Last time on The Contender, two guys fought, one of them won, one of them lost and the loser hung up his boxing gloves symbolizing the end of his career. Or probably not. I mean, these guys are DAWs, aren’t they?
In case somehow we forgot, we’re shown clips of the remaining contenders voting to bring back the world ranked Peter Manfredo, Jr. in a show of stupidity respect. Sorry Sergio, but methinks there is something to the notion that boxers aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. Idjuts. Of course, I’m a bit biased as I wanted to see Ahmed’s so-called pretty face pummeled a second time, but that’s neither here nor there.
We’re treated to the obligatory slow-mo blows to the head and body from last week’s fight, as if we didn’t get enough slow-mo crap during the actual fight. We’re shown Miguel coming on strong less weak than Peter in the opening round(s), and in a display of EPMB’s Jedi mind tricks, the audience miraculously starts chanting “Peter, Peter” right on cue. And in a result that was a surprise to no one with an IQ over 67 (thusly explaining why the contenders were surprised by the result), Peter is victorious in the end, thanks in part to his performance in the final rounds - but thanks mostly to his wife’s ringside ‘motivational speech’, which went something or nothing like this:
“You’ve got to work it, baby. I don’t want no two-time loser for a husband, baby. You’d better win this thing or else you ain’t getting none tonight, baby”.
Not surprisingly (have you seen Peter‘s wife?), Peter came back with a vengeance to win a 48-47 decision. Peter still didn’t get any though - genius forgot that he’s in training. I suppose we now know the real reason these guys take (cold) showers right after their fights.
After the fight, we get to hear from Drunk White Frat Boy (AKA Jesse). What is it with white frat boys who seem to think they‘re everybody‘s bro?
“Dude. Bro. We let a lion back in, dude. Bro!”
DWFB seems to be confusing his big cats. Eye of the lion? Um, no.
We then see a dejected Miguel sobbing uncontrollably and mumbling something about being ashamed that his dad has to go back to work, that his mother has to take the Metro and that he didn’t have Peter’s wife in his corner.
DWFB: “Yeah, bro. You and me both, dude.”
Peter is on cloud nine after the bout. He astutely proclaims this win as his best ever. I think that’s how it always works…everything is the “best ever” until the next one comes along. “Stay tuned next week for the closest fight ever, except for the one last week which was closer”.
Brent, looking inebriated as usual, says “We won!” and flashes an incredibly goofy looking smile at the camera.
Peter says something entirely unintelligible to Rocky, who in turn calls Peter the “real Rocky”, meaning he sucks.
DWFB meets his bro/dude quota within the first five minutes of the show. He says (to someone who may or may not be Joey):
“Bro, the East is on the map”. Yes, DWFB, so is the West and the North and the South. Jeez, these guys are bright, aren’t they?
Meanwhile…back at the ranch, Jimmy explains that they (the east) have four guys and the west has seven., leaving them with three fights left. He orders us to “do the math” even though the math whiz has painstakingly already done it for us. And as if that wasn’t enough of an exertion of brain power, he expounds that if the East were to win the next three, they’d each have won four bouts. Ladies and gentleman, alert the folks at Celebrity Jeopardy cause this man is a freaking genius!
Alfonso (pimping Sierra Mist) and Brent (who is still making DUI-induced faces at the camera) are yakking about Peter and winning. Foreshadowing ever present, Alfonso makes a point to note that Peter said he wanted a rematch …a rematch. Oh the suspense!
Ishe, who seems to think he’s analyzing a basketball game, takes a quote right outta Dennis Rodman‘s autobiography:
“When a true champion loses, it’s not how he loses, it’s how he rebounds…and how he gets drunk and marries a really hot chick”
Peter retires for the night while the other boys stay up gossiping and giving each other makeovers. Somewhere Pretty Boy is admiring his face cursing himself for missing out on all of the fun.