The Benefactor - Episode 1 Summary

'No, Actually Your Game IS Pretty Stupid!' By DarkLotus

TiffanEy (the E is for Early) arrives first. She’s an unemployed former Watermelon queen. Insert your own jokes here. Mario is the 40 something, balding, wants to adopt a kid Mexican guy. He really seems nice, which is going to make it all the sadder when the plug is pulled on him. Grayson, our student/professional poker player arrives next. I fall asleep just listening to her, and she gets the award for worst reality TV name ever. Rich joins the fray. Get a good look at him. He says his wife told him to “Keep his mouth shut and he’d do fine.” CUE SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT!!!

Laurel comes in next, fully clothed, sadly. She says she and Cuban are kindred spirits. Um, OK. Spencer, the Fake Harry Connick Jr arrives next and bores me even more.

We now pause the introductions for more PLOT! While conversing with Laurel about what they’re going to have them do, he mentions that “It’ll probably be stupid.” Which Cuban does NOT like. “Did he just call my game stupid?” Yep, he sure did. Don’t worry, he won’t be the only one by the end of the hour.

Kathy arrives next, and Cuban notes, rather loudly that Spencer does not rise to meet her. Or stand up. Kevin, a NANNY from Dallas and confirmed Opraholic arrives next, followed by Shawn the Troll, a 2nd grade teacher who has already been cast as this year’s villain. Accept your award from Johnny Fairplay at the door. Dominic arrives next, and I’m very impressed. Cuban has found the one person in the world with worse hair than him. Cuban naturally loves him for this. Next to appear is William, our token annoying fat guy, followed by Christine, who will never be seen again this episode. Then Lynda, the Ninth Wonder of the World arrives. She’s a football player from Jersey whose accent is GUARANTEED to piss me off by the end of this crap. She’s followed by LaTane, who grabs Grayson’s “Worst Reality TV name Ever” Award from her and promptly claims it as his own. Well played, LaTane. Next up is Femia, a disease interventionist whose name actually sounds like a disease. Finally, thank God, contestant #16 arrives, Chris, and is promptly never heard from again either.

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General mingling ensues, with Mario getting refreshments, much to the apparent dismay of Cuban (“Who told him he could do that?”) and Dominic getting political asking about the Iraq war. Finally, having surveyed his subjects long enough, Cuban enters to a round of applause and announces “Welcome to the Benefactor! CHAH!!!!” After hitting them with the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT (brak brak brak minute you walk in brak brak brak first impressions), he announces that the first elimination happens RIGHT NOW!

Dun dun dun!

(Insert Commercials Here)

Cuban immediately enters "f*ck with the contestants mode," giving his first impressions of some of the contestants. He calls out Mario first, making him wet himself as Cuban asks, “Who gave you permission to get drinks?” Cuban finally lets him down though, saying it was a risk, and he liked that. Mario passes out from fright. He then calls Dominic on the carpet for talking politics right away, which causes Dominic’s hair to stand even MORE on end than anyone thought possible. But he likes it, and he likes Dominic, so he's not gone.

And now, Rich. “You called my game stupid. Never call my game stupid. You’re outta here.” Rich has to take his bags and go home, the whole time never understanding why he got kicked off already. Because guess what Rich, YOU’RE STUPID. Congratulations, you didn’t even get your 15 minutes.

Mark then announces that it’s time for the one-on-one interviews, and asks for volunteers. Surprisingly, and perhaps out of fear, several hands go up right away. He takes LaTane into his private study as we go to MORE COMMERCIALS! YAY!

I just realized that I spent 2 pages on the first segment and 3 paragraphs on the 2nd. Shows you how much there is to this show once you get past exposition.

We’re back and just in time for the interviews.This is one of the most excruciating parts of the show. So I’ll just give you highlights. LaTane blah blah blah, he stands up to go, only to see Cuban enter mindf*ck mode again. “Did I tell you that you could get up and leave?” LaTane makes a LaStane in his trousers. Then Cuban lets him off. He continues in this mode for a while, as the show becomes a talking head fest. Which is VERY hard to summarize. Dominic and Cuban discuss hair for a while and Cuban gushes over Dominic. I’m sensing a man crush here. Next is Shawn the Troll, who promptly plays the pity card by saying that if she wins the million, she’s going to buy things for the kids in her 2nd grade class. How sweet. She then ruins that sweet image by saying that she’ll do whatever she has to to win. We then get TiffanEy (the E is for Easy) blathering on about her melons and religion or something like that. Spencer is our next victim, and he tells Cuban how much of a risk taker he is, only to turn around and tell him about a risk he DIDN’T take. Good job Spenny. Laurel comes in for her alone time with Cuban, and they discuss her nekkidness as well as her electric guitar playing ability. Cuban tries to get her to play a little air guitar for him, and suddenly our Asian porn star turns all shy and stuff and can’t do it. NO STAIRWAY! DENIED!

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