Andrea and Steve on a story at a vineyard, and Tawny and Maven on a story about a missing weathervane. Alexis c-t’s that she’s afraid the station’s gonna get shut down, and the cast will be kicked out of the country and labeled as terrorists. After hearing about all of the duties that she has to perform as executive producer, she c-t’s that she was going to bolt. C.C.’s story is about the UFC light-heavyweight champion, Chuck Lidell, Sherman went looking for catering, stating “When in doubt, eat!” (nice motto! )
The crew reminds Alexis that the winery reporting team shouldn’t be tasting wine on the air. (It’s not professional…. And having these guys doing the reporting isn‘t?????)
C.C. plans on doing the interview first, then getting in the ring with Chuck showing him the thing that made him famous, running away!!!! *snicker*
Tawny’s struggling as the reporter for “Team Weathervane”. She keeps calling it a “watervane.” She’s having difficulty getting the word “investigation” out of her mouth. Maven c-t’s that, basically, she’s clueless!
Andrea’s interviewing the head of the winery and is in the barrel room for the Pinot Noir. They start tasting the wine and Steve asks for the glass (before they turn the camera back on, I think….)
Flo is complaining that she doesn’t have a clue how to use a computer. Alexis states that she doesn’t either, calling both her and Flo “2 cavewomen”
C.C. is in the ring with one of Chuck Lidell’s students, a female who completely kicks his a$$!!!!!
Tawny’s report is looking very pitiful. She tries to have it not be hard hitting, but when you can’t even say the object correctly, you’re in deep trouble.
Andrea’s stomping grapes and drinking more wine, including from the biggest wine glass I’ve ever seen!!! It’s nicknamed the “Glass of Death” (I can see why! If you drink a full glass that size, you’d probably be dead!!!) Thankfully, it’s not very full, but that’s still probably a good amount of wine there! Andrea’s looking mighty drunk, at this point. Steve’s saying “we’re not responsible for the toilet seat that you grab later on.”
Everyone’s rushing back to the station to write their story and edit the video footage that will air on the broadcast.
Tawny’s story is looking worse with each passing minute, now. Maven states that it shouldn’t have been as difficult as it was.
An additional story at the farmer’s market is added at the end and Andrea’s gonna report from there, live! *gulp!*
EVERYONE’S PANICKING! Less than 5 minutes to air, and the crew is scrambling to get everything panicking, including C. C. who’s thinking about taking a drink to calm himself down. (Don’t do it man! You’ll regret it!!!!)
With the clock counting down to the 6:30 news, it’s……. the end of Part one.
On to part two! (Episode 4!)
Everyone is still panicking, except Sherman who finds time to take a nap!!!!
We start with the regular anchor man and Flo as co-anchor. She’s talking about a person in a chicken suit. Tawny’s up next, and it’s not pretty. Her story bombs, she tried to present a substitute ($10) weather vane but Flo notes that the original was around $500. This basically crumbled what was left of Tawny’s house of cards that was her report, and she’s a tad pissed off about that curveball from Flo.
Andrea’s up next, and she’s drunk as a skunk from earlier wine tastings. Fortunately, she introduced the piece very professionally, not even stopping when two drunken idiots rushed the camera shot and started screaming before they were ushered away, quietly. The parts of the story that were shown were done very well and was well received by the other members with Steve stating that she’s probably got another career as a reporter, if she wants it.
C. C. is now up with the sports, and he’s STILL a nervous wreck! He’s sitting on an ice pack, nursing his injuries from taping the report. In the end he tapped out the Liddell school of mixed martial arts. The crew was especially appreciative of his work since it’s the first time he’s worked sober in a long time, if not ever.
Sherman is the last to go with the weather. He tried, he really tried, but, it wasn’t very good. He either missed the cues to change what was on the green screen, or he would flub the lines. A good laugh was had by all. Unfortunately it was at Sherman’s expense.
After the newscast was over, much group picture taking was done with loads of applause for Alexis’s work as the executive producer.
They decided to party afterward at the Mission Grill in downtown San Luis Obispo. Unfortunately the snickers and whispering got to Alexis, and all hell broke loose. (Alexis, you’ve got to learn that outbursts only give the chuckleheads more ammo.) Steve and C.C., who are trying to stay sober, decided to head back to the hotel early before they got drunk and regretted it. Alexis, Andrea and Maven went to a club/bar, where Andrea bared her breasts for the locals. (Where did Sherman, Flo, and Tawny go? Search me! Probably back to their hotels, but who knows….) Alexis went to shut the party down, and then, *ding!* round two began!!! More insults flew, and this time Alexis grabbed a lawn umbrella and threatened a few of the yokels. They laughed it off, but considering their faces weren’t blurred I think that final laugh may yet be Alexis’s when these chuckleheads’ friends and employers see how they treat guests in their town. (At least, I hope.) Maven tries to get Alexis to calm down, and stating that he’s got her back. Alexis realizes now, that this cast is like a family to her and she can trust them.
Next time on the Surreal Life: Each houseguest will have their own talk show! Expect the fur to fly on that one! Bystander will have that one. (I hope!)