90 Day Fiance star Ashley Martson is opening up about the tough year she's had with estranged husband Jay Smith and how she still loves him despite all the drama.
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Ashley posted a bathroom selfie from back in May to her Instagram account on Sunday, December 29 in which she was crying and mascara was running down her face.
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"This is as raw and real as I can be. I'm fighting the tears just typing this," Ashley, 33, captioned the throwback photo.
"This year has been tough. This photo was taken accidentally the night of my birthday party in New York City. We had just split and I filed for divorce for the second time."
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Ashley starred on Season 6 of TLC's 90 Day Fiance with Jay, whom she married in 2018. The former couple later appeared on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After?.
Ashley announced in late November she's officially divorcing Jay after he finally agreed to sign the divorce papers.
"The tabloids attacked me at my events all week about my failed marriage. He showed up to my party, unannounced. We were civil and had an appearance the next day so it was okay. He said Happy Birthday," Ashley continued in her Instagram post.
"[Jay] had drinks and hung out with his friends. As I walked out the door and got in the Uber with [friend Carina Passalacqua] I just lost it. The tears came pouring out. It was the moment I knew... I knew I failed. I failed my marriage, myself, my children."
"My heart was broken into a million pieces and the walls completely caved in around me," the reality TV star continued.
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"Everything I kept bottled in poured out of my eyes in the back of this Uber. My best friend, who is a true best friend, didn't even ask. She just began crying as well."
Ashley said her friend could see how much she was hurting.
"She saw me hurt for so long and try and act like I was okay even though she knew I wasn't okay. She felt my pain and we both just cried. The whole ride to our hotel. I never felt a hurt like this in my life. Ever," Ashley went on in her post.
"I'm not blaming all this on him. That's not why I'm posting this."
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Ashley explained that she wants both men and women to know "it's okay to not be okay."
"It's okay to cry it out. It's okay to not be strong all the time. It's okay to fail. Whats not okay is to let it destroy you. You can, and you will, get back up and begin to pick up the pieces. To this day I still hurt. I still love him," Ashley wrote.
"I just have come to terms with the fact it's over and I'm gonna be okay. So all of you who are struggling please know these feelings are temporary and you will get back to yourself. Time truly does heal wounds."
Ashley insisted in her post, "There is no more Ashley and Jay," as she reached the conclusion of her message to fans.
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"I'm leaving this post with the final time I speak on us or our marriage. It's about to be a new year and I'm ready to start a new chapter and not look back," Ashley shared.
"Thank you for all your support through this hard time and a special thank you to @xdestiny_lynnx @ritzy_rina @dolceaestheticsny and @michellee_727 you guys are amazing and I can't imagine fighting this battle without you. #90dayfiance #tlc #happilyeverafter."
Ashley confirmed she's "a single woman" late last month when she revealed on Instagram she and Jay were "officially divorced."
Ashley admitted in late October she and Jay had briefly reconciled but split again.
Ashley took to her Instagram Stories at the time to throw Jay under the bus, and in the process, the reality TV star revealed she had taken Jay back as a romantic partner, only to be disappointed and betrayed by him once again.
"Stop making girls get abortions because you're a whore," Ashley wrote. "Saddened to reveal we got back together AGAIN and now have split AGAIN."
Ashley posted minutes later, "After officially getting back together again, I heard Jay got ANOTHER girl PREGNANT."
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Rumors swirled Ashley and Jay were back together in September when they were spotted at the same event in Pennsylvania.
At the time, Jay's now ex-girlfriend Kayla O'Brien -- who allegedly began dating Jay in January and was rumored to be pregnant with Jay's child in August -- told RadarOnline she and Jay had broken up and were no longer together.
Ashley's first divorce filing was in January after she had caught Jay flirting with other women on a dating app, but she had decided to take him back. She later filed for divorce again in April once she caught Jay cheating on her.
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Although Ashley had filed for divorce on April 23 after 11 months of marriage, Jay apparently refused to sign the papers and so their divorce was never finalized.
Jay admitted on the Tell-All special of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After?'s fourth season he had cheated on Ashley with two women, but rumors circulated for months prior about his alleged numerous affairs and flings.
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About The Author: Elizabeth Kwiatkowski