Why am I here? There are plenty of other shows I could be watching right now. Enterprise, My Wife & Kids, Bernie Mac, Dawson's Creek, Ed, Dream House, a basketball game, a hockey game (at 8:30). Okay, so I'm not really ever going to watch an episode of Dawson's Creek. But every possible demographic that might be interested in Star Search is being catered to by other regular cable shows.
Call it morbid curiousity - to see how lame AssInny gets, to see which barrel they've scraped the bottom of for special guest judges, to hear what idiotic thing Naomi Judd will say next.
Dividends already! Here's another set of "stars" who became famous enough that it's worth mentioning them. Of course, there is no mention of how well these stars did on the show. They might have been eliminated in their first appearance, for all I'll ever know. Audio + Video appearances by LeannRimes, Martin Lawrence, Britney Spears (her career REALLY needs a boost, eh? That's two weeks' worth for that pipsqueak), Brad Garrett being unfunny.
"Wassup?" We Liiiiiiiiiiive." AssInyo is back doing his laaaaame opening stuff. Talk about a career needing a boost. His must be on life-support to have needed to do this gig. He's telling us how stupid hosts are, getting everyone to turn and look at the teleprompter prompting him to say "Hi, I'm AssInYoHall." Apparently last week his name was written phonetically. The self-effacing shtick is always a poor choice. If you're good, why act like you need my reassurance? If you're bad, why give me more ammunition? Isn't it enough that you figured hosting Star Search would be a step up?
The same judges are back. Damn. I was hoping against hope that it might have been a mistake and we'd get a brand new panel. Yet there is something attractively repulsive about their idiotic comments. How groaningly lame can they get tonight?
The special guest judge - "right over dere" says Stoopido Hall, is Lance Bass from N'Sync. He warrants a few "woof-woofs" from the crowd as well as a 'wooo' that sounded more like a boo.
It's been a whole week so Assinyo has to recap last week's winners, who we will see again tomorrow night anyway being recapped all the way through the first semi-finals. Meaghan The Opera Diva and Tiffany From The Van Down By The River.
Now for tonight's junior songbirds.
First up is 13 year old Sebastian, singing a 40 year old's song the title of which escaped me. He has a not unpleasant voice, but it's not gonna win this year. Even if he makes it to the next round, the other semi-finalists have him beat.
Naomi is still the Queen of Lame Comments. She broke my Lame-O-Meter just by showing up tonight.
Naomi - you have your destiny in front of you - 5 (uh, yes, Naomi, he's 13) Ben - too much styling (I agree) - 3 Carol - phenomenal (idiot) - 4 Lance - you got soul - 4 I want to give you 5 but just in case someone else comes who's really something (is this guy a jerk or what? Oh wait, he's a member of N'Sync. Say no more.)
Maridel Terciano is 10 years old but she doesn't have a 10-hanky Tale of Woe. She performs a Leann Rimes song "I Believe." I think Maridel has great potential - needs some work, vocal training, but there is something to work with. I think she'll do well in the long run.
Naomi - thank you gift by giving you 5 stars Ben - this kid has a voice to die for - 5 stars Carol - teeny & talented, it was phenomenal - 4 stars (Okay, what is with "phenomenal"? Has Carol selected that as her "word of the week?") Lance - definitely amazing - 4 stars
18 for her 16 for him. After the ads, find out which one America picks. It might be close, on the one hand she has more potential, on the other hand, there are already two girls in the semi-finals. Will America care? Even without either of them it's already shaping up to be an interesting semi-final, but Maridel might offer more "head-to-head" competition for Tiffany than Sebastian.
I'm all involved - no wonder I tuned in. Instant results! Who could want to pass this sh!t up??
Why does AssInny refer to the Heartland, when only the EastCoasters get to vote? Thankfully they took the envelopes away, instead flashing the final scores in giant numbers behind AssinyoHaul. Lame-o Expert that he is, he finds a new way to be annoying by whining for the techies to "give him some diiiiiigiiiiiits." Maridel wins, 36 to 30.
Assinyo tries to make small-talk with the kids but it's too lame to even take up space transcribing. Major Cringe Points for him.